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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut ties with her..?

83 replies

ineedabreak1 · 14/12/2020 11:14

Hi all - please excuse me for how this is probably going to sound. I'm well aware it sounds completely childish and can't deny that. It's embarrassing!

So I have been friends with this particular girl for around 10 years now, alongside some other close friends. Known each other since our school days. She has always been a difficult person to get along with. When things are good they're great, and when things are bad it's awful. She gets verbally abusive, throws around accusations and nasty nasty words, and gets very personal to spite you.

Usually when she turns on me, I've done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I can hand on heart say that. She is invited to everything we do because she gets very cruel if she believes to be left out (even though she's got two children to take care of, under the age of 6) we are frankly scared to even consider doing something as a friendship group without her.
Recently she send me vile and extremely hurtful abusive messages because she believes that I've been ignoring her and deliberately leaving her out. This is not the case. I haven't left my home in over a week due to having to self isolate.

I cant even begin to explain the hurtful things she's done to both me and my friends in the time we have known her. Think along the lines of trying to seduce my friends husband, sending him naked photos and verbally abusing us constantly.

The other week, she completely smashed up her home whilst arguing with her on / off partner. She punched holes in the walls, the kids were in bed. It was 3.30am. She called me, and guess what. I went running over to see if she's okay. I tired and cleaned after her and settled the children down again whilst she went off trying to find her boyfriend that had left the home and driven away.

Fast forward to last week. Same kind of thing happened. She was in pieces after another argument with her partner. Absolutely hysterical and crying down the phone so guess who went round again to comfort her. I was there until 12 midnight feeding the kids dinner, bathing them and getting them into bed whilst she sobbed and screamed and tried to smash the house up again.

It's been a good few days now, I've not heard a word from her. Not a thank you (don't expect one) or anything. She has been in a group chat with my friends and I for years as we find it the easiest way to keep in touch. Last night at 1:40 she wrote a long message in the chat. It woke me up and so I opened the app, and noticed that she then immediately deleted it. Today she has been writing indirect statues on sucks media about friends that don't care, don't bother or are selfish and that she deserves better than that.

I wrote 'good morning happy Monday' in our group conversation this morning (there's 9 of us in this group and it's so much easier than individual messages) and she left the conversation.

It isn't necessarily this that upsets me. I think I saw it coming. She has always been hard work and I don't know why I put up with it like I do. It's draining me and If I'm honest I feel I only stick by her because I feel so utterly sorry for the children.

I know this sounds like high school drama with the whole 'social media' and group chat stuff, but it is the only way we can all keep in touch as we all lead very busy lives.

I guess I'm asking, what on earth do I do now.

OP posts:
Wellpark · 15/12/2020 15:09

You could ghost her but that risks her coming round to see what the problem is. Another option is to say that her behaviour is too much and you are stepping back from the friendship. Say you want to be civil but no longer friends. And stick to it. Good luck.

ineadabreak1 · 15/12/2020 15:13

@Wellpark yes I think if I ignore she will carry on. She's already sent me three separate '?'

FourDecades · 15/12/2020 15:21

Say sorry but busy with Christmas stuff and then distance yourself

FourDecades · 15/12/2020 15:22

Also OP, you haven't put in your correct name so your posts aren't highlighted

Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 15:23

@FourDecades thank you for the advice - and oops! Name changed now :) x

OP posts:
Snog · 15/12/2020 15:29

Yes say you are busy in the run up to Xmas. If she creates drama tell her your gp has advised you to reduce your own stress levels so you need to concentrate on your own well being for a while. This will start to create distance in your relationship as she will have to rely on someone else when she is in crisis mode.

Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 15:33

@Snog thank you. Good idea. She's already wanting to start an argument with saying things like 'you aren't there for me, nobody's been there these last weeks...'
I've text her on 4 separate occasions asking after her and seeing how she is, not once heard back.

