To not know how to parent my toddler?

[sunflowerdaysinmay]

I have one DS who is 18 months old. He's the first baby for both sides of the family in around 20 years, so obviously he is completely adored. I have very little experience with children and must confess that I have found motherhood difficult. I've suffered PND, worsened anxiety and OCD since having my son but I am currently on medication and feeling ok.

I think I am failing my son because I don't think that I am helping him to behave properly. He is full of energy and constantly wants to be active. He seems to be very destructive; constantly throwing things, he loses his temper almost immediately if something doesn't go his way and will often shout and scream with flailing arms and legs.

Meal times are chaos and before Covid I would dread the moment relatives would plan a meal out. He makes a mad dash for all cutlery so that he can throw it, he pulls the table cloth, screams, shouts and throws his toys, food or drink. Sitting still for longer than 10 minutes is unheard of even when he is interested in eating. This behaviour is the same at home and every mealtime requires a full clean up operation afterwards.

All behaviour is loud, boisterous, messy and destructive. He hates sharing with the children in nursery and just wants to play independently and uninterrupted. He does love adult attention though and will interact in a positive way, when it suits him.

With regards to discipline, I am trying to go for positive reinforcement so I am ignoring bad behaviour; if he is throwing toys in temper I will remove them and walk away from him with minimal attention. I have tried going to his level with a firm 'no' or 'do not do that DS' however I feel as though he doesn't understand me and it seems to infuriate him more. I have also tried distraction when he starts having a tantrum in the supermarket etc but truthfully it doesn't work. I have to remove him from the situation.

Covid has made things easier in that I avoid any unnecessary visit to shops etc but it's always in the back of my mind if I have to take us anywhere. I am happiest away from people and in situations where I can get away quickly.

He has plenty of toys, attention and love and when he is not losing his temper he is full of love and fun. I have a great DH who takes on more than his fair share of our childcare/housework and we spend a lot of time laughing and playing as a family. I just worry deep down that I am failing my son because I cannot seem to encourage better behaviour. He hates sleeping and it takes a lot of quiet time to get him to fall asleep, he will sleep through the night most evenings though and often wakes up smiling and raring to go.

Grandparents just say that he is a typical boy and it's normal behaviour but honestly I'm worried that I am not teaching him how to behave properly and the boys will be boys attitude is not something I want to encourage.

Is this behaviour normal for a toddler? Does everyone else feel like each day is a constant battle of temper, tantrums and tears?

AIBU because I feel like I have no control and no clue how to parent!?

My daughter turned 3 in September and still acts like this majority of the time. I'm not sure if lockdown has had an impact on that too though as she has alot of energy and being stuck at home doesn't help. I have no advice really as I'm in a similar situation and trying to do the whole gentle parenting style but not sure if it's even doing much difference but thought I would reply and say you are not alone! X

YABVVVU to be so hard on yourself!
None of us know what we're doing at first! You are being too critical of yourself.

He sounds perfectly fine. Toddlers are tiny people seemingly off their heads on something! 😁

All I would say is make sure your expectations are realistic for his age. If you can get your 18 month old to sit still for up to ten minutes not only are you not failing, you deserve some sort of trophy!

I think you will see things improve over the next few months. You definitely have the right approach.

However, you don't say what his expressive language is like, although you do say that you don't think he understands you. This might be why he's frustrated.

DS1 (8) has Asperger's (Autism level 1) and he was quite full on at this age, and didn't really interact a lot with his peers. He used to also get quite upset about things, more so than other toddlers (and DS2). He is a lot easier these days, in fact he's absolutely delightful most of the time.

Sounds just like both my boys, my eldest is 4 and has mellowed but still very active, my 2 year old is still as you described yours to be!

I try and air them daily and let them run wild in a playground!

