Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To spend more money on my family than DH's?

47 replies

ProbablyLate · 14/12/2020 13:24

I'm from a very small family, both my parents are only children, so me and my two siblings are both my grandparent's only grandchildren. DH's parents are from families of 3 and 5 children, so lots of cousins, aunts and uncles etc.

My family have always spent quite a lot on Christmas. Now we're all working we would spend ~£50 each on parents, siblings and grandparents. My parents and grandparents would probably spend about £100 on each of us. We're not like super rich or extravagant generally, I think we all just enjoy choosing and giving gifts to one another that we enjoy.

DH's husband tend to spend around £20 on one another. They're actually probably slightly better off than my side of the family (I don't know exact finances obviously, but both parents work in a well paid job) so it's a choice rather than a funds-based-necessity. I think that's a fine system.

However, DH is asking why I'm spending more money on my family than his family. I was slightly surprised as he had told me they usually spend £20 on one another so I'd stuck to that.

We haven't really come to a conclusion about it, DH thinks now we're married we should spend less on my family because we're buying for more people (though we've also got both our wages coming in). I don't think you should worry too much about how much gifts reciprocated costs and am happy to give something of a higher value than I would receive if it's something you know they'll like and use but I don't think it seems right to spend £20 on both our younger brothers (similar ages and stages) when one's likely to spend £20 on us and the other £50.

So
YABU: You should spend the same amount on members of both sides of the family regardless on what they're going to spend to you.

YANBU: Both families have a system that works for them, it doesn't matter if you're spending the same amount on each.

OP posts:

escape · 14/12/2020 14:29

I spend roughly the same on all but do spend more on my own nieces and nephews, than those on my husband's side, not by much mind, but i pop extras in too. I do not care a jot because it's my money, most of it goes on his side because of the volume of them, and I never get as much as a thank you from most of them - truthfully they are lucky they even get a card. I enjoy putting thought into gifts for people I actually see and like, and who I know look forward to and enjoy the gift.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 14/12/2020 14:30

It sounds sensible you're just sticking with each family's status quo. It would be embarassing to be presented with an expensive gift from a cousin when I've only bought them a token bottle of wine. Likewise if your family enjoy larger presents and you can afford it then there's no reason to stop now.

Scottishskifun · 14/12/2020 14:31

Several years ago my husband and I split it so he buys his family presents and I buy my family presents we each spend our own money.

It makes life a lot easier as I don't have to stress over what to get my MIL and there is no discussion on cost - my husband a few years ago said I spent too much money on presents (£25 per person) he spends between £15-20.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/12/2020 14:32

Gifts should always be proportionate to what you receive. A £20 gift when someone spends £100+ on you isn’t fair - in that situation if you couldn’t afford to match gifts then make it clear you don’t want one.

Original poster

ProbablyLate · 14/12/2020 14:35

@Bluntness100 I finished my previous job at the end of November and don't start my new role until January. I guess this month I'm not contributing as much to our shared funds but up until this point, and again from January it's 50:50 coming in, though I'd been lodging free of charge with family friends in exchange for child care before marriage so had more savings so overall it balances out.

Neither of us are overly fussed about the money itself though, whether we spent more or less, the discussion is more about whether it's okay to be spending different amounts on people we have the same relationship with them eg. they're our mum.

OP posts:

Imissrealcoffee · 14/12/2020 14:37

DP has a much larger family so in total we spend more on his, normally getting them a larger main present then something little to go along side to match what they get us. Where as with my family my mum will spend a lot of money on us so we get her more presents then spend token amounts on the rest as we don’t see them that often.

It’s not like we spend Christmas with the in-laws together so neither family knows what we spend on the other.

Stick with what you’re doing now, although maybe to keep the peace spend the same amount on each family jointly then any extra for your own spend from your own money.

LannieDuck · 14/12/2020 14:43

I think each family has their own traditions.

Does he give to more people in total? In which case it makes sense to spend slightly less on each.

TW2013 · 14/12/2020 14:46

What is the rough total spend for each family also do they interact with each other to find out? I would probably be inclined to keep things as they are.

