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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH on call

49 replies

User583 · 14/12/2020 03:34

NC for this because I'm mortified.

DH is on call for his job about 95% of the time. This is usually fine, he gets a decent amount on top of his salary for it and it's rare (or used to be) that he gets called at any more awkward time than just before/after his normal working day.

Recently it's been a bit more intrusive. He's had to go home from a restaurant, got up at 3am etc but it brings home a lot of extra money so it is what it is.

I'll point out here that his job isn't life or death. He's not in the RNLI or an all-call paramedic.

Tonight after a lovely romantic day together we'd gone to bed early. Mid-intercourse his work phone rang and he immediately stopped to answer it. AIBU to be really pissed off with him? If he was in the shower or driving he wouldn't answer within 3 rings. When he takes an out of hours call he's got a 90 minute window to act on it anyway so I don't really see what difference letting it go to voicemail and calling the client back would have madeAngry

I got up and am now 'sleeping' on the couch but obviously am actually awake seething over it. He came to apologise (after he'd sorted the work issue) but I was too angry to engage with him.

OP posts:
Frannibananni · 14/12/2020 03:50

😄 I’m on call so I know the blind panic that a call at a very unexpected Time can cause. Bet he won’t take The call next time.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2020 05:00

Give the guy a break. As soon as that phone rang, the mood was killed for him. It's not personal.

custardbear · 14/12/2020 05:33

How stressful being on call all the time! When does he get to let his hair down, have a few drinks etc?
The phone killed the mood

Original poster
User583 · 14/12/2020 05:42

He has one full weekend a month off call, but as he can fix whatever the problem is from home and doesn't need to drive anywhere he can still have a couple of beers if he feels like it.

It's not so much that he took the call, it was more the basically throwing me aside to grab the phone and then remaining in the room on the call that pissed me off. I didn't expect us to carry on once it had rung but a couple of minutes to throw some pants on and go into another room wouldn't have hurt.

OP posts:
Dyrne · 14/12/2020 05:44

Fucking hell, imagine thinking it was appropriate to answer a work phone completely naked, fully erect? Absolutely not on; plus completely disrespectful to you.

It’s one thing the phone going off, killing the mood, and having him stop then get up and deal with the issue, but stopping right in the middle of sex and answering the phone then and there?

I would have a serious conversation with him about having appropriate boundaries and work/life balance.

Frannibananni · 14/12/2020 06:00

You don’t think when the phone rings, it’s a bit like being caught by your parents and desperately trying to cover up.😂 I’m sure it was just reflex, next time I’m sure he won’t bring phone into bedroom.

Ifailed · 14/12/2020 06:05

I spent several years on call & can sympathise with you both. It can be very stressful at times and certainly can be a mood-killer. In my field, the call could be for a very minor problem, & then I'd get angry at being disturbed needlessly as someone on site was already dealing with it, or it could be the start of a long night with conference calls every 30 mins with senior management.
I can only suggest you have a sit down and try and get him to raise the issue at work, especially sharing the load. Work/life balance is important, especially when it is intruding in your relationship as you describe.

Iamanangel · 14/12/2020 06:18

What did you think being "on call" meant? It doesn't matter whether it's life threatening or not, he's being paid extra to answer his phone anytime whilst on call. You like the extra money but don't like him doing the work.

Dyrne · 14/12/2020 06:26

@Iamanangel

What did you think being "on call" meant? It doesn't matter whether it's life threatening or not, he's being paid extra to answer his phone anytime whilst on call. You like the extra money but don't like him doing the work.
Bollocks. The OP has made clear she’s fine with the usual call-outs.

The DH has a 90 minute window to respond to a call.

She’s simply wanting her husband to not discard her like a fucking blow up doll when they’re being intimate and he’s found something better to do.

Timeforsinging81 · 14/12/2020 06:31

Cut him some slack. It's an automatic response to grab your phone when it rings on-call. I still get palpitations when I hear a certain ringtone and it's been years since I've done on-call.

CrotchBurn · 14/12/2020 06:32

It depends what his job is. If hes a detective inspector then that's hot and I would be fine with it. If he's on call as a financial advisor to Saudi royals thats annoying.

Skipsurvey · 14/12/2020 06:32

yes but would he have been able to carry on once the phone had interrupted the event?

JorisBonson · 14/12/2020 06:32

I barely sleep with fear when I'm on call. I sympathise with him (and you), your brain shuts down when you get the call and autopilot kicks in.

Original poster
User583 · 14/12/2020 06:33

@CrotchBurn It's a witheringly unsexy job I'm afraid Hmm

OP posts:
MrsDeadlock · 14/12/2020 06:35

On call is such a mental intrusion.

I think in future suggest that the phone is silenced whilst you're having sex. I can honestly understand why he answered it, and also why you feel discarded.

I think given the on call frequency (which is very high), you just need a discussion about boundaries.

If he doesn't need to respond so quickly, then he can silence it for a bit to give you both some space

Original poster
User583 · 14/12/2020 06:36

@Skipsurvey

yes but would he have been able to carry on once the phone had interrupted the event?
I wasn't expecting that, just one minute or so to take a breath, cover up (me), get up (him) and leave the room before answering the call would have been nice.
OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 14/12/2020 06:48

It probably caught him unawares, it’s like when the doorbell rings mid shag or the cat starts coughing up a hairball the size of a small horse. It kills the moment.

PoklingtonP · 14/12/2020 07:08

It sounds like he did it unthinkingly in a panic. It's quite a wrench to go from having sex to having your work brain suddenly activated. In the nicest possible way, I think you should get over it and maybe even try to see the funny side.

FortunesFave · 14/12/2020 07:20

"intercourse"

It's genuinely YEARS since I heard it called that!

FortunesFave · 14/12/2020 07:22

Anyway...I agree with Poklington too many people are gut wrenchingly serious about sex. It's sex! Not a bloody funeral. There's no need to act on ceremony about it!

OffredOfjune · 14/12/2020 07:26

She’s simply wanting her husband to not discard her like a fucking blow up doll when they’re being intimate and he’s found something better to do.

So dramatic 🙄

He's on call - cut him some slack. I'd have probably stopped to answer it too.

CuteOrangeElephant · 14/12/2020 07:30

Agree with PPs about the blind panic as soon as that phone rings. I'm only on call once every 12 weeks. Why is your husband permanently on call?

LadyCatStark · 14/12/2020 07:35

I think you’re making a massive big deal over this, it’s not like it was a video call! If you were posting that your DH was on the sofa ignoring you and refusing to accept your apology, he’s be called emotionally abusive.

Itgetsthehoseagain · 14/12/2020 07:35

Do you like the extra money? I's put up with it for that.

Skipsurvey · 14/12/2020 07:37

yabu

the extra money would be good surely?

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