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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs phonecalls

26 replies

Teaga · 14/12/2020 19:35

I’m aware this is slightly irrational but it’s annoying the crap out of me.

DP has to phone his DC everyday atm as he hasn’t been able to see them due to them having to isolate for 14 days... this phone call usually last 20-30 mins daily around dinner time. So I obviously have to do our baby dinnertime etc whilst he’s doing that... it’s annoying as it’s a manic time but I can’t begrudge him phoning his children as he is really missing then.

But then after appearing from that he may phone his mum for 20 mins as he’s missing her and then he will appear for half an hour and then will phone his sister/brother this call can last up to an hour. These aren’t every day but probably 3-4 times a week.

Now I know his family matter.... but if anyone calls me it’s a quick 5 minute call or I’ll say I’ll call later when DCs are in bed, I don’t have the time to leisurely chat to anyone really.

I’m at home all day and he’s a work then when he’s home in the evening it’s phonecalls all the blooodyyyy time... now as I being mean ?

YABU- he should be able to speak to his family at leisure
YANBU - he should put the phone down and help out with DC

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 14/12/2020 19:48

YABU. Of course it’s okay to speak to his family; he makes time for them. You can do exactly the same, you’re just choosing to martyr yourself instead.

Original poster
Teaga · 14/12/2020 19:55

@emilyfrost but if I did that too... who would cook dinner, do bath and bedtime ... he could make time for those people once DC is in bed.

Apart from his own DC obviously that call is understandably before bedtime but the rest of the people are awake and available for calls after 8

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 14/12/2020 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

fourandnomore · 14/12/2020 20:06

Have you asked him to call people once the kids are in bed as you’re sick of doing it all in your own?

lovepickledlimes · 14/12/2020 20:18

It's great he is calling his family and making time for them. Could he call them at a different time? with the kids I do understand timing could be more tricky

Original poster
Teaga · 14/12/2020 20:19

@fourandnomore

I did the other day but he said his mum wanted to see our baby.... which lasted all of 2 minutes as he’s into everything and you can’t talk to him... so I’m chasing him around the front room whilst he has a nice chat with his mum about how much hard work the baby is now he’s able to get around more 🙃 and then he will wander off as DC will scream and just be noisy so he can’t hear what his mum is saying.

OP posts:
TheGremlinsAreComing · 14/12/2020 20:20

If you're at home all day though you have time to call people then, presumably? Whereas he's out at work all day and only has evenings to call.

If he did all this after your DC were in bed, would you be saying he's calling people when he should be chilling out with you? Or would you be ok with him calling people while you're in the middle of a film or whatever?

I get that meal times are busy (it's mayhem in my house!) but it's not like it's every day of the week by the sound of it.

Personally I think YABU

IRememberMySpaceBabe · 14/12/2020 20:24

I think YANBU. I’m a bit guilty of this but I’m aware of it and I do try keep calls short. My DM is in her 70s and lives alone (she’s totally fine and not frail or anything) but since covid I do like to speak to her most days, and for various reasons we usually end up talking about 5pm, when the DC are eating - leaving DH in charge of often-chaotic tea times. However, I do often just have a 5 min chat, and Invary the times when I can - she works and I work, so it can be really tricky. DH is low-contact with MIL and his siblings so never has the same need to be on the phone.

Original poster
Teaga · 14/12/2020 20:25

@lovepickledlimes I understand the children as they go to bed even earlier so he has to phone them at that time, although I have asked if he could move it to a different time on weekends yesterday night as all hell was breaking loose and he has agreed.

But no idea why everyone and his wife needs to be phoned before the DC here are in bed, he likes to have time chill once they are in bed I think so wants to get it out the way.... but that doesn’t help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaga · 14/12/2020 20:30

@TheGremlinsAreComing no I would not mind at all if he phoned once they are in bed. He was chatting to his sister until about 10 a few nights ago. I just had a tea in peace and it was bliss if I’m honest, he is the one that doesn’t want to loose that time.

