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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To spend more money on my family than DH's?

47 replies

ProbablyLate · 14/12/2020 13:24

I'm from a very small family, both my parents are only children, so me and my two siblings are both my grandparent's only grandchildren. DH's parents are from families of 3 and 5 children, so lots of cousins, aunts and uncles etc.

My family have always spent quite a lot on Christmas. Now we're all working we would spend ~£50 each on parents, siblings and grandparents. My parents and grandparents would probably spend about £100 on each of us. We're not like super rich or extravagant generally, I think we all just enjoy choosing and giving gifts to one another that we enjoy.

DH's husband tend to spend around £20 on one another. They're actually probably slightly better off than my side of the family (I don't know exact finances obviously, but both parents work in a well paid job) so it's a choice rather than a funds-based-necessity. I think that's a fine system.

However, DH is asking why I'm spending more money on my family than his family. I was slightly surprised as he had told me they usually spend £20 on one another so I'd stuck to that.

We haven't really come to a conclusion about it, DH thinks now we're married we should spend less on my family because we're buying for more people (though we've also got both our wages coming in). I don't think you should worry too much about how much gifts reciprocated costs and am happy to give something of a higher value than I would receive if it's something you know they'll like and use but I don't think it seems right to spend £20 on both our younger brothers (similar ages and stages) when one's likely to spend £20 on us and the other £50.

So
YABU: You should spend the same amount on members of both sides of the family regardless on what they're going to spend to you.

YANBU: Both families have a system that works for them, it doesn't matter if you're spending the same amount on each.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 14/12/2020 13:33

We spend differently on everybody, reflective of what they spend on us. We buy for everyone on my side and spend less per person, but I always spend more on my mum. We spend more on PILs because they spend loads on us. And less on BIL family as they spend less. Although now we've started doing secret santa his side but that doesn't mean I'm going to start only buying for one of my relatives. I would feel guilty spending less money on people who spent more on us and I'd feel a bit put out to spend more on people who spend less on us.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 14/12/2020 13:37

How is your finances split? Use your own money to spend on your family as you see fit. He can do the same. He can't tell you what you can buy surely?

Patooty · 14/12/2020 13:40

We spend differently on each side too. I'd say my family are similar to yours but it's never crossed my mind that it's unfair.
I think even though you don't give to recieve and all that, it should be somewhat equal to the amount being spent on you. Otherwise it could potentially make one party either feel bad for having inadvertently spent alot less or the other party resentful for spending more.

Kippure · 14/12/2020 13:40

Why are you buying presents for his family, though? Why isn't he buying his own, with his own money?

EmmaStone · 14/12/2020 13:43

We buy differently - some years it's less for my family, other times it's more, but we don't have loads of people to buy for, most of the focus is on the children.

GlowingOrb · 14/12/2020 13:43

DH and my respective families have different Christmas spending habits so yes, we spend different amounts on each side. Neither of us see a problem with that.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2020 13:46

Depends on how your finances work?

We spend equally from joint finances what we can afford, regardless of what the other people spend.

However, if I wanted to treat my siblings or parents to something extra - and I have in the past - then I’d pay that from my own money, not joint.

MrDarcyismines · 14/12/2020 13:46

We also spend differently on each side too. My PIL/SIL are very generous. So I go out of my way to be the same. My parents/family are less so.... they're more like the ones who spend £20 per person. I don't have a specific budget but I usually spend £30/40 on parents & £25 on siblings and nieces.
My in laws, I'll spend way more than that but its also because of how generous they are not just with money but with love & their time. I have so much love for them and I like to show it even more so at Christmas!

Womencanlift · 14/12/2020 13:48

You buy yours, he buys his

Keep it that simple then you can buy what you want

timeforawine · 14/12/2020 13:49

My husband sorts out the gifts for his family and i sort out the gifts for mine, we just add the other's name to the gift tag, that way i can spend what i like and he can spend what he likes

movingonup20 · 14/12/2020 13:49

Until I split from h we always spent more on my family than his because his family didn't really bother to see us much, never came for Christmas dinner (despite annual invites) and gave us crappy cheap tat that ended up being returned/given to charity shop/binned, and his dad would give us a couple of bottles of cheap wine, that's it l. Gifts aren't about exact reciprocation but considering equal ish incomes a gift should be thoughtful and appropriate first but also roughly in the same ball park, we felt they were more comfortable with modest gifts too so they didn't have the pressure to buy.

Thankfully a non issue now, but I know stbexh has bought gifts for my family despite the fact he left me over a year ago, he cares for them a lot and is going to see them as soon as Covid restrictions ease (and they have had the jab).

