To not know how to parent my toddler?

[sunflowerdaysinmay]

I have one DS who is 18 months old. He's the first baby for both sides of the family in around 20 years, so obviously he is completely adored. I have very little experience with children and must confess that I have found motherhood difficult. I've suffered PND, worsened anxiety and OCD since having my son but I am currently on medication and feeling ok.

I think I am failing my son because I don't think that I am helping him to behave properly. He is full of energy and constantly wants to be active. He seems to be very destructive; constantly throwing things, he loses his temper almost immediately if something doesn't go his way and will often shout and scream with flailing arms and legs.

Meal times are chaos and before Covid I would dread the moment relatives would plan a meal out. He makes a mad dash for all cutlery so that he can throw it, he pulls the table cloth, screams, shouts and throws his toys, food or drink. Sitting still for longer than 10 minutes is unheard of even when he is interested in eating. This behaviour is the same at home and every mealtime requires a full clean up operation afterwards.

All behaviour is loud, boisterous, messy and destructive. He hates sharing with the children in nursery and just wants to play independently and uninterrupted. He does love adult attention though and will interact in a positive way, when it suits him.

With regards to discipline, I am trying to go for positive reinforcement so I am ignoring bad behaviour; if he is throwing toys in temper I will remove them and walk away from him with minimal attention. I have tried going to his level with a firm 'no' or 'do not do that DS' however I feel as though he doesn't understand me and it seems to infuriate him more. I have also tried distraction when he starts having a tantrum in the supermarket etc but truthfully it doesn't work. I have to remove him from the situation.

Covid has made things easier in that I avoid any unnecessary visit to shops etc but it's always in the back of my mind if I have to take us anywhere. I am happiest away from people and in situations where I can get away quickly.

He has plenty of toys, attention and love and when he is not losing his temper he is full of love and fun. I have a great DH who takes on more than his fair share of our childcare/housework and we spend a lot of time laughing and playing as a family. I just worry deep down that I am failing my son because I cannot seem to encourage better behaviour. He hates sleeping and it takes a lot of quiet time to get him to fall asleep, he will sleep through the night most evenings though and often wakes up smiling and raring to go.

Grandparents just say that he is a typical boy and it's normal behaviour but honestly I'm worried that I am not teaching him how to behave properly and the boys will be boys attitude is not something I want to encourage.

Is this behaviour normal for a toddler? Does everyone else feel like each day is a constant battle of temper, tantrums and tears?

AIBU because I feel like I have no control and no clue how to parent!?

This isn’t a ‘boys being boys’ things, more a ‘toddlers are fucking feral’ thing.

You are being way too hard on yourself, fuck me, anyone with a toddler deserves the biggest break and a vat of their chosen booze at all times.

This too shall pass, on repeat.

I have two boys who have been through this phase... it is normal and it passes! It's like having labradors sometimes, feed them and take them out twice a day to run off steam, bath and bed 🤣

I like using the "thinking step" which is basically just time out, they get one warning then sent off to reflect on their actions then come back when they are ready to apologise. There was a really funny sketch in a stand up show about this once "you have been very very naughty, now kindly go relax on the stairs" 🤣 but it does work!

Also counting to five worked well for me... I don't know why though, I never actually stipulate what will happen if I get to five...

At 18 months I used distraction, also avoided asking them to anything vaguely challenging before nap or meal time and went out with pocketfuls of bribes. Wording has a huge effect too, for some reason "eat
this babybel while I strap you into your buggy" and "I am going to strap you into your buggy, have this babybel" have vastly different outcomes🤣

I completely agree with PP who said consistency is key and it takes a long time. They need to know boundaries to feel secure. And also never threaten to do something that you are not prepared to follow through with.

Totally normal toddler! Mine are now 5 and we somehow survived. My top tips:
Never start a fight with a toddler. You will lose.
Pick your battles (see above). Think forward before issuing threats. Can you actually not go out if they don’t out on their shoes? Will you actually throw all of their toys out if they don’t pick them up off the floor?
Always follow through with consequences.
Lower your expectations of what is achievable (lunch out at 18 months is amazing!).
Anticipate what can go wrong and mitigate the disaster (move all cutlery/glasses out of arms reach, stair gates, Sharpies out of reach etc).
You tend to find out they’ve just learnt a new skill by finding them doing something daft like climbing on the kitchen table etc.
Teach them what they’re feeling...happy, sad, frustrated, angry. Don’t just focus on the positive emotions, name the negative ones to and don’t shy away from showing yours. Meltdowns etc (esp at such a young age) are usually caused by being overwhelmed by what they’re feeling rather than because they’re Machiavellian manipulators. Start teaching them an emotional vocabulary when they’re young and you’ll find they don’t really have meltdowns/tantrums as they get older (have a look at “sportscasting”).
If you’re not used to children, do some reading into brain development and you’ll find out what they’re actually capable of as opposed to what adults can attribute to them being able to do (eg babies don’t have the cognitive ability to manipulate their adult).
Sharing is b*llocks. Adults don’t like sharing and it’s not what parents are actually trying to achieve. “Sharing” is trying to encourage children to show empathy for others. That comes from them being treated with respect and kindness. To most children, being made to share is unfairly being deprived of what they want. Let them finish their turn, then the other child gets theirs. First child’s wishes are respected, second child is content with a definite timeline, nobody cries.
Some days everything just goes wrong. They won’t eat, they won’t sleep, they’re grumpy and you rile each other up. Draw a line under it, give DC a cuddle and move on.
Start early with chores. If they can walk they can help with washing. Get them a tiny broom so they can help tidy up their mess. If they spill a drink, give them a cloth to tidy up (their cleaning skills are pretty ropey for the first few years, but it’s the principle that counts!). Instil in them that the house is something to be treated with respect and everyone helps to keep it looking nice.
And NEVER start a fight with a toddler!!! They are the most unreasonable, determined, dictatorial, solipsistic creatures to walk the planet!