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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of DH's faraway job?

61 replies

AverageContents · 12/12/2020 20:29

DH works in London, but we live about two to two and a half hours drive North.

He is therefore either knackered or stays overnight.

It's more often than not over the weekends as well.

I work regular office hours locally. We have two DC.

DC and I haven't seen him since Thursday night. He'll be home later tonight, than will leave early tomorrow morning.

Sick of it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 20:50

DC are in Reception in school and love it.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/12/2020 20:53

I think he needs to be made aware that he doesn't dictate the whole of the family life. This is not a unilateral decision. It's working for him, especially since he can pull the long hours, long commute card, to avoid having to actually contribute to family life, outside of what he chooses to do. It's working for the kids. It's not working for you. You actually get a say. You can say, actually, I'm not agreeing to this anymore. I might stay here for the kids, but I'm divorcing you. Or you might say, I'm moving back to London, the kids'll cope, and we can discuss whether we have a future as a couple. . .

Wheresyourclapham · 12/12/2020 20:53

DP worked abroad during the week on contracts on & off for several years, but always came home on the weekend. It eventually came to a stop when our 1st DC was 2, as it obviously wasn’t in anyone’s best interests. I was also working FT. There’s no way that I’m going to struggle or feel like a single parent in a two-parent relationship. DP agreed. I would have ended the relationship if things did not change.

Odd that yr DH wanted to move out of London, doesn’t want things to change, but doesn’t want you to move back either! 🤔
I would be do some digging!

Wheresyourclapham · 12/12/2020 20:57

*doing some digging!

Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:00

It's ridiculous, but he leaves the room - the house, even - when I try to discuss it.

He won't leave his job. He won't move house.

I will leave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:02

I don't think he's having an affair, btw. He's too tired for anything remotely physical!

When he's at home, he's anyways messaging colleagues and clients, and I can see the messages. His phone is always beeping. He wouldn't have time for an affair.

OP posts:
Wheresyourclapham · 12/12/2020 21:02

Or don’t bother wasting your time trying to find out what else he may be up to.
Sounds like you’re done with him regardless. He sounds sounds selfish and it seems as though your relationship has run it’s course.

Wishing you a happier future. Good luck with whatever you choose to do 💐

Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:02

Always, not anyways

OP posts:
Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:03

Thanks wheresyourclapham. I think you're right.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/12/2020 21:07

He can't cope with the idea of change. I find that pathetic.

But he could cope with the change when you moved there in the first place. Weird.
I wouldn't be living like that, and would make me think he does it on purpose so he doesn't have to be with his family.

Wheresyourclapham · 12/12/2020 21:08

‘...He wouldn’t have time for an affair’

You think so?
I don’t want to add to your woes and get you thinking all sorts, but I’m sure many MN posters will be on this thread soon, sharing their experiences of partners they thought were too busy to cheat.

Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:09

The only reason he could cope with this change was because it was going back to his hometown.

He laments the fact that "it's all changed" though. I really can't be bothered with it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:10

It would be very easy for him to have an affair, as it's normal for him to be away. I don't think he is though, as he's certainly not making the most of his appearance, he's too tight to splash out on anything romantic, and he's too cantankerous!

OP posts:
Original poster
AverageContents · 12/12/2020 21:11

The stupid commute and Travelodge lifestyle is making him grumpy and disinterested.

OP posts:
exwhyzed · 12/12/2020 21:14

He's moved you nicely out of the way of his real life and performs his duty visits to keep you happy.

Presumably his other life is getting the other half of him the rest of the time.

poachedeggsandmushrooms · 12/12/2020 21:14

My DH stays away Tues-Fri and home for the weekends, for us this is much better as his previous job involved erratic and frequent travelling, at least now we are in a routine and all know what to expect. However you don't seem to like each other very much so I can't see how this can work for you anyway. When DH is home he is often exhausted because he has a stressful job and works very long hours, but we are all pleased to be in each other's company. I don't mean to sound harsh but it can't be much fun living with so much resentment and dissatisfaction.

BaublesToIt · 12/12/2020 21:16

So he’s not even on fantastic wage which makes it even vaguely worthwhile so you and your DC’s have a great lifestyle then? He leaves the house when you try to talk about it?

