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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu it's a MIL thing. She turns up all the time. Not even Lockdown can stop her.

57 replies

dingledongmerrilymysky · 14/12/2020 22:17

My MIL tends to invite herself over, this is a general thing she has always done since I had my first Dc. I think she makes up her mind to come and even if I say I'm not home she takes no notice and comes anyway. I think she doesn't believe me that I'm busy. Example being she calls my mobile saying she's phoned the house and no answer. I say I'm in IKEA so don't come over I'm busy. I get home hours later and she's having a hot chocolate in my kitchen anyway . Yes she has a key, but I've found her sitting in my garden or out on my wall when she's forgotten her key and come anyway, when I've said I'm going out or am out somewhere else. I don't agree to head back for her and I tell her not to come if I'm busy.
I'm a SAHM so I'm generally home but she won't come unless it's on her terms. I don't even mind her letting herself in to be honest IF I'd agreed to be there and I was late. She's not the nosey type and sadly she doesn't clean my house either. The issue is the lack of listening to when it's not convenient. Like I'm having someone else over ( pre- Covid)

Now she keeps telling me she is coming for the weekend as we are in a support bubble. I just don't want her here all the time, and not for a whole weekend. She doesn't listen and I clearly say no and she just comes anyway. I actually said no not this weekend. She of course never asks DH, she never actually asks me to be fair, she tells me she's coming. So she came for a weekend before and now how can I stop her coming again? I said it was a one off. My DH says to stop stressing she won't come, and he agrees that we don't want her here all the time or she'll bloody be moving in next. She will 100% just turn up again. It's very awkward, I appreciate she's lonely and it's fine sometimes, but not all the time and not uninvited. So unless I kick out Grandma infront of the kids what can I do? I'm feeling very manipulated. I don't see how I can deal with her. I would think she's unwell mentally, but she's very much a selfish person and if you asked her to even come round for her grandchild's birthday and it didn't suit her she wouldn't come.

I might need to get the locks changed as step 1 .. maybe move and not tell her where? This situation is ridiculous. I get on dne with her, I don't hate her, but I don't want her over every damn weekend.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 15/12/2020 10:27

The relationship otherwise seems OK is rather a puzzler given that one party is so transgressive as to ignore the other's preferences and boundaries.

I'll be interested to see how this plays out as from a surface reading I'd expect your DH to crumble and give him mother a key if you were to change the locks.

lemmein · 15/12/2020 10:39

I wouldn't change the locks, she'll expect the new one so it's not going to avoid having the awkward conversation.

I'd ask for your key back - say you've lost yours if you really don't want to be blunt, and never replace it.

You're very patient OP - no way would I put up with this, but then, I can't stand my MIL so wouldn't care if I upset her, it's a very difficult situation you're in. I doubt you can avoid bluntness with this one!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 15/12/2020 10:46

Could you walk round the house naked, saying that's what you do when alone, and as you weren't expecting her....😃😉

TwentyViginti · 15/12/2020 10:52

DH sounds like a wet lettuce.

It's not him being bothered all the time, so he doesn't really get how disruptive this is.

thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 15/12/2020 11:09

I never cease to be amazing at these threads. The thought of letting myself in my adult child’s house uninvited is totally foreign to me.
Who do these mother in laws think they are!

You need to get that key back and change the locks. Where is your husband in all this. He needs to be laying down some extremely overdue ground rules.

I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this. 💐

LindaEllen · 15/12/2020 11:18

I had this with my dad before I lived with my partner. He'd just turn up whenever he felt like it, even though I WFH and it was in the middle of the day.

When I moved in with DP I had to have a conversation with him very sternly about texting to plan coffees and meet-ups etc as DP didn't want to come home from work several days a week to find my dad lay watching TV in his front room (DP never said this by the way - but we do need our private time!)

Now, he will text before he comes. It's usually something like 'I'll be round in half an hour' but it's a step in the right direction ..

Fluffy40 · 15/12/2020 11:18

Can you self isolate for 14 days?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/12/2020 11:27

Surely the obvious answer is 'No, we're seeing you next weekend on Christmas' (I assume you are?)

TillyTopper · 15/12/2020 11:52

Do you give her time when she's with you? My MIL was similar, although not so extreme as yours. She thought "working from home" meant I'd spend time with her, even though I told her don't come in the week as I'm working full time and really busy. She turned up - spent 2 days on the sofa by herself, I just left her to it. Felt tough but it did actually cure the problem!

Before you go so far as changing the locks etc, get DH on board with it and just carry on if she enters your house.

wizzbangfizz · 15/12/2020 11:53

How bloody rude. It amazes me an adult woman can't see this.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 15/12/2020 12:22

You sound like a lovely DIL and have been more than tolerant with this situation.

