To cut ties with her..?

[ineedabreak1]

Hi all - please excuse me for how this is probably going to sound. I'm well aware it sounds completely childish and can't deny that. It's embarrassing!

So I have been friends with this particular girl for around 10 years now, alongside some other close friends. Known each other since our school days. She has always been a difficult person to get along with. When things are good they're great, and when things are bad it's awful. She gets verbally abusive, throws around accusations and nasty nasty words, and gets very personal to spite you.

Usually when she turns on me, I've done absolutely NOTHING wrong. I can hand on heart say that. She is invited to everything we do because she gets very cruel if she believes to be left out (even though she's got two children to take care of, under the age of 6) we are frankly scared to even consider doing something as a friendship group without her.
Recently she send me vile and extremely hurtful abusive messages because she believes that I've been ignoring her and deliberately leaving her out. This is not the case. I haven't left my home in over a week due to having to self isolate.

I cant even begin to explain the hurtful things she's done to both me and my friends in the time we have known her. Think along the lines of trying to seduce my friends husband, sending him naked photos and verbally abusing us constantly.

The other week, she completely smashed up her home whilst arguing with her on / off partner. She punched holes in the walls, the kids were in bed. It was 3.30am. She called me, and guess what. I went running over to see if she's okay. I tired and cleaned after her and settled the children down again whilst she went off trying to find her boyfriend that had left the home and driven away.

Fast forward to last week. Same kind of thing happened. She was in pieces after another argument with her partner. Absolutely hysterical and crying down the phone so guess who went round again to comfort her. I was there until 12 midnight feeding the kids dinner, bathing them and getting them into bed whilst she sobbed and screamed and tried to smash the house up again.

It's been a good few days now, I've not heard a word from her. Not a thank you (don't expect one) or anything. She has been in a group chat with my friends and I for years as we find it the easiest way to keep in touch. Last night at 1:40 she wrote a long message in the chat. It woke me up and so I opened the app, and noticed that she then immediately deleted it. Today she has been writing indirect statues on sucks media about friends that don't care, don't bother or are selfish and that she deserves better than that.

I wrote 'good morning happy Monday' in our group conversation this morning (there's 9 of us in this group and it's so much easier than individual messages) and she left the conversation.

It isn't necessarily this that upsets me. I think I saw it coming. She has always been hard work and I don't know why I put up with it like I do. It's draining me and If I'm honest I feel I only stick by her because I feel so utterly sorry for the children.

I know this sounds like high school drama with the whole 'social media' and group chat stuff, but it is the only way we can all keep in touch as we all lead very busy lives.

I guess I'm asking, what on earth do I do now.

I agree with the others. It sounds like she has mental health issues and is also being abusive.

I would have thought, the more reports there ammunition. Report, block, police if necessary

Thanks all. I know one of the others in our social circle have reported very recently. X

Christ, tell her to fuck off and kick her out of your life. Absolutely no fucking way is there time for shit people like that in my life.

@Bitcherama honestly I wish I was this strong. I think she's just ground me down in so many ways over the years. She's got a complete hold over the group. She screams or shouts and we come running.
I will definitely be cutting her out. I'm hoping that I will be able to do it without conflict. I'm just scared of whats she's capable of doing.

If you are scared of her imagine how her kids feel, if this was a man everyone would be saying get the children out of there, you need to report this now. The kids need to be taken off her, cant believe so many are saying she needs help rather than getting the children out first.

You should report the recent events to SS yourself. The more direct reports they get the more they can do. I’d be concerned that you won’t do this though as you’ll think she’ll link it to you and you’re scared of repercussions. As pp said, if you’re scared, think what hell the kids’ lives are.

Please call social services, those poor kids don't deserve this stress.

Completely understand what you mean. I've reported twice a year or so ago, and my close friend has also reported two days ago so they are up to date with the most recent events.
I didn't even think of the repercussions of reporting to SS - more the repercussions of just ending the friendship..

As are you to date and aware. The kids are the entire groups main concern x

That should have read ' SS are up to date and aware'

I would

1. call Ss & make another report
2. let the rest of the friendship group know about her vile messages & tell them you are absolutely done. Not to include you in anything that she is involved in but that you sincerely hope that you can keep their friendship
3. he ready to call the police if necessary.

Good luck.

