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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL constantly asking “What are you thinking?”

45 replies

Twiddlet · 15/12/2020 00:21

Just this, really. I’ve known her 15 years and from day one she has constantly asked me to tell her what’s in my head whenever she catches me looking like I’m having a moment of thought to myself, eg if I’m just looking out of my own window at my garden or listening to someone in a conversation. Sometimes I wonder how long she’s been watching me and sometimes it makes me jump. It’s more annoying when we are in a group situation and I’m doing nothing more than simply listening someone speak and then she
puts me on the spot and gets everyone to turn to look at me by asking “What are you thinking?”
AIBU to be irritated by having to explain my thoughts out loud on demand or am I being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 15/12/2020 13:02

I had a colleague like this, thought it was just him striking up conversation. That or anxiety.

DecemberSun · 15/12/2020 13:04

@Spanglemum

It sounds like a bad habit.
Yes, I agree. Looking for something to say. Some people find silence difficult. She's trying to initiate conversation, perhaps.
UseOfWeapons · 15/12/2020 13:22

Yes, it would drive me crazy, I’d probably end up looking at her, and saying, ‘About how I’m going to shag your son senseless tonight!’
Perhaps a tad over the top?
Maybe ‘ Please don’t keep asking me that, it’s very intrusive, and makes me uncomfortable.’

SebastianTheCrab · 15/12/2020 17:03

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'd delight in it personally.

Me also.

How to get away with the perfect murder.

That every c in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

You could have HOURS of fun.

Yup. Just reply "cock" next time. She probably won't ever ask again Grin

KittenCalledBob · 15/12/2020 17:08

To be fair I think it's probably just her way of trying to get to know you better. I'd find it annoying too though!

Love the one about every c in Pacific Ocean!

SarahAndQuack · 15/12/2020 17:20

It's just a common phrase for including someone back into the conversation, isn't it? Confused

Do you also get offended when people ask 'how are you doing' (because if you wanted to share that private information you'd do so)? Or do you, like everyone else, just reply 'good thanks and you?'

I expect she just wants to hear something like 'oh, not much, go on' or 'oh yes, lovely news about BIL's cousin' or whatever. It's not a deep question! It's the equivalent of her holding up a sign saying 'I now make superficial interaction with my DIL'.

Fckingfuming · 15/12/2020 17:35

'Dark murderous thoughts Mary, dark murderous thoughts......' Tinkly laugh😁

Fairyliz · 15/12/2020 18:02

Are you a really quiet person op? Do you spend a lot of time staring into space?

I have a friend like this and because she doesn't say much I often think I might be boring her. Rather than say 'am I boring you?' I might say this so she can talk about something she is interested in.

justilou1 · 15/12/2020 18:08

“Just listening to the voices in my head”. Then
grin evilly

NameChange84 · 15/12/2020 18:10

I had a relative who used to do this. She had a personality disorder (genuine diagnosis) and only saw people as for her “use”, she hated any idea that her “loved ones” world might not revolve around her. We all had to walk on eggshells around her and if we were quiet she’d want to know what we’d been thinking about and then ask if we were telling the truth.

She stopped asking me after my replies were the following;

“You look very preoccupied. What are you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about how long my tampon has been in. I accidentally left it in for three hours longer than I should have when I was on my last period and then I got a nasty infection and I’m sure it might have been to do with that, you know I have a very heavy flow and it can’t be good to have something like that in there for too long. The smell was awful. I consider myself to have had a very lucky escape. I worry that I could have got toxic shock syndrome. You know when I think about it, I wonder if tampons are even all that good for you. When I was in California, they had tampons made of organic cotton. Cotton can be toxic I think. I hope there aren’t any long term repercussions. I did think of getting a mooncup but then I’m quite small down there and I’m not sure what size to go for...I take it you’ve heard of mooncups? Oh you haven’t, wait, let me Google and I’ll show you!”

“You look puzzled. What are you thinking about?”

(She was really not academic)

“Do you ever realise that you’ve suddenly forgotten something that you used to be really good at? Just now...it sort of popped into my head that I have completely forgotten how to do Quadratic Equations. I’m trying to remember when I forgot how to do them. I feel like this time last year I could have quite confidently have done a few without even blinking but now...all of a sudden...it’s gone. And yet, for years...I could do them. Gosh! I think I’ve even forgotten very basic trigonometry. Is it possible that, whilst studying for my GSCE’s, with the scope and breadth of everything that we were studying all at once, that I never actually committed basic algebra to my long term memory? Maybe it all went into short term memory? I wonder how long things stay in our short term memories? Is there an expiry date do you think? When exactly does it get...pushed out? Gosh...don’t you think that this sort of thing is completely FASCINATING?! I do. I could talk about it for DAYS!”