In an ideal world I could but most people I know are at work. I also have a just turned 1 year old and a 9 year old and the school run takes about an hour and a half round trip (bus Envy) each pick up so my days pretty much run away with me if I’m being honest.

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 14/12/2020 20:32

@Teaga I am the same where I like to tick off all my obligations before dinner but I can see it is really not fair on you. Is there any way he can call these people on the weekend or during his lunch break etc.

ShalomToYouJackie · 14/12/2020 20:37

I think ringing his kinds is fine but coming home from work, not helping with dinner time spending 1.5-2 hours a night chatting on the phone in total and not spending time with you or helping out is crap

fourandnomore · 14/12/2020 21:31

It’s nice he keeps in touch but I think I would just start interrupting or have an agreed signal you can use if you need help with things.

olympicsrock · 14/12/2020 21:44

No - I work away from home Monday to Friday. I speak to the kids if convenient for DH and / orif they want to chat to me. Every day at same time not necessary. It’s an excuse akin to long visits to the toilet at bath time.....

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2020 21:53

I know what you mean OP: its nice to keep in touch with family but if its leaving you doing all the work by default its thoughtless. Also hour plus phonecalls three or four times a week would drive me around the bend. It's also eating into what little quality time you have left for the two of you presumably?

lovepickledlimes · 14/12/2020 22:02

@olympicsrock I can see that as necessary with his kids etc. It's important that kids don't feel they are losing a parent or that the parent is not someone they can rely on. I know that from my own experience

Brandaris · 14/12/2020 22:09

Can you take turns doing dinner/bedtime etc? So on the days it’s his turn to do dinner and bedtime he speaks to his children before dinner then everyone else after bedtime. Then on the days it’s your turn he can call them while you’re sorting dinner/bedtime?

Might feel a little fairer?

19lottie82 · 14/12/2020 22:12

3-4 times a week for 20 minutes at a time isn’t a huge deal, surely?

ShalomToYouJackie · 14/12/2020 22:51

@19lottie82 it's 20-30 min every day with kids then his DM for 20 mins then a sibling for up to an hour.

goldenharvest · 15/12/2020 09:40

You are at home all day with one baby and can't organise time for yourself in the evening to sit down? Seriously. Use a slow cooker and have the dinner ready within minutes. If you don't have a dishwasher, leave it until the morning when you have time. It should take an hour to bath and settle the baby. Just get organised and make time for yourself with your DP, and don't begrudge your DP time with his other family.

user1493413286 · 15/12/2020 09:49

I’d be fine with the phoning kids as they have a bedtime and evening routine I’d guess but he can phone the rest of his family after the kids are in bed. If DH makes a phone call when he should be taking part in dinner time or bath time I’ll ask him to come and help (the unspoken hint is to get off the phone); he’ll then either help while on the phone or finish the phone call.

Mrbob · 15/12/2020 09:50

Talking to kids yes. Talking to the rest of the family so often seems pretty excessive! Plus when is the family time with you and his other child?!

user1493413286 · 15/12/2020 09:50

I also think that making phone calls when he knows there’s things that need doing is possibly on purpose as it’s a good way to get out of it.

Simplyunacceptable · 15/12/2020 09:56

He obviously has a right to call his children but it shouldn’t be at dinner time, I imagine it probably inconveniences his ex too. Ask him to call them after dinner. The long phone calls to his Mother are another issue entirely, totally unnecessary to do this 3-4 times a week.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2020 10:01

After he’s spoken to his children say I’m going for a walk, you get bedtime tonigth and off you go.
And if he is annoyed when you come back and all: my family are important to me, your response is your family are just as awake at 9;30 as they are right in the middle of dc bedtime, my mental health and getting a bit of exercise should be important to you too, not to mention my feelings like I am in a partnership not doing solo bedtime every night with my children’s other parent hanging around focussing on what’s really important to him which doesn’t seem to be us.

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