Hi op you are not failing your child. He sounds great! Firstly I have three daughters and all had these behaviours as toddlers. It isn’t limited to boys so I’m with you on that. 18 months is a lovely but difficult age. At that age huge changes are happening to their brains and bodies and it’s a lot to deal with. They have everything to learn about social interaction so will make lots of mistakes. If you try to stay calm or at least appear so, and tell him boundaries firmly but in good humour, he will get it with time and when he’s ready. Try to replace tricky times with fun - doesn’t have to be over engineered - blowing raspberries and doing impressions etc. Laughing sorts out some situations. Also I gave up going to the supermarket when my first child was about that age and have hardly ever gone back because I always had toddlers and it’s much easier to shop online. Is that possible? Ditto I’m afraid for family meals with people who didn’t really understand young toddlers or at formal restaurants - just skipped them and made our apologies. It’s easier as they get older.

Sounds normal. The only way to have a nice meal out with a toddler I think is if you can go somewhere they can be carried around and shown things to keep them distracted. Or somewhere with a little play area or garden. However Covid has stopped all that. Don’t be hard on yourself, this is a tough time to parent to young kids and it sounds like you are doing the right things.

Oh bless you. I’d say yes completely normal but it’s only a stage (albeit quite a long one) once they can communicate really efficiently both of mine calmed right down. My second in particular was a nightmare, I’m sure I started posts on here, from about 14-24 months. She’s 2.5 now and excellent company. Still very strong willed but you can reason with her.

If it makes you feel any better my son was the same at that age but calmed down a good bit when he turned 3, when a lot of the super well behaved and chilled toddlers we knew all started to go flipping crazy and feral. So you're probably just getting it all out of the way early. Jo Frosts confident toddler care helped us, good for those with wilful young children.

My DS is 16 months and sounds exactly the same. I really recommend Big Little Feelings on Instagram - they normalise the craziness of toddlers but also have lots of strategies and changed the way I think about parenting. And if it makes you feel any better, I tried a firm 'no' yesterday to get DS to stop doing something and he found it hilarious and then kept making sure I was watching and trying to do it again so I would say no again. So that worked well...

Totally normal! Have to do bedtime with my toddler now but place marking so I can come back and say more later!

YANBU. My ds is 5yo now, but I still have no idea how to parent a toddler..

Ps he sounds totally normal for a toddler. They're savages.

When we go out for meals, one of us takes the kids (age two and three)
for a walk. If we're meeting my in laws I'll take them so my husband can spend some time with them and sometimes his mum comes with me to leave my husband and his dad to have a bit of time together. When the food arrives, we'll send a text and cut up the kid's food so it'll have cooled and be ready to eat.
The kids are usually too tired to mess around after their walk and are hungry and their food is ready and waiting when we get there.
Between courses we play games with them. A favourite is "who am I?" Where we give three clues and they have to guess what we are talking about.
E.g "I am a dinosaur. I am a herbivore. I have played on my back"
I also take a backpack with a few quiet toys for distraction.
On the odd occasion we've had a tantrum, one of us will take them out of the situation so everyone else can continue to enjoy their meal. We might have to repeat this.
They're so good now though. It's just a learning process for them (and us!) xx

Sounds a lot like my son at 18 months, who was late-ish to talk. Things got much better when he started to get a lot of words from 22-23 months and then again when he started talking in proper sentences at around 2y3m. He's just turned 3 and still has some destructive tendencies, mostly when his younger sister is around and he isn't getting your sole attention. A lot of the time (maybe 75%) he is lovely, chatty, genuinely good company. He'll sit for a mealtime for 15-20 mins on a good day, sit and do an activity for 15-30 mins depending on his current mood. We could go out for a nice brunch to a cafe if he was in a good mood and there was something he wanted to eat, but not that regularly. He can still be very destructive at times and can change very, very quickly from calm and enjoying an activity to throwing everything around or breaking things, but I think that is normal and he is so much better and more pleasant than he was at your son's age. He has always had a lot of energy to burn off and lockdown has made that particularly hard. It is a tough ride but keep doing what you are doing. I have read that their impulse control gets a lot better from around 3.5 so I think that will help too. I recommend Janet Lansbury's podcast, we found it very helpful.

Oh you are not alone op.

My 3 year old tests my patience on a minute by minute basis. Throw in the 1 year old and all hell breaks out.

One thing I will say is they do understand no... my 1 year old does and throws herself on the floor and cries. I do a very firm no and move her away... usually after she has bitten me while feeding.

