Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL constantly asking “What are you thinking?”

45 replies

Twiddlet · 15/12/2020 00:21

Just this, really. I’ve known her 15 years and from day one she has constantly asked me to tell her what’s in my head whenever she catches me looking like I’m having a moment of thought to myself, eg if I’m just looking out of my own window at my garden or listening to someone in a conversation. Sometimes I wonder how long she’s been watching me and sometimes it makes me jump. It’s more annoying when we are in a group situation and I’m doing nothing more than simply listening someone speak and then she
puts me on the spot and gets everyone to turn to look at me by asking “What are you thinking?”
AIBU to be irritated by having to explain my thoughts out loud on demand or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Unicant · 15/12/2020 00:28

Its invasive and rude. I'd just tell her that if you wanted to talk about what you were thinking then you would. Or ask her what she's thinking.
I dont think you are being unreasonable that would drive me mad. My nan used to stare at me when we were watching TV... not at the TV but at me watching the TV... she also used to stare at me in the review mirror and wing mirrors of the car... this reminds me of that... some people just can't let anyone have any emotional space

Calmandmeasured1 · 15/12/2020 00:32

I don't think I'd mind if she said 'penny for your thoughts' sometimes when I looked out of the window. However, I don't understand why she would ask you what you are thinking when you are listening to someone speak. I am left wondering whether, when listening to someone, you don't look at them and whether it looks to your MIL as if you aren't listening. If you are sure you do involve yourself properly in the conversation then it is strange that she would do this.

BlueThistles · 15/12/2020 00:40

She sounds batshit intrusive and controlling... your thoughts are your own OP 🌺

Why have you tolerated this crap for 15 bloody years.. next time she asks ... tell her.. I'm wondering what your thinking? 😏

She's so rude.. 🌺

YoniAndGuy · 15/12/2020 01:02

‘I was thinking how long it would be before you asked me what I was thinking’

😁

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/12/2020 01:06

Perhaps you have a habit of drifting off when people are talking, and it looks like you're not interested or listening?

I would probably say "just wondering what the best way to get rid of your body would be" 🤣, not really, but might make her stop asking.

Yeahnahmum · 15/12/2020 01:11

Youve enabled her for fifteen years... jeez op.. grow a backbone and tell mil to back off.

AdoraBell · 15/12/2020 01:12

Turn it around, ask what she is thinking. Or, reply “wondering how long before you ask -what are you thinking?

You could ask -do you ask everyone what they are thinking?

CounsellorTroi · 15/12/2020 01:21

This would drive me nuts. I do occasionally zone out in conversation, it’s an ADHD thing. But you’re entitled to privacy in your own head!

QuietlyExcited · 15/12/2020 01:24

How strange. I'd just reply 'nothing particular, why?'

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2020 01:34

Youve enabled her for fifteen years... jeez op.. grow a backbone and tell mil to back off.

Sorry, op, I agree 100% with this. Why on earth have you not stopped this insanity? Whatever you are thinking is none of her fucking business and you need to tell her so. She sounds unhinged.

DdraigGoch · 15/12/2020 01:42

Anyone else suddenly reminded of Mark Gungor's "Nothing Box"?

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2020 01:43

‘I was thinking how long it would be before you asked me what I was thinking’

love that answer!

I'd simply say a very neutral phrase and then finish with a comment about her rudeness.

'I'm think about what Jenny is talking about, why are you asking me?'

"I'm thinking the grass needs cutting, are you offering to do it for me?"

She does sound unhinged but you have not enabled her by answering her. Maybe you have said what was on your mind, maybe not. Either way, you can stop it now by simply not telling her, if that is what you wish.

"Just thinking, that's all." or as said before 'nothing particular, why?'

Just take back control of your head space. I think she has some issues. I don't think you will stop her asking. But you can control what (if anything) you choose to say.

It's really not always easy to stop people saying stuff. My friends talks endlessly about one aspect of life. I hated it but dearly love her. So I ignore it. You cannot always change how others act, only how you respond to it.

NuniaBeeswax · 15/12/2020 01:50

"She sounds batshit intrusive and controlling... your thoughts are your own"

Or maybe she's just trying to make conversation.

