Baby stranger anxiety - I like it- am I weird ?

[opionionsplease]

My angel baby girl has been super chilled with any situation throughout her life. She's 11 months old. She kind of goes to anyone in the family ( we'll lockdown permitting). She seems obsessed with her daddy and is always saying daddy daddy daddy. She seems independent generally but doesn't really call out for me much or get bothered when I'm not near her. Recently she's started getting upset when she sees someone she doesn't really know and I kind of like it that she needs me for a cuddle. I just want to feel needed by her. Is that normal ? Felt a bit upset today because she got upset at some strangers and mother in law insisted on being the one to comfort her when I really wanted to do it. Why am I needy with my baby like this? Not big problem in the grand scheme of life, just wondered if other mums felt like this.

I think you're being a little bit harsh, @Ohalrightthen - I don't think the OP wants her daughter to be upset, I think it's probably more that when her DD is upset, it makes OP happy that her DD wants her: that it makes her feel good to be able to comfort her baby.

I kind-of know what you mean, OP - I love it when one-year-old DD wants comfort or cuddles from me. It does worry me a little bit too, though, as I do want her to be confident and curious. She doesn't get upset with strangers but she goes all shy and curls into me.

I think part of the issue is that we haven't had the normal opportunities to socialise our babies due to covid.

@RedPandaFluff thank you. I do think the answers were super harsh BUT I asked a question for opinions and so I'm not in a position to complain or argue. Everyone is different. I know mums who've not been away from their babies for even one night in 6 years ) no longer babies ). Or other mums who just will not send their children to nursery because they're not ready ( child is 3 ). Really, everyone is different. But I know more mums like the ones I describe, rather than mums like me. I've been working full time since my baby was 7 months old. Maybe that plays into my feelings of wanting to be needed, as well as the other mums in my life that are stay at home mums.

I'm sure I need to see a therapist anyway, I think everyone does ! My new course of counselling starts in January anyway and I'm looking forward to addressing these feelings with a therapist as I really don't want it to hold my daughter back. Like I said, I totally let her do her own thing and I'm happy she's super independent. But I really want to explore why I feel like this. Thanks to the ones that said it's normal! Perhaps it just is normal for some mums to feel like this sometimes and that's it ! It's always nice to feel needed !

Sounds a bit Munchausensy to be honest. It's all very well wanting to be the one to comfort your child when they are upset but to actually like her being upset by strangers so you're then able to comfort her is an odd way of putting it.
You want to feel needed and loved by your daughter, of course you do, but this is a rather short term thing. If you encourage/condition her to be clingy for you all the time I guarantee you will tire of it before she does. You should want to support her to feel confident to explore the world around her and to know you'll always have her back. That's a very normal parental wish. But to actively enjoy it when your child is fearful or uncomfortable just so you can be the one to comfort her is not normal, no.

@

My nearly 2 year old went through an 'I prefer daddy and I want you to go away' phase. Exhausting for him and very upsetting for me. I freely admit I felt some happiness when she switched to being super clingy to me for a while. It's not wrong or therapy requiring to feel reassured that your child needs and loves you.

I remember being desperate to feel needed, but my DTs just didn’t care that I’d left them with ‘strangers’ (crèche workers for a course I was on) or with family when I went on holiday without them. I felt like I’d screwed up with my mothering. I had pnd though, was desperate to feel they liked me and it was just another stick to beat myself with.

They’re now 3 and demand me constantly. I miss the olden days where they weren’t so bothered about mama!!

@Ohtherewearethen I had to google what that meant. I'm not trying to condition her. I just like to feel needed I guess. I'll explore it further with my therapist.

Wow @Ohtherewearethen those responses are incredibly harsh, unfair and borderline weird. Very rude at the least.

OP, does some of it have to do with the fact that most of her life has been spent in lockdown? I had a lockdown baby and it has been really hard because I’ve spent most of the time just the 2 of us, parents and friends etc haven’t been able to see her much so I did struggle when things opened up and lots of people were around her. From quite a primal place it surprised me how difficult I found it sometimes when MIL was showering her with kisses.

