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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very annoyed with parents-in-law! (Dog owners' opinions welcome)

35 replies

StrawberryMartini · 22/10/2007 20:42

Parents-in-law live one hour away.

We have lived in our house for 3 years.

They have been here twice. Once for the first Christmas we were there (Boxing Day), and once when DS was born (he is now 18 months).

Their excuse for not coming over: THE BLOODY DOG.

They have a boxer. Apparently she is far more important than seeing their own grandson and they cannot possibly leave her for a few hours.

We always have to go over there and I've had enough. I've invited them for Christmas but yet again, they won't because of the damn dog.

Apologies to dog owners, but there's no way that dog is setting foot in this house. She's boisterous and smells and dribbles. I have never let her anywhere near ds for fear of her harming him. She has bruised my leg from jumping up at me. And yes, I do have a slight fear of dogs. But that's not the point.

So AIBU to think that they should make the effort? Yes, they are both in their 70s, but very active and both able to drive. My mum comes over every 2 or 3 weeks and she lives 1hr 20 min away.

Oh and they are often going away on holidays and will happily leave the dog in kennels. I just don't get it.

DH is a wimp by the way and won't say what he thinks to them, so if I don't say something we'll probably end up going over to theirs again.

OP posts:

stripeymama · 22/10/2007 20:46

Can they not leave it in the car? They could go and see it every half hour or so.

Sounds a bit wierd to me but people do get like that about animals.

hippipotOFBLOODami · 22/10/2007 20:47

No, YANBU! I have a dog, but we trained it from an early age to be left home alone for anything up to 5 hours. If we are away longer than that he has a visit to kennels.
A dog is great, but it should never ever rule your life.

Are they using the dog as an excuse, is there another reason they'd rather you visted them?

covenhope · 22/10/2007 20:51

Perhaps they can't leave her? Does she bark when left/ destroy the house?

We haven't all been to my mum's to stay since we've had our dog because we can't leave her and have to leave someone behind, so I sort of see where they are coming from. Christmas is a difficult time to find decent kennels too.

(They probably think you're being unreasonable not to have the dog...)

Original poster

StrawberryMartini · 22/10/2007 20:56

I know she scratches the doors and hates being alone. Poor little mite .

OP posts:

Spiderhammer · 22/10/2007 20:56

The problem is this ... they no longer have children in the house. They have a dog. This slobbery, smelly thing is their child.
They'll probably be hurt that you won't have their baby round just as you are hurt that they won't come round to see your baby.

That's the way it is with dog owners. Love me, love my dog. I think you need to accomodate the dog but just make clear boundaries about where he is allowed to go.

They are in their 70s. They are stuck in their ways and have carved a settled life for themselves and their much loved dog.

Spiderhammer · 22/10/2007 20:57

Can they leave her with a friend? It's true dogs hate to be alone and as for the person who said leave him in the car .... It's honestly like being asked to leave your baby in the car.

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 22/10/2007 20:57

yanbu
I went through a similar thing with my dad.
I love dogs but didn't trust his. and dd was terrified of all animals so it was a case of no dog. I wouldn't go to his house if it was there and wouldn't let it in my house.
lucky for me he had a friend who loved the dog so would have the dog for the day.

Elasticbandstand · 22/10/2007 20:58

sounds a bit narrow minded of them, espeiclaly as they only live 1 hour away, not too unreasonable to christmas as they might be out of the hosue for several hours,
can't they come for a couple of hours at all?

CarGirl · 22/10/2007 21:01

Just a thought but their dog may be much better behaved at your house as it is not his territory IYSWIM.

I guess have your parents over for Christmas and just not see them?

Original poster

StrawberryMartini · 22/10/2007 21:03

No this dog is a nightmare. Gets excited at the slightest thing.

I've been with my parents for Christmas for the last three years. Maybe PIL will get the message if we invite my parents again!

OP posts:

TheEvilDediderata · 22/10/2007 21:07

If you've told them that the dog isn't welcome, they won't come. Whether you like it or not, it's really that simple.