Remember their brains have barely been functioning, they havent got the years of experience we have and are learning everything brand new and sometimes it's really scary and the only way to react is to be "badly behaved".

Removing from situation, explaining in simple language how to behave better and positive reinforcement is the way to go.

I notice the difference with my 3 year old when I am having a short temper day so react badly to her behaviour and when I am having a chilled day and count to 10 when she has thrown something at me or pushed her sister over...again...

I have also realised why my mum never took us out places like restaurants (apart from cost) and how the hell did she hide all those christmas presents and get them wrapped without me realising????

Echoing what others have said, it all sounds very normal for that stage. Keep mealtimes as fuss free as possible - ditch the tablecloth and don’t bother giving him cutlery if he just throws it. Sounds like lots of outdoors time to run around would be helpful to burn off energy.

I don’t think it’s popular anymore but I had great success with the supernanny style of using a warning and then a time out if the behaviour continued that I wanted them to stop. I have 4 DC and found that if I put the hard work in when they were toddlers and properly enforced the boundaries with the same method each time that before they were about 5 I only had to issue the warning 9 times out of 10 to get them to stop and rarely needed to add the time out. I like the method because they have a chance to avoid a time out so it’s not instant punishment, you don’t need to raise your voice or shout and you explain exactly why they are there and what they did before leaving the whole episode completely behind you and moving on with a positive rest of the day. It may seem young to some but I felt happy that my DC understood what was going on enough to use the method from just before they were 2. I’m sure you can find plenty of YouTube supernanny for examples of how to use it.

@Lostinacloud

I don’t think it’s popular anymore but I had great success with the supernanny style of using a warning and then a time out if the behaviour continued that I wanted them to stop. I have 4 DC and found that if I put the hard work in when they were toddlers and properly enforced the boundaries with the same method each time that before they were about 5 I only had to issue the warning 9 times out of 10 to get them to stop and rarely needed to add the time out. I like the method because they have a chance to avoid a time out so it’s not instant punishment, you don’t need to raise your voice or shout and you explain exactly why they are there and what they did before leaving the whole episode completely behind you and moving on with a positive rest of the day. It may seem young to some but I felt happy that my DC understood what was going on enough to use the method from just before they were 2. I’m sure you can find plenty of YouTube supernanny for examples of how to use it.

Same here!

Nah, toddlers are dicks! Mine just turned 4 and had suddenly (in the last 5/6 months) become a bit more helpful and pliable...I think it's just a phase we all go through.

I actually think these years and the teenage ones are designed to help us to detach, as parents. If they were perfect all the time we would never let them move out

Oh and we have "banned" shouting in our house which has worked wonders for both of us

Don't worry! All sounds normal. I didn't realise how crazy kids are until I have them too.

I have found gentle parenting helpful and there's a good Gentle Parentinf Facebook page where other parents share stuff like this. It's a nice group.

You're not failing your toddler. Children of his age have boundless energy and the attention span of gnats... not a good combination.

The only way I ever managed to have a peaceful meal out with DS until very recently was to stick Peppa Pig on my phone on mute, at least for the time it took me to bolt down my meal quickly so I could walk about with him. The idea of actually savouring food was unthinkable . After much practice, he is just now at almost 3 getting to the stage where he'll sit nicely on a proper chair, tell us what he'd like and either talk to us or do some colouring in while we eat. And that's for 30 minutes max and then he starts playing up. So I do think you have to adjust your expectations somewhat.

18 months is just the worst age imo. They are so active and on the move but don't have much understanding or comprehension. You sound like you're doing just fine though. Get him outdoors and moving as much as possible, burn off the energy.

I'm absolutely blown away by these replies! I braced myself expecting to be told that I'm a terrible parent who's doing an awful job. I'm so relieved to see I'm not the only person who has felt this way!

There's amazing advice here too! So glad IANBU, toddlers are complete savages aren't they? I'm in awe of people who manage more than one!😂

Sounds fairly normal to me. My DD is turning 3 in a couple of days and I've almost but given up with any kind of reasoning, time out or removing toys. Raising a strong willed toddler is tough! At this point, I'm just crossing my fingers that she becomes human in the next year