Thank you. X

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 15:59

So I've text back and said

'Hi. Sorry for the delay in replying, it's been a bit hectic today. I'm not going to be able
To meet as I'm self isolating right up until Christmas'

How does this sound..? It's the truth so no fabrication there. X

OP posts:
Snog · 15/12/2020 16:02

Yes keep saying that you need to put your own health first for a while. If she asks for details or tries to challenge you on this just say you don't want to go into any details but lockdown is taking its toll on you and your GP has advised you to destress. She doesn't have the right to more information from you so keep any communication short and stick to your guns.

Want2beme · 15/12/2020 16:02

She's destroying your life. It'd be beyond most peoples capabilities to help her. Her family are aware of the situation, social services know about her, she has other friends. It's time for you to think of yourself now and move on from this relationship. As a PP has said, call the police if she harasses you, and don't get involved with her again.

Mind yourself and I hope things work out for you.

goldielockdown2 · 15/12/2020 16:31

I'm not understanding the difficulty in cutting contact with this woman. Is the truth more complex, like is she actually a family member?

Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 16:38

@goldielockdown2 no definitely not a family
member, thank god.
I'm
Finding it hard as it isn't within my nature to cut ties with peoples I am usually very fair, forgiving and too generous, she know this - I've given her chances to change and forgiven her time and time again.
I suppose I'm finding it hard because this time round (though for how long, nobody knows...) she hasn't directly kicked off AT ME. She's indirectly put statuses on Facebook etc, but nothing directly to me yet.
So although I know I want to do this, I am struggling with guilt.

OP posts:
Snog · 15/12/2020 16:39

From what the OP has said it's trickier to cut ties because

  • friend is one of 6 in tight friendship group so may be hard to sever friendship with only one of the group
  • OP is scared of what the friend might do if OP withdraws friendship
  • OP does not currently have strong personal assertiveness skills
Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 16:40

@Snog yes and what you said.

OP posts:
Snog · 15/12/2020 16:40

Why do you feel guilt OP?
That seems misplaced?

Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 16:44

@Snog because I just feel for the children. I feel guilty that they will not have me (I don't mean this in a big headed way) there when their mum does crazy things, like smashing up the house etc.. they won't have someone kind to tuck them into bed or feed them dinner.

I also feel some strange and misplaced guilt towards the 'friend' - it's hard to describe. I just feel like a bad person, I seem to be unable to cut her off no matter how hard I've tried in the past. I suppose I doubt my capabilities.

OP posts:
Snog · 15/12/2020 16:52

You have said though that she is abusive to you OP. It's not healthy for you to be in an abusive relationship.

Snog · 15/12/2020 16:53

It's also not your responsibility to "save" your friend or her children.

Snog · 15/12/2020 16:54

Maybe let her other friends worry about her for a while and see how you feel in a few weeks time.

bevm72yellow · 15/12/2020 16:56

Yes I agree with other poster. Social services need to be made aware of her behaviour again to get eyes and ears on those children's needs. all of the things you have mentioned are safeguarding needs.

HolyBuckets · 15/12/2020 17:08

Just bloody block her and report her to social services.

Those poor kids. As much as you sympathise with them they're not your responsibility, and it sounds as though she needs formal support.

You can't win here op.

NeonSparkle · 15/12/2020 17:12

Fuck me! Do you enjoy being a doormat? She treats you like shit because you’ve let her get away with it in the past. I couldn’t be doing with the drama frankly... she sounds unhinged and you sound like a wet flannel for putting up with her.

MellowBird85 · 15/12/2020 17:17

If you’re worried about being “unkind” or “not a good friend” let me tell you something now: you are enabling her. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but honestly, people like this rely on the good nature of others to continue perpetuating this behaviour. Without it, she is powerless. There’ll be nobody to turn to and she might just reflect on her own disgusting actions. She is a manipulator of the highest order. The kindest thing you can do is walk away (and, as PP’s said, contact SS again for those poor kids). Some people have to hit rock bottom before they finally make changes or access appropriate support. You are stronger than you think and you can do this Flowers

Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 17:53

Thanks all. Currently going through the guild tripping stage 😬😩

  • nobody's been there for me recently
  • do you know how hard it is knowing you're loosing friends
  • nobody cares about me or the kids

👀👀

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedabreak1 · 15/12/2020 17:53

Guilt**

OP posts:
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