If they're happy to put the dog in kennels when they go on holiday, it's seems fairly obvious that the problem they have is with you.

The reason DH won't say what he thinks to them is because they're his parents. Perhaps he has some respect for them?

EmsMum · 22/10/2007 21:09

Spiderhammer, a lot of dogs are very happy in their car (OBVIOUSLY not in hot weather).
Ours would rather come along for the ride and be left in the car - essentially a mobile sofa with varying odours along the way - rather than be left at home. For such dogs, its not remotely like leaving a baby in a car.

But probably this indulged boxer isn't like that.

If they regularly kennel the dog for holidays then seems reasonable that they could do that for a special occasion to visit family.

Drusilla · 22/10/2007 21:14

Please do not ask them to leave it in the car - that is just cruel. IME most doggy people have doggy friends who would look after their dog for them for a few hours but it would probably be a cheek to ask someone to do that for you on Christmas Day. As a dog owner it sounds to me like they may be using the dog as an excuse not to visit you. Could that be the case? So they can drive, but to someone in their 70s an hours drive could be a whole different prospect than nipping to the local shops.

WinkyWinkola · 22/10/2007 21:21

Can the dog stay in your garden or shed?

YANBU. You have my sympathies. I don't want dogs in my house either and the only dog that might come is a soppy shih tzu. But I have other relatives that come to visit that start sneezing at the sight of a dog/cat.

Quattrocento · 22/10/2007 21:31

Strawberry, people often make excuses to avoid things that they just don't want to do. My mother's excuse for not doing anything that she doesn't want to do is her dog. I recognise the symptom.

What do I suggest? Well why don't you be direct? Why don't you tell them that the dog sounds like a pretext and you feel hurt that they won't come. Tell them you'll cook something they'll like specially.

Not dog, obviously. Was on the menu where I was a couple of weeks ago. Nearly tried it, just out of curiosity.

Original poster

StrawberryMartini · 23/10/2007 07:36

Thanks all. I don't have the guts to be honest with them. FIL has a tendency to cut family out of his life if they disagree with him. I'll wait this one out and see what happens.

OP posts:

ThreadyKrueger · 23/10/2007 07:58

I don't thnk it is at all unreasonable to say you don't want the dog in your house. I've got a dog and I wouldn't dream of bringing him into a house unless I knew unshakeably that the house owner was daft enough to want him there. And I'm afraid that even though we have a dog I wouldn't want someone else's dog in our house - he wouldn't know the rules, you wouldn't know his dodgy foibles, etc.

I do know how daft some older people can get about their dogs, though. My dad is the same. Treats his two dogs as if they were children (and is convinced they are G&T).

peskipixie · 23/10/2007 08:10

they are not your parents, if dh wants to be angry with them he has every right to be but i think you should chill out. not all families are the same! my life has been much easier since i realised this and stopped feeling i had to be responsible for seeing mil. your ds isnt missing out if he never saw much of them in the first place. stop inviting them if it stresses you out

i dont get the dog thing either but you never know i might when i dont have a house full of children!

Beelliesebub · 23/10/2007 08:11

I have 2 dogs, a doberman (that's my baby!) and a boxer (that's dh's) and I really do know how you feel. They are boisterous and my boxer definitely dribbles she even has her own towel. My dh won't leave the dogs if he can possibly help it and I have learnt that its just a way for him to get his own way and do what he wants to do. For example "shall we go to shopping in town and then grab a spot of lunch" "OOH I don't think we should leave the dogs for so long, you go and I'll stay here" even though when he's at work I've sometimes left them for 5 or 6 hours. He come unstuck this year because I booked a holiday and took the dogs with us! That'll learn him!
I will admit that before we got the doberman if you left the boxer for any longer than 10 minutes on her own she'd trash the house...and I really mean 10 minutes. One of the breed traits is being a bit highly strung about being left by themselves, which we found to be true when we got the other dog cos she's not bothered at all now about being left cos she's got company.
YANBU. At the end of the day if you book a kennel early you have no probs. getting a dog in and they've proved that they leave her in one when they go away, which is more than my dh would. I think its more a case of them being older in years and being set in their ways and basically using the dog as an excuse....