@CoraPirbright great advice. Thank you ❤️

What a nightmare
make no mistake she knows that she he is holding the children to ransom here, she can act out and fail to control her behaviour precisely because she knows that you feel bad about the suffering of her children and obligated to help her

SS might be updated and aware by your friends report but that's just their word against hers. You should also report because it's you who was there the last two times. Contact Women's Aid for advice even if its just recommend books to read or something because fact is you're in an abusive relationship with this woman, that it's not a romantic relationship is neither here nor there. If you can afford it get therapy to help you see this happening and avoid it in future. If others have had to get restraining orders against this woman in the past then seriously consider changing jobs and moving house, and not telling hardly anyone. If everyone else in your friendship group is caught up in the drama and won't walk away, consider if this friendship group is actually good for you. If she's as scary and bad behaviour as you say she is (and I'm thinking how people often minimize so maybe she's worse!) then I'd want to cut ALL ties with her. It sounds awful. You're choosing putting a strain on your relationship with your partner and being in constant angst yourself, just so you can choose to also remain in an abusive relationship with your so-called friend, who isn't really your friend she's someone you're scared of? That's messed up. Have you spoken to the rest of the friendship group about the possibility of collectively walking away from this person? That sounds nasty all dumping her but if she's behaving badly to them all it's justified. Or is it mainly you she's horrible too? I mean, if I met you and we got along, like new friends, and you told me this stuff, I'd hear alarm bells and distance myself from you because I wouldn't want any involvement at all with your angry friend.

@AmberItsACertainty very good points thanks so much. I'm going to be calling SS this afternoon.
She is awful. I'm not just saying that. My other close friend within the group has also said she's happy to walk away. I know it sounds mean of us but we can't take it anymore.

Sadly I've just recently moved house and began a new job so it isn't really possible to move again but I can see why it would be beneficial.

If I'm honest, yes I've downplayed this A LOT but if I added anything else, it's outing. X

I’m so glad you’re reporting, I used to pray someone would report my mother.

@Gilead sorry you had a tough time growing up 😞😢 xx

Not to sound horrible but I thought this was a wind up post. How on earth can you consider such a person to be your friend? Any of you in the group? She sounds like a bully and a complete freak and you are allowing her to walk all over you. Cut contact with her immediately for your own mental health and ring social services anonymously to report your concern for her kids. Honestly, I mean this kindly, stop being a doormat for this vile cow!

@Wellpark I can fully see how you would think that. If I was in the outside looking in I'd feel the same.
It's hard as I know what she's capable of. I'm scared if I'm honest. I know that sounds pathetic but I am.

She's an adult with adults strength and brain power having toddler style tantrums, who wouldn't be scared of that? Scared sounds normal to me. That's what I meant about your friendship group, if her behaviour and all your behaviour of pacifying her has become normal to you all and you don't see how not-normal it is. The most liberating thing I was ever told is that if someone is rude or disrespectful to me I don't have to put up with it on that occasion, I can call them out on it and if they don't stop I can walk away, and if they keep up the bad behaviour I can walk away permanently because I have the right to do that. Someone posted in another thread about a baby saying it's safety was the most important thing, relationships with people or jobs or homes can be replaced, baby's safety is the most important thing. I thought it was good advice and I think the same applies to you and your safety if this woman becomes a serious threat. But hopefully it will all be ok and you can get a normal life back without her in it.

@AmberItsACertainty you're right. Thank you.
Yes sadly this kind of manipulation has become the norm for both me and my friends now. It's horrendous.

I don't know what to do. I know this makes me sound weak and feeble. I know what I WANT to do. I don't want to be friends. I don't want the drama, the agro and the manipulative behaviour. But how do I go about this.
Do I straight up send a message and say I've been thinking, this isn't good for either of us ask I want out?
Do I begin to slowly distance myself from her?

How do I do this?! I'm so scared. 😢

I was reading your story and I could have written it word for word. I used to have a friend like that. For 15 years, I was scared of her reactions, her manias and her manipulation. SS were involved. The police were involved. It was horrendous.

I finally got away from her a couple of years ago but sometimes I still worry about going into her part of town on case I bump into her. I feel very sorry for her little girls but SS knew what was happening. I left it to the professionals and walked away

Hi all.
So
To update:

I have received a text from her today, asking to meet up, and complaining that she feels nobody cares or has made any kind of effort with her. Turns out my other friend has decided the exact same message. Word for word.

I don't know what to say or do now. I know I don't want this anymore and I want a better life for myself without the drama.
Any ideas?! 😬😩