So what I'm saying, absolutely fine for unequal gifts if that's appropriate. Perhaps you have the same pot of money each, his is simply split more ways?

liveitwell · 14/12/2020 13:52

@Womencanlift

You buy yours, he buys his

Keep it that simple then you can buy what you want

This.

SarahAndQuack · 14/12/2020 13:55

I think stay as you are. There's no comfortable option otherwise. You reduce down to £20 and your family might feel worried (if they think maybe you're having financial problems) or a little bit hurt (if they assume you've decided you don't care as much). You ask him to go up to £50 and, aside from the cost, either his family may think he's showing off, or they may feel obliged to match him.

Not saying that's how it should be, but I would be very surprised if you didn't get those responses.

Shelby30 · 14/12/2020 14:02

We used to spend roughly same per parents siblings nieces and nephews. Now that we have our own kids we spend extra on those with none seeing as they are buying for our kids. Also I have more family so overall my side we spend more. My family also help with childcare so those individuals get a bit extra spent too. No issues with it.

If there was quite a divide like you have then I would do similar to what u already do I don't see how he can have a problem with that. If he did I'd just start saying ok I buy urs and I'll buy mine, sorted!

VettiyaIruken · 14/12/2020 14:05

I think he just volunteered to buy, wrap and deliver all gifts for his side of the family from now on.

billy1966 · 14/12/2020 14:10

He buys for his, you buy for yours.

Don't be told what you can do by your husband.

It won't end well.

I really wouldn't be impressed being told this by him.

ShameMacGowan · 14/12/2020 14:13

We buy our own gifts for our families. I have no idea what he spends and vice versa but i think I probably spend way more money on mine.

MerchantOfVenom · 14/12/2020 14:16

You just say ‘sorry, I’m not comfortable spending less on my family than they will on me. That’s not OK for me, as I’m sure you can understand, so you buy your family’s presents and I’ll buy mine’.

End of conversation.

You do realises he doesn’t get to tell you what to do on this? He sounds unbearably petty, which is a really unattractive trait.

BiddyPop · 14/12/2020 14:19

I was going to say what MerchantofVenom already said ....
you buy for yours and he buys for his.

ivfbeenbusy · 14/12/2020 14:20

I spend a lot more on my parents - that's my prerogative - but we pay for own family presents - if DH wants to spend the same as me he is welcome to out of his own spending money but he never does

It would be different if you are using joint account money though for presents so technically he is paying half or more of your family presents because of what you each pay into it

Original poster

ProbablyLate · 14/12/2020 14:23

I'm between jobs at the minute so have just had more time to sort things, he'd happily buy and wrap the presents but there's a risk they'd be slightly bizarre and wrapped in newspaper whereas I'd like to impress my in-laws with my impressive wifery skills and beautiful wrapping!

It really came up because we chose the same thing as a gift for our younger brothers together, but I've chosen another two little gifts for my brother but not looked for anything else for his.

DH hasn't told me what I can and cannot do but did wonder whether it was right to spend more than twice the money on my mum then we would on his even though we have a similar relationship with them both.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 14:25

This is difficult, I think if you suddenly start reducing the value of your gifts it will make you feel bad. And if you start to increase the value of his families gifts it may make them feel bad, like they need to reciprocate.

I’d stick to the current system if I was you. If it needs to change then you should increase his families values.

However it does seem a lot of money you spend on your side. What percentage of the family income do you bring in?

The other option is maybe agree a thirty five pound limit on everyone, so reduce your families and increase his, meet in the middle

ivfbeenbusy · 14/12/2020 14:26

If you are between jobs presumably he is carrying a greater financial burden for the household ? If so then if gifts are bought out of a joint account then they should be of equal value

TerribleLizard · 14/12/2020 14:27

We each do our own families, but they’re all on one shared list so we help each other out. We have shared money but are both fairly easy going about it, so don’t have an agreed spend, and it can change from year to year, depending on what’s affordable. We leave each other to it on presents, but would discuss any larger than usual spending beforehand, just like any other purchases.

Our families are structured differently, so not massively comparable, but I think we just don’t really have opinions about each other’s family’s way of doing things, and assume the other knows best about their own family. We both enjoy Christmas, and giving presents, though, so it’s not a chore for either of us, which probably makes a difference, but we’ve never compared Christmas spend between families, and it’s never really come up as an issue.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 14:27

Ok that changes this, because in your op you say there are two wages coming in, but now you say you’re between jobs, is that unemployed or are you just waiting to start your next one and are employed?

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