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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH on call

49 replies

User583 · 14/12/2020 03:34

NC for this because I'm mortified.

DH is on call for his job about 95% of the time. This is usually fine, he gets a decent amount on top of his salary for it and it's rare (or used to be) that he gets called at any more awkward time than just before/after his normal working day.

Recently it's been a bit more intrusive. He's had to go home from a restaurant, got up at 3am etc but it brings home a lot of extra money so it is what it is.

I'll point out here that his job isn't life or death. He's not in the RNLI or an all-call paramedic.

Tonight after a lovely romantic day together we'd gone to bed early. Mid-intercourse his work phone rang and he immediately stopped to answer it. AIBU to be really pissed off with him? If he was in the shower or driving he wouldn't answer within 3 rings. When he takes an out of hours call he's got a 90 minute window to act on it anyway so I don't really see what difference letting it go to voicemail and calling the client back would have madeAngry

I got up and am now 'sleeping' on the couch but obviously am actually awake seething over it. He came to apologise (after he'd sorted the work issue) but I was too angry to engage with him.

OP posts:
Danni91 · 14/12/2020 07:40

Yeah i would have been miffed as well but i wouldn't be so angry I couldn't accept the apology.
I dont think so anyway, its hard to tell without being in the moment!

I dont think you should habour it hopefully you will feel a tad better this morning & I hope you went back to your own bed!

badacorn · 14/12/2020 07:46

This is what being on call is. You have to answer the phone. That’s what he gets paid for. Depends on the job but if he gets into the habit of not picking up he could get into trouble, lose the contract or whatever.

Sounds like he could have dealt with this in a more sensitive way but at least he realised and apologised to you.

Skipsurvey · 14/12/2020 07:47

it is not much fun for your DH though is it?

Original poster
User583 · 14/12/2020 07:57

Thanks all for your responses; just to note that he can often go months without a single call which is why he doesn't mind being on so often.

As for the money we obviously split all household expenses fairly and don't yet have DC so our personal money is our personal money; it's nice for him to have the extra but doesn't have a lot of impact on me day to day.

My apologies to some PPs for not accepting his apology about 8 minutes after this had happened. I was on the couch as the work call took place in our bedroom and then I'd fallen asleep there. I am now in bed.

OP posts:
nosswith · 14/12/2020 08:21

I am on call though only about 20% of the time. It's a risk of being called and no-one has minded if I have been in the bathroom at the time- only once ever called at a time I might have been DTD. The main restriction is that I cannot be away during this 20%, and some things such as theatre are impractical.

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 08:25

I’m with you OP. He should of let the phone ring and go to VM and you could of carried on... I doubt your DH did it purposely but definitely speak with him.

Regardless of money nobody wants to be tossed aside during sex!

Even doctors don’t answer the phone instantly so posters are exaggerating by far.

GenerallyCoping · 14/12/2020 08:25

Cut him some slack. I’m on call a lot and when the phone rings it is an automatic response to answer it regardless of what I’m doing. I would never silence it. It comes with the job and could be urgent. I don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t give me any pleasure but it is part of my job.

The one thing I need is my family and friends to support me in doing my job including my on call duties. It’s hard enough as it is without getting any further grief.

GenerallyCoping · 14/12/2020 08:27

And, once the phone rings it is a total mood killer so carrying on in the same way just doesn’t happen because all you can think about is the fact you have to call them back. You go into work mode.

Letsrunabath · 14/12/2020 08:38

My husband has spent half of his career on call (emergency services), it’s a commitment whatever job you do and you should be pleased he has good working ethics.
If you had posted saying he takes the pay and doesn’t do his job by answering the phone, I’m sure plenty of mns would be calling him a lazy unscrupulous partner.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 14/12/2020 08:45

I dont think he did anything wrong personally. If there is a potential emergency at work then I think its really hard for some people not to answer immediately. I dont think I would have been able to carry on if it was me.

And the 'covering up and leaving the room'...why? I assume it's a voice call and not a video call? What does it matter if either of you are naked? What does it matter if he takes the call in the same room as you? It's not like you were sleeping or concentrating on your own work or something, you were just in bed.

I think sleeping on the sofa and not accepting an apology is a massive over reaction. You were having sex you weren't at a wedding or a funeral. He didn't answer it and carry on! It also sounds like you have decided you arent being unreasonable anyway and anyone that thinks you are, is wrong.

myhobbyisouting · 14/12/2020 09:08

I don't know why he had to cover up and leave the room to answer the phone? Why?

Neron · 14/12/2020 09:22

If he goes long periods without it ringing, then it has suddenly become intrusive, I can see why he did answer it. YABU for sulking on the sofa, where you were so angry you couldn't bring yourself to talk to him, refusing to accept his apology.

