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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sleeps in most mornings

38 replies

festivebeer2020 · 15/12/2020 07:48

My husband doesn't set an alarm in the morning now he's working from home. I do still set mine for around 6:30 when I will come down stairs have a coffee and get on with kids lunches and breakfast ect.
We have 3 dc but one is still quiet young so sometimes she wakes in the middle of the night and one of us will be up with her so on those times we generally give each other a few extra minutes in the morning but he was in bed asleep before me last night and he's only getting up now.
Our children need to be dropped to childcare in 15 minutes (his job as I collect). I shouldn't have to keep waking him every morning to remind him but now I'm after starting the morning on an argument for saying something. 😩

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/12/2020 07:55

When the kids are at school and it's just the two of you have a talk... ask him why he is not communicating with you and just letting things slide! Ask him if he actually likes being woken by an irritated woman who has better things to do than mother her husband.

He's being childish. All irritation on your part could have been avoided had he simply started a conversation with you!

premmie09 · 15/12/2020 08:01

I had the same situation and I got extremely resentful. So I sat down with him and said I don't like having to wake him up every day, I feel like his valet. We worked out a general compromise where he has taken on other tasks to even out the fact that I get up first most mornings and he usually gets up with his own alarm now.

Indoctro · 15/12/2020 08:08

Why don't you do the drop off as up anyway doing lunches etc and make him pick the children up, saves any stress

thelooneywitch · 15/12/2020 08:09

My husband does this. I stopped waking him up and he is always late for work now. Quite frankly, I don't care Hmm

updownroundandround · 15/12/2020 08:11

I'd tell him that you're beginning to resent him for abusing your kindness. It's got to be 50/50, and he's taking the piss.

Also tell him that you are beginning to feel more like his Mum than his wife..................and if it continues, you're likely to go right off of sex, because he doesn't have sex appeal as 'another child'......................

backinthebox · 15/12/2020 08:11

Do couples actually get up at the same time? My husband is at work right now, I can hear him on a conference call. I’m still in bed and he brought me a cup of tea. I will be up in time to get DS to school though and to feed animals (normally DD’s job but she is still in bed too as school has finished for her.) As long as all the jobs are done at some point, does it matter if they aren’t done on your timetable? Obviously if you are doing everything while he slumps around then that’s not on. Is he doing stuff at the other end of the day?

Junkmail · 15/12/2020 08:13

We’re the same but I do the morning chores and he does the evening chores so it works out. Could you come to this sort of compromise? Or is it that you would like to stay in bed in the morning? I think you just need to discuss it. He maybe doesn’t realise how you feel.

Ducksarenotmyfriends · 15/12/2020 08:13

Why aren't you taking turns with getting up early to sort the kids breakfasts/lunches? When do you get your lie in? I work from home and we alternate who sorts the kids out in the mornings even though dp gets up early to go to work anyway.

FollowThatStarTonight · 15/12/2020 08:13

I have a similar issue. Great husband in almost every way but so lazy in the morning (unless it is work related, then he can somehow get out of bed Hmm)

It is hard and I do feel resentful about it. I've raised it a few times and we always muddle through to some sort of compromise, but I take on the burden of the mornings.

At the moment I'm just living with it. I work part time and hope that when the children go to school I'll stay part time and get some time back to myself then.

BingoGo · 15/12/2020 08:15

What a manbaby. Sorry OP.

wildraisins · 15/12/2020 08:16

Just talk to him.

Covid has been such a weird time. He's probably just slipping into a habit because he's working from home. Tell him how it's affecting you.

Derelictwreck · 15/12/2020 08:29

Why are you setting an alarm for 6:30 if you're not on drop of? Surely you just sleep until a kid wakes you?

If the answer is because of how much needs doing in the morning, then surely that's the conversation you need to be having with him?

