Really struggling for gift for terminally ill father

[LastChristmas20]

Oh Mumsnet.

Please can you help me with gift inspiration?

My dad's always been hard to buy for. But this Christmas is hardest of all.

He's very unwell (MND) and this will most likely be his last Christmas.

He can no longer eat most foods. Cant read anymore as it's too hard on his eyes. Cant use electronics unless they're very basic and even then is losing those skills.

I had thought about Bluetooth headphones and an audible subscription. But he won't be able to manage the headphones and I imagine the subscription wouldn't get used.

(He's also understandably depressed so finds little joy in most things)

So far all he has from me is a new sweater, a Snapfish calendar and some toiletries.

Any ideas at all would be really welcome please.

One of the last presents we got my dad when he was ill was a digital photo frame that you could load photos onto with a USB stick. We put lots of nice family photos on so he had a slideshow of them going in his room.

A fabulous pic or two of people from his past. Is there a fb page for where he came from that you can join? They might have something posted that will really ring a bell.

My ff is 86 and I have joined the page for the village where he is from (he is on the other side of the world these days) and he loves being taken down memory lanes that others post.

You don't need headphones for an audible subscription, could he manage a simple Alexa type thing or a Bluetooth speaker. I usually just listen to Audible on my phone speaker or ipad speaker as I listen in bed. Unless it would annoy other people in the house...

I think the PPs suggestion of a digital photo frame is good.

I agree with the frame idea. Got one and loaded it up for father's day for my Dad who had advanced Parkinsons disease. He said it was one of the best things he had ever had. I managed to get scans of some old pictures to put on it too.

Don't buy or not buy presents based on how much use they'll get - it will make him feel like you can't be bothered or that you're treating him like he's already dead. And that is not a nice feeling.

Please please don't do that to him.

Buy nice things that you would have chosen if he wasn't dying. Not goodbye gifts or things that make you feel better about him dying or things exclusively focused on managing his illness.

It doesn't matter how much use he makes of an audible subscription. If it brings him a moment's pleasure it is worthwhile. If it makes him feel cared for it is worthwhile.

You don't need headphones for audible - a speaker, cheap fire tablet, fire stick, online or app on an existing device.

What are his interests?

Also, have you asked him what he would like instead of guessing or assuming?

I like the digital photo frame idea.

When my grandma was in a care home we put together a family history album of photos for her with photos back to her childhood to the modern day. It was a lovely talking point for when we visited and something nice for us to look back on now

You sound very thoughtful OP. Is he able to speak? If so, how about an Alexa device with a music or audible subscription?

One of my friends had MND, it's such a cruel disease. I

Thanks all.

@FleetwoodRaincoat no his speech isn't good anymore. Things like his Alexa and Siri can't understand him.

@user131426479642 yes of course I've asked him. I'm not incapable of such things. Just looking for a nice surprise.

All he wants is to die. So he just shrugs or says he doesn't know.

Buying him the nuts I normally do that he's now incapable of eating would be more of an insult than acknowledging the situation.

Tbh it sounds like he doesnt want nor need anything.
Being together with you would be paramount. Maybe you can sing him a heartfelt song. Ir recite a beautiful poem. Read him a story from his favorite book. Something from the heart. Not from the wallet. X

Can he see out of the window? I bought my dad a bird table snd food so he could attract wildlife to bring some of the outside in again, he loved the idea and got friendly with local squirrels and birds lol 😆

A moving digital frame is r cement and you can add pictures too when you visit

❤️ to you in these hard times

What about a photo of someone close to him printed on a cushion? Something he can feel and touch?

When my mam was gying I bought a photo blanket with photos of all the grandkids on. It was lovely.

@sushinelove

What about a photo of someone close to him printed on a cushion? Something he can feel and touch?

What a lovely idea

The last gifts I gave my dad were a birdbath and a beautiful footstool for Father’s Day in the June. He loved them both.
He was ill but we thought his illness was under control and he had years to go, he died 8 weeks later.
I still use the stool every day and the birdbath is in my garden.
I’m not saying buy things that you can have afterwards but (although it was unintentional) I’ve taken great comfort in having things he had enjoyed in my life.

The Audible suggestion is a great one. Presumably he has caring help who could get him set up with whatever he wants to listen to?

A planter of spring flowers or snowdrops? Cashmere bedsocks? I wouldn't get too hung up on buying gifts - what you have is plenty - and he won't want 'stuff' , only to see you. Maybe a book of poetry or anecdotes that you could read aloud to him? (Short stories are usually too long unless you are a very good reader.)

Well, when it was my mum dying, and facing her last Christmas in the knowledge her life was ending, people did forget to ask.

I didn't take a nasty tone with you, no need to take one with me.

And having been faced with a distraught, inconsolable, terrified mum who had just been given a bunch of shit thoughtless gifts that basically screamed "you're dying" I thought I would share my experience so your dad and your family wouldn't have to go through the same pain.

I don’t know how much you want to spend but DB and I have just bought this for DM
www.myhomehelper.co.uk/home/home.aspx
You can upload photos, messages, reminders, and also use to video call
DM loves it - all the family has access to it
DM doesn’t do social media but we can use this in same way eg DD sent her a photo of her Xmas tree and an appropriate message

It's awful isn't it, we are in the same situation. He has also always been difficult to buy for so we are really having to think hard about what would be useful and that he'd manage with.

We have gone for wireless headphones, books (he can still manage to hold and read at the moment) headphones for when he can't. Slipper socks as his feet so swollen he can't get slippers on and his feet are always cold. I'm not sure they will fit though due to how swollen but the thoughts there. Jumper (maybe a bit nice for sitting/lying about) something he wld have normally worn though before the illness.

@user131426479642

Also, have you asked him what he would like instead of guessing or assuming?

Why so nasty? This poor lady is struggling to buy her dad a last Christmas present.

We got a digital photo frame when MIL was terminally ill but I scanned all of her old photos onto it mixed in with newer ones and she loved it. She probably hadn’t seen some of the older photos in years and wasn’t going to leaf through all of the albums. She said it was the best thing she had.

Do you physically get to see him? How about a book, new or an old favourite, and set a weekly day/time to read it to him.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I don’t suppose there is an experience you could do together? I don’t know the details of his mobility but that might be nice for him