FortunesFave · 15/12/2020 01:51

Start saying ridiculous things.

"What are you thinking?"

"About clowns"

What are you thinking?

Wondering why knees are.

What are you thinking?

Puffins aren't my friends.

What are you thinking?

That you're becoming invisible!

I'd delight in it personally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2020 01:56

I'd delight in it personally.

Me also.

How to get away with the perfect murder.

That every c in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

You could have HOURS of fun.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 02:02

Me too on the fun side. I’d mix it up- emotional : big topics:about those poor refugees in winter. I don’t know how parents pull through those things.
More immediate topics: my babies are growing up before my eyes.

Random: how come it feels everyone else can grow hydrangeas but not me
I really must learn a second language, Hindi or Arabic.
Are there people out there who really don’t like tomatoes?
Do chickens dream? Apparently they are quite smart, have object permanence.

Super minor: do you think our lives would be different if I’d chosen that other paint colour? Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder what the time cost of deciding what to cook for dinner is? Feels like years of my life.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2020 02:27

It sounds like her go to conversation starter. You say you feel like you "have to explain [your] thoughts" - why is that? Does she badger you or can you just say "Oh, nothing." if you aren't interested in conversing?

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/12/2020 02:35

My mil used to always dive on any mistake l made in pronunciation or getting a name wrong or saying this morning instead of afternoon or whatever. She wouldn't let me carry on talking until she'd had her little skit. But then l'd usually lost my thread and didn't want carry on speaking to the ignorant cow anyway. She would do it in company too and in the most incredulous voice just keep repeating the mistake until l stopped and corrected myself. For example l'd say
' it was nice to see Mary yesterday morning ' (when we'd seen her at 12.30pm maybe) She'd just constantly interject with 'Morning?.... Morning?' Horrible bloody woman.

justilou1 · 15/12/2020 02:36

“I was timing how long you’d let me be alone with my thoughts - Ooh look at that! Nearly two minutes before you asked this time!”

80sColourfulChristmas · 15/12/2020 02:47

@Bahhhhhumbug

My mil used to always dive on any mistake l made in pronunciation or getting a name wrong or saying this morning instead of afternoon or whatever. She wouldn't let me carry on talking until she'd had her little skit. But then l'd usually lost my thread and didn't want carry on speaking to the ignorant cow anyway. She would do it in company too and in the most incredulous voice just keep repeating the mistake until l stopped and corrected myself. For example l'd say ' it was nice to see Mary yesterday morning ' (when we'd seen her at 12.30pm maybe) She'd just constantly interject with 'Morning?.... Morning?' Horrible bloody woman.
My autistic DD is a lot like this! But then she's only 5!
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/12/2020 02:54

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd delight in it personally.

Me also.

How to get away with the perfect murder.

That every c in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

You could have HOURS of fun.

“How many flag stones I need to extend the patio”
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2020 03:05

OP could make a list of them on her arm.

Bahhhhhumbug · 15/12/2020 03:09

80sColourfulChristmas fairly sure MIL is not autistic as she didn't do it with everybody, just me. I can understand an autistic child absolutely having to correct an error. I don't particularly make lots of mistakes when talking just the odd little trip over a word that we all do. Also she does it even when it's perfectly obvious what l meant and has no bearing on being able follow the story. It's a belittling thing more than anything l think. I'm nc now anyway.

Original poster
Twiddlet · 15/12/2020 10:03

These suggestions for answers are superb. A few of you asked why I don’t just grow a backbone. If this means why don’t I refuse to tell her, I do. Perhaps I reworded it wrong when I said I was ‘having to explain my thoughts’. It’s more that I’m being asked to. Every single time she has asked I have said ‘nothing’ or ‘I’m listening to what xyz is saying’, simply because I think the thoughts in my head are mine and if I wanted to share them I’d say them out loud. She still keeps asking so it’s time for me to make up some conversation killers, I think. Thanks to everyone who replied - it’s a bit of a relief that it’s not just me that would find it annoying!

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 15/12/2020 12:57

It sounds like a bad habit.