ILoveYoga · 14/12/2020 10:11

If you’re happy to accept additional money to be on call, you need to be in call

He’s not unreasonable to answer the call. Do you really think he could continue and concentrate on you when he’s ignoring what he’s being paid to do?

Cut him some slack. He’s providing for YOU.

YOU will benefit from some of his hard work.

Could you not have continued on once he’d finished his call?

Original poster
User583 · 14/12/2020 10:32

Wow day-Mumsnet is far more snappy than night-Mumsnet (or you're just too busy to RTFT and barge in anyway).

To reiterate - again - I never expected him not to take the call at all, or for us to carry on, but a short window of perhaps a few seconds between being inside me and sitting next to me chatting to a client would be have been nice. What would you suggest had he been mid-shit instead of mid-shag when his phone rang?

Anyway point taken, I'm unreasonable. I'll be hiding the thread now. Have a nice day all.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 14/12/2020 10:38

I'd have laughed about it.

VeganVeal · 14/12/2020 10:43

Could he not have carried and just taken the call? Would probably have made him last longer as well

Snoringoutloud · 14/12/2020 10:55

My DP is regularly on call, similar circumstances in that his job isnt life threatening and the calls range in urgency from 4 hour to 12 hour responses (although he can recieve a 4 hour call out that requires 2 hours to drive to for example)
He wouldn't dream of answering a call mid sex, infact he rarely answers it on time at all, they leave a voicemail and he will call back as most of the time he's doing something else when the call comes in.
Phones never seem to ring when your sitting there available to answer in my opinion!
Hopefully he will see that it didn't require his immediate attention and wont happen again.

sbhydrogen · 14/12/2020 11:17

I'm on-call for a week every six weeks, and getting that phone call would totally and utterly interrupt my mood as soon as the phone rang. I have up to 15 minutes to acknowledge the alert, but no point letting that phone ring.

However, I totally understand why you were upset though! Probably best to talk to your DH so he doesn't piss you off again if it happens next time.

caringcarer · 14/12/2020 11:22

He needs to switch phone to answerphone when you are going to have sex, go into shower or similar. He can check phone after if he has a 90 minutes window.

Hunnihun2 · 14/12/2020 12:54

@ILoveYoga

If you’re happy to accept additional money to be on call, you need to be in call

He’s not unreasonable to answer the call. Do you really think he could continue and concentrate on you when he’s ignoring what he’s being paid to do?

Cut him some slack. He’s providing for YOU.

YOU will benefit from some of his hard work.

Could you not have continued on once he’d finished his call?

This comment is appalling. This is also why some SAHM get treated like shit.

It doesn’t really matter what the phone call was about unless someone was in a burning fire it could of waited a little bit longer

It doesn’t entitled anybody to disrespect someone just because they may be getting “provided” for.

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 14/12/2020 13:26

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable at all @User583 (if you've not hidden the thread, I can never follow through on those threats Grin)

I think it's universally accepted sex etiquette you don't just instantly stop what you're doing for an interruption like phones etc without at least an "oh for fucks sake" or "shit, sorry, hang on a minute". Just pulling out (trying not to be vulgar or uncouth here Wink) and answering your phone is fucking rude. I think it would make me feel a bit yuk and a bit, not used, as that's too strong a word, perhaps unimportant and disregarded and surely during sex is the last time you should feel like that?

emergencies like the smoke alarm and the cat jumping on the bed excepted)

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 14/12/2020 13:31

Fuck sake pressed post too soon! Also (trying again not to be vulgar or uncouth Wink) it kind of depends where you are up to surely? Just starting, not a problem "oh for fucks sake, hang on, sorry" answer phone, put it down and start again (if you have a good response time limit and don't have to run off to operate or something ofc)

Nearing the end - I think most people would like to hear from their partner "fuck the phone" (especially if you know you have a good response time limit) and keep going...Grin

Which sexual partner would you prefer? The one who pulls out immediately without a by your leave, or the one who makes you feel you're more important than the phone...

ClickandForget · 14/12/2020 13:44

I imagine it was a reflex action. My DH used to be on call although this specific situation never happened. If it had I would have understood his reflex action and accepted an apology without demur.

ItRubsTheLotionOnItsSkin · 14/12/2020 13:51

And actually (sorry I keep pressing post and I know I'm going on Blush) I think OP if you had posted saying this scenario was the behaviour of your new lover or someone you'd only shagged a couple of times eg he just picked up a call mid sex and totally ignored you - MN would be saying ditch him or at least get him told, he's rude and selfish.

Just because you're in a LTR doesn't mean you should set the sexual behaviour bar lower, and it should be high to start with, tbh.

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