The one that really upset her was,

“You’ll maybe know the answer to this seeing as you are Catholic! I’m thinking about the Creed. You know where is says “I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come?” Where are the dead now? Like right this moment. So the people that have been dead for thousands of years? Are they not resurrected yet? Do they have an awareness of the fact that they are dead but not resurrected? I’ve heard that the resurrection of the dead is when souls are reunited with their earthly bodies so does that mean that right now those souls are wandering around without an body and, if so, where are their bodies right now? And do you get to choose the age of the body you have when you are fully resurrected? I’ve heard theologians say that God’s time is not like our time and that it’s not linear or that what for us is a thousand years is like, a second for God, so when we die are we on God’s time...like when we change time zones on holiday? Or are we on human time until the “resurrection of the dead”. I just worry about wandering about in limbo, a soul without a body for...twenty thousand years or something, just waiting for the resurrection of the dead. I do hope we end up on God’s time and it’s more like a second because doesn’t the alternative just send shivers up and down your spine and fill you with absolute dread and fear?”

After that she never asked me what I was thinking again Grin.

MrsLebowski · 15/12/2020 18:13

Tell her you were thinking about shagging Jason Mamoa.

justilou1 · 16/12/2020 03:15

That might actually be true....

Wiredforsound · 16/12/2020 03:28

Tell her about poo, like that time you hadn’t gone for two days and you were sore and when you finally had a shit it was like a brick and you were nearly crying with the pain of forcing it out and you thought you were going to have to get the pliers and you blocked the toilet, but the relief was enormous, and you needed a lie down after.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2020 04:02

@MrsLebowski

Tell her you were thinking about shagging Jason Mamoa.
Now I'm thinking about that.
Apple31419 · 16/12/2020 05:56

Agree with @KittenCalledBob
.. To be fair I think it's probably just her way of trying to get to know you better. I'd find it annoying too though!..

It's probably just a conversational crutch she's used to using. I personally don't mind being asked it, there's a chance she doesnt mind either and if ever l no one else has said anything, why would she know there's a problem? Do you honestly think she's doing it to be horrible?

There's no need for an out of the blue snarky response, especially if you've set expectations b that is not a problem (for years). Just say "hey, I don't really like being asked that, can you stop please" or even ask her why she asks?. Perhaps like another pp suggested you drifted off miss sentence prior - you never know!

Apple31419 · 16/12/2020 05:56

... Although it is fun to come up with snarky responses 😁

NewlyGranny · 16/12/2020 06:04

Whoever asked this of me at an inappropriate moment - i.e. not during a team meeting when we were discussing the way forward - would get the same answer:

"What am I thinking? Right now? You do NOT want to know, trust me on this!"

Or tell her you were trying to remember the fourth verse of the French poem you had to learn at school and start reciting it. That has worked well for me. German poems work even better. Watch them glaze over and realise they're internally vowing never to ask again. Job done!

She's clearly asking because she hasn't two thoughts of her own to rub together!

NewlyGranny · 16/12/2020 06:07

Or simply say you were mentally arranging the 50 US states in reverse alphabetical order and ask her whether she thinks New York should come first, because Y, or be moved just ahead of Nevada, because N?

Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 06:09

@Tonightstheteriyakichicken

I had a colleague like this, thought it was just him striking up conversation. That or anxiety.
Yeah maybe a nervous tic when one of the group starts staring off into space clearly thinking about something
Sinful8 · 16/12/2020 06:09

@NewlyGranny

Whoever asked this of me at an inappropriate moment - i.e. not during a team meeting when we were discussing the way forward - would get the same answer:

"What am I thinking? Right now? You do NOT want to know, trust me on this!"

Or tell her you were trying to remember the fourth verse of the French poem you had to learn at school and start reciting it. That has worked well for me. German poems work even better. Watch them glaze over and realise they're internally vowing never to ask again. Job done!

She's clearly asking because she hasn't two thoughts of her own to rub together!

Don't they then just ask "why?"
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