I don’t think it’s abnormal exactly, but you could definitely take steps to get to feeling more comfortable not to have her at your side every moment of the day, and she will likely thrive on it. I do also think you should let your husband have some 1-on-1 time with her too. Try not to let your own insecurities / worries cloud letting her have her own relationship with her father.

@MuchTooTired aw OK, so maybe it's linked. I'm struggling a lot and I feel like a bad mother all the time and like you say- I beat myself up with that one as well. Like she should want to be with me if I was a good mum. It's just another manifestation of feeling down.

@Pipandmum

You don't want your daughter to be clingy. She does need you and loves you, but you should want her to be confident and curious. I'm not saying you are doing this, but I think trying (or wishing) to get her to have some sort of separation anxiety just to prove to yourself that your child loves you is not good parenting. Be happy that she's maturing and responding to new experiences - with or without you.

This. Plus separation anxiety is just a normal developmental stage. It’s like thinking that your baby starting crawling is about her relationship with you.

[quote opionionsplease]@MuchTooTired aw OK, so maybe it's linked. I'm struggling a lot and I feel like a bad mother all the time and like you say- I beat myself up with that one as well. Like she should want to be with me if I was a good mum. It's just another manifestation of feeling down. [/quote]
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, but your baby having a clingy phase is not about your parenting. Stop beating yourself up.

@Nore I should be happy that she is so confident and not clingy and see it as a good thing and that I've done a good job- rather than the other way around !

The OP has never said she is glad that her baby was upset; only that she was glad her daughter needed her for a cuddle when she was upset. They are very different things.
OP, you probably feel insecure sometimes because you had to leave your baby to go back to work and are glad when she shows signs that you are the most important person to her and needs you to help her overcome any anxieties of her own. I work with parents postnatally and in my experience, this seems to be a normal feeling! On a good note, her independence and confidence reflects well on your parenting. Have a read up on attachment theory. The more secure a baby feels, with a strong and secure attachment to their parent/s, the more likely they are to become confident and independent as they become older. Any feelings of stranger anxiety are eased by the security they feel in their parents' presence and helps them to become independent, strong and happy little beings. OP, it seems that you recognise this instinctively! So, definitely no harm in your feeling like this.

@opionionsplease you’re not a bad mum and I’m sorry you’re struggling a lot. I remember asking the HV and the crèche workers about it when they were babies as I was terrified that we’d not bonded properly and they told me that it was good because it meant they knew I was coming back so there was nothing to worry about!

I ended up seeking help when the babies were about 8 months (I’d been in denial up until then) and started taking ads as I couldn’t go on anymore the way I was. It was amazing, it’s like the world became colour again and all the negative second guessing of myself melted away. I know I’m not a perfect mother, but to my kids I am because I’m theirs and I know I do my best.

DD went through a phase where she only wanted her Dad, and DH was pretty sad when she switched to me. In my limited experience they go through phases. Although I could really do with them switching back to DH as the favourite

I don’t think you’re abnormal at all. This mothering lark sure does stir up so many complicated emotions!

I get you OP, every time my DC goes through a ‘developmental leap’ he becomes super clingy and I secretly LOVE IT. It feels like I have true purpose when DC needs me for something or needs me for comfort.

Side note: I had/have a very full filing life outside of DC but it’s a feeling that takes over when he needs me.

Babies need their parents and mothers in particular need their babies and also need their babies to need them. This is part of a perfectly normal, healthy and beneficial developmental relationship for all sides.

On one element, it's a normal phase to go through sudden parent clinginess around a year old.

OP, I understand.
I've 9-month old twins, and have recently gone back to work full time.
I've a childminder in my house looking after the babies. I'm afraid they're going to forget me, and prefer the childminder, since she spends all day with them. I'm secretly delighted when the babies crawl over to me, and not her! (but they love her too).

Sounds a bit Munchausensy to be honest.

🤣 have a day off love, ffs