Original poster

ProbablyLate · 14/12/2020 14:59

@LannieDuck We actually now buy for a similar number of people, the explanation of the family size was partly to explain why I think they ended up doing things differently - it seemed relevant at the time!

We'll probably end up spending about £300 on my family, and £120 on his. I also have a potentially slightly outing craft-based skill that I sell some of online so have made his grandparents both something that I would sell for about £20 but cost less for me to produce.

OP posts:

bluechameleon · 14/12/2020 15:10

YABU to be buying the presents for his family, unless he is taking on some equally labour- and mental load-intensive task from you. But YANBU to stick to the present giving traditions of each family. I buy a proper present for my sister and DH buys a small jokey one for his brother as that's what we each prefer to do. We also buy presents for my aunt and uncle and not for any of his.

Derelictwreck · 14/12/2020 15:40

Surely the totals should match up pretty close as he has so many people to buy for?

Also this I'd like to impress my in-laws with my impressive wifery skills and beautiful wrapping! is just creating a rod for your own back you'll regret in a few years.

BackforGood · 14/12/2020 15:45

Depends on how your finances work?
We spend equally from joint finances what we can afford, regardless of what the other people spend.

I disagree with this ^
I think it would make people uncomfortable to be given a present that cost about £50 when they are giving presents to you that cost about £15.
Each family has a system that works for them, so, if you can afford it comfortably, them stick with those systems - don't make people feel uncomfortable.

user1493413286 · 14/12/2020 15:46

We spend more on DHs side of the family; they spend more on us and they do a huge amount to help us with childcare so we like to show them appreciation. On my side we’ve always done more £20-25 type presents and I see no reason to change that when it works for us. My family would be embarrassed if I started spending more and they’d got us presents in our normal budget and I’d be embarrassed to spend less on DHs family yet get bigger presents.

Original poster

probablylate · 14/12/2020 15:59

@Derelictwreck I don't expect the wifery skills to stay up to scratch for long - it's very much not my natural forte. But while it's our first Christmas married and I have the time off I thought I might as well make a good first impression!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2020 15:59

@BackforGood

Depends on how your finances work? We spend equally from joint finances what we can afford, regardless of what the other people spend.

I guess I'm coming at it from the perspective of the people with the least to spend, Back, rather than the ones making people uncomfortable with my £50 presents that aren't reciprocated!

I meant we spend what we can afford (not so much) regardless of whether someone else spends more on us. Because we can't afford to up our budget based on their budget.

I agree that if I was the higher spender, I wouldn't make the disparity obvious in order not to make the lower spender feel uncomfortable, but you can't dictate that to someone, they have to decide it for themselves.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/12/2020 16:05

Doesn't the cost balance itself out because there are more on his side? Either way I wouldn't have my DH tell me what I could and couldn't spend on my family. He wouldn't dream of doing that anyway (and I wouldn't to him if it were reversed)

Derelictwreck · 14/12/2020 17:56

[quote probablylate]@Derelictwreck I don't expect the wifery skills to stay up to scratch for long - it's very much not my natural forte. But while it's our first Christmas married and I have the time off I thought I might as well make a good first impression![/quote]
What's he doing to impress your family with his husbandey skills OP?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 14/12/2020 18:56

You buy yours he can buy his. Why have you taken on the job of buying for his family?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 14/12/2020 19:00

Sorry op just read your updates. Kind of you. I've finished my shopping my partners not started his so if his family get nothing that's on him, they should have taught him better.

LastChristmas20 · 14/12/2020 19:02

I spend my money on my family.

He spends his money on his.

Saves any stresses.

sunshineandshowers40 · 14/12/2020 19:07

I think it probably depends on your relationship with your in-laws and the size of your families. I use to buy for both sides but we now have children, my siblings have at least 2 children, that I just can't do it anymore. His side has less people so we do spend less on his side.

BackforGood · 14/12/2020 19:08

So was I, really @NoSquirrels. We've been the poorer family, and it isn't nice receiving far more than we spent.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread