To think ‘sorry’ isn’t the end of it

[MyCatsSaidNo]

Just after some opinions here. When DP has done something wrong he won’t have any issue saying sorry after an argument or before one and he thinks that once he has said sorry then that should be it.

But my view is that just because he has said sorry doesn’t mean he’s understood what the issue was and doesn’t let me voice how it affected me. I think that if he’s just saying sorry before he even knows how somethings hurt me, then surely he can’t actually be sorry!

Opinions please?

I think an insincere 'sorry' is worse than no apology at all.

But he doesn’t need to understand why something has hurt you to know it has hurt you and be sorry for that. Understanding doesn’t equal remorse, knowing you’ve hurt the person you love even if you don’t quite understand the whys and hows is when people usually apologise.

I hurt my daughter by laughing when she came through looking like she’d made herself into a clown with makeup. She was extremely hurt, I didn’t understand why me laughing made her burst into tears but I sure as hell apologised immediately and gave her a massive hug. I was genuinely sorry, I didn’t know she’d spent half an hour trying to do it properly and I didn’t need to know that to give a genuine apology either.

(Should add, I thought she’d purposefully done her make up that way! Hadn’t realised she hadn’t meant it to look so comical).

It could be either way. If he's likely to do it again, then he needs to understand. Some people are brought up to be vety insensitive, or sarcastic and need it explaining what they are doing wrong.

But if he doesn't agree, but knows that you need an apology, then there's no point in going on about it.

In other words, you'd need to give examples.

@JustLikeStitch

But he doesn’t need to understand why something has hurt you to know it has hurt you and be sorry for that. Understanding doesn’t equal remorse, knowing you’ve hurt the person you love even if you don’t quite understand the whys and hows is when people usually apologise.

I hurt my daughter by laughing when she came through looking like she’d made herself into a clown with makeup. She was extremely hurt, I didn’t understand why me laughing made her burst into tears but I sure as hell apologised immediately and gave her a massive hug. I was genuinely sorry, I didn’t know she’d spent half an hour trying to do it properly and I didn’t need to know that to give a genuine apology either.

Yes, but how can he learn from the mistake so as not to hurt the OP again if he apologises and then thinks that's the end of it, before an explanation of the hurt is given?

I think the sincerity of the apology is what matters. He may never understand ‘why’ what he said or did hurt you, but can still be sorry that it did.

I think YABU, what else would you like him to do/say? Have you told him how you feel? He can't change how you feel, only his response based on how his actions have affected you. How/when does a disagreement come to an end in your house? My husband is a little like you and it can be very, very draining and make me feel like an errant child sometimes. This does more damage to our relationship than a daft row. It's because he had a bad childhood though and takes everything super seriously as his parents used to. He is having therapy to make sure our children do not suffer in the same way.

It depends on the spirit in which the "sorry" is offered and whether he takes what he's done on board. If he just fires it out in a kneejerk way and expects you to move on in every case then its worse than no apology.

It depends on whether you feel you're being listened to or if he's just covering himself. Examples would be helpful.

I think he can be sorry he hurt you without understanding exactly why but it doesn't equal instant forgiveness and you should be able to discuss the issue further. Is that what's happening, he thinks 'sorry' fixes everything with no further discussion or opportunity for you to express your feelings?

It depends. I've had arguments with DH before where I've apologised and then he's still gone on about it, saying that my apology isn't enough. As far as I'm concerned, once I've understood why he was upset and apologised, then there's nothing more I can do short of discovering time travel and going back to change the past. So it's just prolonging the situation unnecessarily.

I figure that if someone's done something wrong, tell them what you need them to do to put it right. And make it something solid not vague.

Personally I get really annoyed at the whole "I'm upset and want to talk about how upset I am for a long time without giving you a chance to put it right or put it behind us"

I’m not saying this is your DP, but some people have the attitude that they do what they want, knowing it will hurt the other person, but thinking a “sorry” gets them off the hook. My ex did this a lot. He wasn’t sorry, otherwise he wouldn’t have done the things in the first place (or kept on doing them). Sorry was just an easy/convenient word and then if I didn’t let it go, I was the unreasonable one.

Sometimes you need to say "don't be sorry, just don't do it in the irst place"

A lot of people behave badly because they think that saying sorry cancels out their bad behaviour.

‘I’m sorry your latest shitty life decision has once again had such a crappy effect on me and my life. Very sorry.’

Depends if its a pattern or a one off I mean sorry I've slammed your fingers in the door carries more weight if your not doing it daily

My ex used to say “sorry” and think that was the end of it too. Never wanting to understand the issue or make any changes. He’s now like that with dd when he behaves badly (often).

It all comes from his mum who always has forgiven him instantly for anything.

@Ginfordinner

Sometimes you need to say "don't be sorry, just don't do it in the irst place"

A lot of people behave badly because they think that saying sorry cancels out their bad behaviour.

I always say ‘sorry means you won’t do it again’

I think belief means more than understanding. That is, when someone tells you something you've done has hurt them, it is important to believe them, whether or not you understand why. That is, you are not the arbiter of whether or not it is reasonable for them to be upset. If they are upset and you caused it, you should accept that at face value and apologise.

Certainly, if you want to avoid causing a similar problem again, in a different way, understanding how the hurt came about is useful.

But, 'sorry' is not a get out of jail free card. You can't be knowingly crap and then say sorry, as if that absolves you. A sincere sorry is very different from a flippant one.

Saying sorry is a start, but it's only the start. The damage has to be repaired and if you don't understand that damage, how do you repair it?

Too many people use "sorry" to absolve themselves and paint the wronged party as petty/ holding onto grudges etc. Making it worse for the person they have hurt. Apologies can actually become an abusive tactic.

YADNBU OP.

Yes that's true. Recompense is really important. Anyone who cared about having caused damage to someone else, would want put that damage right, or as near as possible.

I've certainly had someone apologise to me e.g. 'sorry about what I did earlier, that was rubbish of me' and I've thought or responded, 'Yes, I already know it was, I was there! What I want to know, is what are you going to do about it?'

Saying sorry should be the first step. Not doing the thing again that caused offence the second. Sometimes recompense as the third, depending on what was wrong to begin with.

Can you give an example op?

I mean is it a genuine sounding sorry aka I'm sorry you're upset, I don't feel the need to understand why, I'm just sorry I made you cry, or a sarcastic sorry aka shut the f up, I've said I'm sorry, that's it. I can do what I like so long as I say sorry

@MedusasBadHairDay

It depends. I've had arguments with DH before where I've apologised and then he's still gone on about it, saying that my apology isn't enough. As far as I'm concerned, once I've understood why he was upset and apologised, then there's nothing more I can do short of discovering time travel and going back to change the past. So it's just prolonging the situation unnecessarily.

I figure that if someone's done something wrong, tell them what you need them to do to put it right. And make it something solid not vague.

Personally I get really annoyed at the whole "I'm upset and want to talk about how upset I am for a long time without giving you a chance to put it right or put it behind us"

Totally agree. I don’t think it helps any relationship to go on and on about how someone has wronged you. There’s nothing worse than a sulker.

Depends on the outcome. Sorry should mean the person never does it again; ideally they also make some effort to make amends in some way.

If all you get is a glib "Sorry - now shut up about it," that won't do, will it, not if the person carries right on with the offending behaviour?

Does it work both ways? Can you trample all over his feelings, wishes and possessions and play Teflon woman with a careless, "Sorreeee!"

Try it and see.

How do you approach him when wanting an apology? He may not want to talk (or be talked at) while you're explaining how you are wronged. Try approaching him differently the next time and see if he reacts the same.