Catsandkittens638297 · 15/12/2020 08:31

My DH works a week on, a week off. We have 2 young DC one of which doesn't sleep at all so I'm up between 11.30-3.30am.
The week DH has off hel sleep till 10am and not get out of bed till 11/11.30.
Honestly I've just learnt to accept it

Oreservoir · 15/12/2020 08:38

I would just leave the dc with him every time so he takes them late to childcare.
He'll soon get the message.
Atm he's banking on you picking up the slack.
He wouldn't leave work tasks for his colleagues would he?

ZenNudist · 15/12/2020 08:48

Do you work?

Suggest doing lunches the previous evening. How old are your dc? Mine put their sandwich or fridge stuff in the bag and add a smack from the cupboard/ fruit bowl.

Breakfast you can leave cereal bowls out for older dc. I appreciate your young dc will need feeding but you dont need to get up at 6.30. Max you need an hour before you need to leave.

Also bags prepped the night before. Saves time looking for stuff...

If you are always up he will rely on you to do this. Dh gets up and I stay in bed. Then we swap the next day.

Doodlepip23 · 15/12/2020 09:00

YANBU. I had words a few weeks ago when my DH sat idly by, drinking coffee and reading a magazine before work whilst I was doing everything that is required of a morning to get myself and DD out the door and on our way to work/pre school.

Aprilx · 15/12/2020 09:04

I have to get my DH up for work nearly every day. It irritates me rather than hugely annoys me. He is working from home at the moment so it is not like he needs to get up particularly early. At the weekend I think he would stay in bed until gone lunch time if I didn’t make him get up.

SpaceOp · 15/12/2020 09:04

We had a similar situation. And I got more and more resentful. I would make comments or cause arguments and things didn't change until eventually I sat him down and said I was absolutely 100% sick and tired of being mum to three people instead of just 2. That even on the mornings where he did get up to help, it was still ME being responsible for setting the alarm, making sure we were all awake etc etc and it was not fair. It took a little while for it to sink in but DH has totally got it now. If neither of us is getting up extra early for work, we take turns to get up, feed pets, make drinks etc now then are both up and moving to get the kids ready for school.

During school holidays, I still get up because I have work every day, and it does get a bit tedious, but I don't blame him for that. There's no need for him to get up when the kids are still sleeping or just lolling around.

snookercue · 15/12/2020 09:04

Also tell him that you are beginning to feel more like his Mum than his wife..................and if it continues, you're likely to go right off of sex, because he doesn't have sex appeal as 'another child'......................

Oh for fucks sake do not use sex as a bargaining tool. Women are worth so much more then this bollocks.

Flvq · 15/12/2020 09:07

If the kids are still asleep why are you up so early? Do the lunches the night before and sleep in yourself.

snowpony · 15/12/2020 09:11

Can you change things around so evening pick ups are his responsibility? I am not good in the morning so my DH gets up, does breakfast and the morning drop offs (although I do help get them dressed and am up for around 8 to start work), he works late in the evening so I do evening pick ups, dinner, bath and bedtime.

Icenii · 15/12/2020 09:13

Do you have to get up at that time? Really?

Nonetheless DH gets up at 0640. He doesn't have to but for some reason feels he has to to fit things in. He brings me a cuppa at 7, but my alarm will have gone off. He does breakfast, I do clothes, pack lunches, showers and spellings. I'm not downstairs till 0730.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 15/12/2020 09:13

@snookercue

Also tell him that you are beginning to feel more like his Mum than his wife..................and if it continues, you're likely to go right off of sex, because he doesn't have sex appeal as 'another child'......................

Oh for fucks sake do not use sex as a bargaining tool. Women are worth so much more then this bollocks.

I read that as accurate rather than a suggestion that it was a bargaining tool.

I completely agree with OP that autonomous adults should not need micromanaging by other adults to prompt them to complete their responsibilities.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/12/2020 09:13

Mmmm! Most of the suggestions for better ways of doing the morning run seem to involve the OP organising everything... a woman's work and all that!

diddl · 15/12/2020 09:14

"Our children need to be dropped to childcare in 15 minutes"

Do you mean that he needsto leave with them in 15mins?

Surely that's enough time?

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