Freckle · 23/10/2007 08:29

I have never taken my dog (now dogs) to anyone's house without their express permission.

If your inlaws are happy to kennel the dog for holidays, then they are sending a clear message that they are not prepared to do that in order to visit you. I think you have to lump it unless your dh is prepared to speak to them about it. Tbh, are you really that bothered? It doesn't sound as though you are particularly fond of your ILs, so what's the problem? You get to spend Christmas with your parents rather than your ILs. If I were you, I'd count my blessings.

heifer · 23/10/2007 08:45

I don't understand why they can't come and visit you for an hour, they would only be leaving the dog for 3 hours, surely they must do this at other times or do they never go out

It sounds to me that they are just not interested in seeing you all, so I think you shuld enjoy your mother etc and forget about them.. If your DH wans to go and visit them then you should go but if he isn't bothered either then just leave it until his parents are ready to make some effort...

lucyellensmum · 23/10/2007 08:56

As a dog lover/owner i do understand not wanting to leave a dog who is not used to being left. However, i would not want this to interfere with my plans. I get very frustrated that our inlaws never come to us as they always have the rest of the inlaws to them both days, so we have to drag dd who is not a good traveller up to them on boxing day.

There are people who are willing to take dogs into their homes to care for them, we used to do this with our old rottie who couldnt be left in kennels when we went on holiday. Could you offer to pay for them to leave the dog with a sitter? The dog would love it, and it would mean that your xmas wouldnt be disturbed. We used to pay £12 a night for our dog (a mad boisterous rotweieller) so i can't imagine it would bre\ak the bank. That way MIL could enjoy a nice xmas where she doesnt have to be hostess.

Of course, there is every possibility that the dog is an excuse, some people are very set in their ways and wont change their xmas routine.

You could have the dog over to you and insist that she stays in the garden. But i do understand your concerns about having a big nutty dog around your son, due to the risk of him getting knocked over. Do try not to bring your lad up to be scared of dogs though, sensible contact with animals from a young age is a delight for most children.

peskipixie · 23/10/2007 09:03

maybe they will start to make the effort if you dont. you dont have to go there, wait and see how long it takes them to come to you

Freckle · 23/10/2007 09:08

My MIL, although professing to love the boys dearly, has rarely made much effort to see them, preferring to give most of her attention to her granddaughter (SIL's dd). I have always gone out of my way to call her to let her know what is happening with the boys, visited her (she only lives a couple of miles away) and invited her to spend time with us.

I finally got fed up with being the one to make all the running (dh wasn't bothered enough to make any effort) and stopped. Just imagine my surprise when she telephoned because "I haven't heard from you for a long time". I think she forgets that telephones work in both directions and indeed do roads. Anyway, my point is that, if you back off and stop trying to maintain contact, if they are bothered enough, they will contact you.

muppetgirl · 23/10/2007 09:09

I totally understand where you are coming from being an ex 'scared of dogs' girlie myself.

I now have 2 dogs, a black lab (dh's) and a jack Russell (mine) The Jack Russell is nutty and cannot be left on his own in our house so we have a cage for him. It's his bed and he sleeps in there during the day even when I'm at home, with the door open. If I'm out he's shut in and he's shut in at night. This has cut down on the bad behaviour and things have calmed down. COuld this be a suggestion for your Il's?

Also if anyone knocks at the front door the dogs go into the kitchen as then no one is knocked over. When friends of my ds come over the dogs are put into the garden as I empathise that other people/children don't feel the way about our dogs, or sometimes any dogs! and I don't want to force them on anyone. I certainly hate the 'oh, he's alright really....he's just being friendly' when you've just been kocked over by their boistrous dribbling thing.

When we visit our IL's we take the cage for the JR (he's in it in the car too) and the same rules apply. It's his safety net and he knows it.

Buy them a cage for their dog for christmas...

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