Your MIL is crossing boundaries and being really rude.

You need to tell your DH that you have reached your absolute limit with her behaviour and he needs to have a firm but gentle conversation with his mother. He needs to address this issue head on and if possible go to her house one evening this week and tell her face to face that you both love her dearly but she cannot dictate when she visits and invite herself to stay. If he tells you to stop stressing tell him to stop minimising your feelings and explain to him that you would like his full support on this issue. If he refuses to sort this out then you have more than just a MIL issue.

Don't be manipulated into feeling awkward or guilty as it is not you that is causing this situation.

Nottherealslimshady · 15/12/2020 12:27

Change the locks. Dont answer the phone. If you get home and shes sat on the garden wall then just drive off again. Or say "I told you we were busy, I haven't got time for you to come in." Tell kids to say bye and go inside and lock the door.

Where does she sleep when she comes over for the weekend?

Yohoheaveho · 15/12/2020 12:30

You need to be as rude entitled and selfish as she is.... infact more so
Change the locks and keep on ignoring her until she gets the message ....and then some

ScarletZebra · 15/12/2020 12:32

My MIL used to turn up at really inconvenient times on a regular basis. It was many many years until my DH admitted that she had arranged them with him before doing so Angry.

I was sick of the intrusion but she must have thought I was so rude. DH listened to me ranting and never once said he'd said it was OK.

Is it possible yours has done the same?

Anna713 · 15/12/2020 12:36

I had this problem several years ago. My husband seemed incapable of sorting it out. My mil was not even particularly nice when she came. She criticised me and my children all the time. The only thing that worked was being out when she came. The children were a bit older by this time so I didn't have to take them with me , except for the youngest. I just used to go to a friends or to the supermarket even. If my pil were still there when I got back I'd go out for a bit longer. I left my husband at home and he soon got fed up of being chief entertainer when I wasn't there and within quite a short space of time they stopped turning up every single Sunday unannounced. I didn't wish to be unkind and I certainly didn't mind regular visits but not every single week with no notice. People take advantage of your good nature if you dont do something.

GlitterandBalloons · 15/12/2020 12:50

Change the locks and if she asks why say you misplaced keys, dont offer a replacement (call first then youll know if Im home), doors locked when home. Rearrange so you can sit in the back of the house with the kids and ignore front door if it goes (I used to hide upstairs from mine if called uninvited, didnt take long before they stopped dropping by as and when they wanted when it repeatedly turned into a wasted trip, they call first check if ok and then pop over now).
Consider getting rid of the home phone just keep the line if you need it for internet and screen her calls using mobile, make sure you pick up sometimes if you want to preserve the relationship but not more than you are happy with.

Barmyfarmy · 15/12/2020 13:34

Get your DH to tell MIL that you keep having to cancel the children's plans and other family plans when she drops by unannounced or visits for a whole weekend and the children get upset. Change the locks and tell her she may visit for a day that suits all of you and she can go home for her own dinner. If she stays in a spare room, perhaps mention you're turning it into a playroom for DC

hansgrueber · 15/12/2020 13:46

I love reading threads like this, makes me think I'm a marvelous MIL/M as I would never dream of doing those things!

Redwinestillfine · 15/12/2020 14:31

Definitely change the locks and get you DH to have a word. It needs to come from him. It's making you both uncomfortable, she needs to respect your boundaries and if you say you are busy then must not turn up anyway. Then if that doesn't work just don't answer.

Coughsyrupsucks · 15/12/2020 14:44

My MIL was like this, I’d come home from work to find she’d been in the house all day and eaten all the food. My last straw was when I discovered she’d let herself in, rummaged through our bedroom drawers for something to wear. She’d then demand a lift home because FIL had been working all day and couldn’t possible drive 15 mins to get her Hmm

It sounds like you can’t stop her, so my advice, change the locks, and then when you can move. My MIL thankfully couldn’t drive, so we chose somewhere off a bus route and a good hour from their house so too far for a cab. Wishing you lots of luck!

nosswith · 15/12/2020 16:45

It will be painful short term but worth setting boundaries. The lock changing I agree with.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 15/12/2020 17:03

Ask for the “spare” key back. Don’t refer to it as hers. Say you have a friend helping you out with some jobs and she needs it.

Your MIL doesn’t need to keep the spare as there is no need for her to be there when you aren’t home and she can call & check if you are in before she plans to visit.

You’ll need to be firm and insist there is no need for her to have a key. X

EnPoinsettia · 15/12/2020 17:18

Collar with a bell.

2bazookas · 15/12/2020 17:34

Start by getting her key back. Yours has broken.

Then send her a letter that lays down the rules for visits

TooManyDogsandChildren · 15/12/2020 17:39

Move house!

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