I’d be trying to find out what’s the big deal with this particular job that he won’t consider finding another one so he can at least spend time with his wife and see his children, and do his share in the householdHmm.

Totally reasonable to tell him not to bother coming home (and starting divorce proceedings) as he obviously doesn’t give much of a crap about his family.

Barmyfarmy · 12/12/2020 21:17

OP when you think about how long this will continue- he could be working for decades like this. Barely seeing you, not seeing your children grow up and not doing anything to support you that you can't do yourself. I'd suggest you make a plan, get your finances in orderm work out what you can afford and whether you need to down size, work more etc and wait it out until covid is a little more settled and the country is getting back on it's feet.

I'm so sorry you've been living like this. I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you. I hope you come out of this with a happier life for you and your children where you aren't bogged down by a self-centred man like your husband.
Do you have a support system of your own? Friends, family?

Flowers
Staysexyanddontgetmurdered · 12/12/2020 21:17

Following with interest. My husband is only home 1 week every 4. We have lived in this house for 4 years and he's never had any wardrobe or drawer space as he's never home long enough. I feel like a single parent to our children...they constantly talk about "our house" and "daddy's house", as they dont understand he actually lives here too.
I love him but I am desperately unhappy and lonely. Moving to be where he works isnt an option as its somewhere too dangerous. He loves his job, it's been his dream since he was a teenager, asking him to quit would make him desperately unhappy.

Ohtherewearethen · 12/12/2020 21:17

He's already opted out of family life by the sounds of it. His first thought when he came in wasn't to give you a kiss and ask about the kids but the utterly mundane 'has the dog been fed?' as though he's talking to the housekeeper. No sense of missing you and the children, no delight at being back home. He's over it and it sounds like you are too.
Can you manage on your own, financially? Can you and the children stay in the house and he stay in London/with his parents? I'd advise, in the event of you splitting up if that's what happens, to get a court-ordered plan of when he is to see the children as he will have to make it work and stick to it then. It's no good him expecting to pick the children up at 9 o'clock at night. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you luck.

Chailatte20 · 12/12/2020 21:19

Any option to work from home part or all of the week? You mention that he doesn't like change, have you considered that he might be autistic? It's not an excuse, it might explain why he behaves the way that he does. The hatred of change and rigid adherence to inflexible routines ring alarm bells here. I could be wrong and it could be something else.

If he doesn't change something, he'll be heading for burnout & a breakdown soon.

WinterSunglasses · 12/12/2020 21:21

@AverageContents

It's ridiculous, but he leaves the room - the house, even - when I try to discuss it.

He won't leave his job. He won't move house.

I will leave him.

Not the high minded way to deal with it, but after what you've said here, I would be inclined to tell him your decision and then leave the room yourself. Let him see what it's like.
2020iscancelled · 12/12/2020 21:23

I wonder if he’s burying his head in the sand and avoiding it all because he knows it’s not working but doesn’t have the mental capacity / ability to address it. If he’s permanently exhausted then he probably just wants to pretend it isn’t happening.

That’s no excuse though, just a perspective which whilst is very selfish may not be caused by intentional or malicious reasons.

In your situation I would ask for some time apart, some real time apart.
Like a few weeks in the new year or a month or whatever you feel is appropriate. You need to be clear - this is the first step of us spilling up, if you do not address the issue.
It’s going to take a massive amount of work from you both to save this relationship, that is if you think it’s worth saving and he gives some indication that he does too

TrainspottingWelsh · 12/12/2020 21:24

Pre covid dp worked away a lot, often out of the Uk. But forgetting the fact the dc were older, it was a joint decision, not an assumption on his behalf I was ok with it.

Moving to a city with a large airport might have reduced the travel time, as would moving to London for Uk based aspects, but that was my decision. He's always been aware I would never live in a city, and as I'm the one here most I got the final decision to stay rural rather than move to the outskirts of a town.

Your dp doesn't seem to think you deserve an equal input

MessAllOver · 12/12/2020 21:44

Just get rid. Change the locks. It won't even be that expensive for him to find alternative accommodation... he'll just have to book an extra couple of nights a week in the travelodge.

OP, what's your financial situation? How easy will it be to separate finances?