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Original poster

Baby stranger anxiety - I like it- am I weird ?

44 replies

opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 20:37

My angel baby girl has been super chilled with any situation throughout her life. She's 11 months old. She kind of goes to anyone in the family ( we'll lockdown permitting). She seems obsessed with her daddy and is always saying daddy daddy daddy. She seems independent generally but doesn't really call out for me much or get bothered when I'm not near her. Recently she's started getting upset when she sees someone she doesn't really know and I kind of like it that she needs me for a cuddle. I just want to feel needed by her. Is that normal ? Felt a bit upset today because she got upset at some strangers and mother in law insisted on being the one to comfort her when I really wanted to do it. Why am I needy with my baby like this? Not big problem in the grand scheme of life, just wondered if other mums felt like this.

OP posts:
coffeeandjuice · 14/12/2020 20:42

Completely normal I think. It really stresses me out when my baby is in distress and someone gets there first. I have to fight all my instincts to wrestle that person down so I can be the one in the cape 🙂

OverTheRainbow88 · 14/12/2020 20:46

I just want to feel needed by her. Is that normal ?

Ummm not particularly normal, why do you think you feel like this? Did you struggle to bond?

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 20:52

@OverTheRainbow88 I don't know. I didn't think so. I just lately feel like I want her to need me and to show it. Not sure where that comes from and wondered if other mums felt like that too. Thanks for your answer.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 14/12/2020 20:54

Might be because she’s getting older and more independent it is starting to freak you out a bit?

ButterPie1 · 14/12/2020 21:00

Have you posted 2 almost identical threads OP?

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:01

@OverTheRainbow88 yeah maybe that ! And mixed in with feeling bad because I'm back at work and I don't spend as much time with her and she's learning a lot of new things and more responsive than she was when I first went back to work. She's a proper little person now and understands a lot, so I feel like I'm missing out more as she responds so much more and that means if we had a really good bond, it would show more now. Maybe I'm afraid it doesn't show because I don't look after her 100 percent of the time as I work. Ok I think I worked it out. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:02

@ButterPie1 yes I'm sorry. They're similar but also slightly different. One was more aimed at the mother in law, although this one mentions her too. But this was more about if people also kind of like it when they're baby has stranger anxiety and needs them.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 14/12/2020 21:03

Your her mum, her constant, she loves you.

It’s hard going back to work, try not to put too much pressure on yourself and overthink everything

yahyahs22 · 14/12/2020 21:06

I'm so besotted my 7 month old. I love that he pushes people away to get to me. I completely 100% agree with you and yes its normal and fine

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/12/2020 21:12

Yup pretty normal. I'm a childminder and do get a few parents that you can tell are a bit, for want of a better word, disappointed if their child doesn't cry or make a fuss when they leave. They sort of hang around waiting to see if they will cry. Gets to the point with some that you lost have to kick them out of the door 🤣

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:15

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion Hahahaahah aw that's brilliant. It's funny. We just want to feel needed. I mentioned it to my mum and she said she never felt like that with us and we always needed her and maybe I should play more / be nicer to my daughter / pay more attention to her and then she would be more clingy. Needless to say- a dagger through my heart. Sigh.

OP posts:
RachelRosie · 14/12/2020 21:16

I sort of get what you mean OP.

My DD is all about daddy, however, she was at his mum's a while back with him and got upset and kept asking for me. Whilst I didn't like her being upset, I liked the run and cuddle I got when I turned up!

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:17

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion actually I just remembered - apparently I was never needy either and when I started nursery I just jumped right in and never cried- I never even looked back my mum said. I also would always push her away when she tried to help me do stuff and was super independent. So maybe my girl takes after me in that respect.

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Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:18

@RachelRosie aw bless her. I'm not ready to send her anywhere without me yet. When do people normally start doing that ? My husband was going to see his parents with her but without me today and I couldn't do it.

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Pipandmum · 14/12/2020 21:25

You don't want your daughter to be clingy. She does need you and loves you, but you should want her to be confident and curious.

I'm not saying you are doing this, but I think trying (or wishing) to get her to have some sort of separation anxiety just to prove to yourself that your child loves you is not good parenting. Be happy that she's maturing and responding to new experiences - with or without you.

JumperooSue · 14/12/2020 21:33

Although it’s lovely to feel loved by them and needed I have a daughter the same age and although sometimes quiet around new people I always go by her cues whether she’s happy or not but I don’t run to her immediately. She’s confident and I love watching her explore without me, I feel it’s best to sit back and let her do her thing and if she’s not comfortable she’ll let me know. If she’s hurt she’s easily comforted by me or her dad but if we weren’t around then grandparents could do the job equally as well. My friend has a daughter a month who is so clingy and it’s just awful, she won’t even be left with her dad, she only wants her mum and that’s hard.

JumperooSue · 14/12/2020 21:35

[quote opionionsplease]@RachelRosie aw bless her. I'm not ready to send her anywhere without me yet. When do people normally start doing that ? My husband was going to see his parents with her but without me today and I couldn't do it. [/quote]
I think you should maybe work on letting your husband have time with her without you. My partner regularly takes our daughter to see his mum, I would never tell him he couldn’t and it means I have a few hours to myself.

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 21:41

The fact that you want her to be upset by strangers so you can comfort her, and the fact that you won't let her own father take her out without you, even though she's almost a year old, are both pretty worrying.

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:43

@Ohalrightthen worrying in what way ? Genuine question.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 21:49

[quote opionionsplease]@Ohalrightthen worrying in what way ? Genuine question. [/quote]
Like, the fact that it is SO important to you to be the one who makes your baby feel better, that you kinda like her being upset, that is not normal, or healthy.

The fact that in almost a year you haven't let her have any time by herself with her father, that isn't normal or healthy. Or fair! That is so unfair! You're damaging their relationship because of your own insecurities.

I think you need to see a therapist.

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:51

@JumperooSue my daughter sounds just like yours. I won't stop her from being like that. It's just nice to feel needed sometimes.

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/12/2020 21:52

They're supposed to have separation anxiety at 11 months. It is a normal part of baby development and a sign of strong attachment to parents.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/separation-anxiety/

Ohalrightthen · 14/12/2020 21:53

[quote CarterBeatsTheDevil]They're supposed to have separation anxiety at 11 months. It is a normal part of baby development and a sign of strong attachment to parents.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/separation-anxiety/[/quote]
Yeah the separation anxiety is normal, OPs response is not.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/12/2020 21:54

I mean with people they don't know, not with family they do know well. I was a bit confused about what OP is asking I think

Original poster
opionionsplease · 14/12/2020 21:54

@Ohalrightthen she has time by herself with her father. I just haven't let her go alone to see the grandparents. I leave her with her father alone frequently or even with grandparents alone. I also work so my mother in law or my mother or my husband look after her alone. As for the rest of your post, yeah perhaps I'm strange in how I feel but a lot of others have said they understand my feelings. I would never act on them and try to get my daughter to be extra clingy. I just want her to be happy.

OP posts:
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