To feel a little hard done by?

[WynterRose]

So I recently turned 30 years old. And it was awful. Nothing special, I just felt very reflective and not in a good way.
I haven't achieved anything I wanted to. Growing up I wanted it all... get married, have a family etc. But things have turned out quite the opposite.

My twenties, I suffered from depression and health problems, I also developed quite a low self esteem from my lack of relationship success. I had a (what I thought was a good relationship) end when I was 26, because he didn't feel it anymore and afterwards he got together with somebody else and they are long term now. It took me years of heartbreak to get over because I thought he was 'it', I had thought my lack of relationship until that point, might have been a case of 'good things come to those who wait' kind of thing. And compared to friends, I had waited. During this heartbreak, I couldn't put my all in my work and I also didn't consider saving money, I was mainly concentrating just getting through each day. I spent all my wages month to month, until finally a few years ago, I started to realise, I had no future ahead. So I started saving as much as I could on my crap wage, whilst boarding in the family home with my parents.

Around this time, I also restarted having driving lessons. I had hoped to pass my test and get independent, whilst also saving for either a deposit or to rent, anything to get me out of the family home. I also tried a bit (well a fair bit) of online dating, which never worked out. It was either because, they were not for me, or I were not for them. Que further feeling rubbish. Despite all this, I felt confident that I had my plan in place, and hoped by the time I turned 30, i'd be in a better place.

Then covid happened. And I know its been terrible for everybody. I was made redundant from my job, which I had started to work up in. My driving tests were always cancelled, and yet since i've had a few tests which i've failed for silly reasons. So my plans of moving ahead in my job, moving out, passing my driving test and finally finding a relationship just haven't happened. I've also since had to take on a temporary job working at entry level, because I couldn't get back into the level I previously was at. (No jobs avaliable, or too much competition.)

And I just feel really down about it all. I know i'm not the only person in this position where covid has spoiled things. But my very few friends (another problem in itself) are settled down and moved out 4-5 years ago from their family homes, and I can't help but feel looked down upon, despite the fact they have never ever voiced that thats how they think. I just feel things have been easy in comparison to how its been for me, I just feel like i've always something bad to report rather than something good and they must think 'Poor Wynter, never has much luck' kind of thing. :(

I'm grateful to have a job atall right now, and I have my health, my family are ok. But everything else just feel like it sucks and i'm struggling to pull myself out of this mental black hole that i've failed in life and no matter how I try things don't appear to be getting better. :(

Spent my 30th feeling like I should be feeling the love, maybe with a new partner by my side and things looking up but it just didn't happen.

Just to add aswell, my new position isn't full time. I haven't been able to secure a new full time job, although my previous job was. So I am unable to save now. My plans are completely on hold now, I don't know when I will be able to resume saving. I've also had to dip into savings I saved hard for just for living. I'm gutted. :(

Why havent you moved out of the family home?

I'm sorry I know what it feels like to be down and it's especially hard at milestone birthdays.

But you're 30 years old, you did have a job, why didnt you move into a houseshare or studio or something when you first got your job?

Your post outlines a lot of things in which you put yourself in a victim situation. But one thing often leads to another.

Had you moved into a houseshare, you will have made acquaintances, possibly even friends, who may have introduced you to a guy. Life is a kind of chain reaction.

You say you thought good things come to those who wait. No, good things happen to people to take proactive control of their lives.

Find a new job, preferably at a higher starting point to your old one, move into a houseshare, and get your driving lessons going again in your spare time. By the time you're 31 you should be moving in a good direction.

@WynterRose
Just seen your update. Why are you obsessing over savings? Your priority now is not saving. Your priority should be moving out.

Milestone birthdays are hard when you haven't got to where you thought you would have by that point. However - you are only 30 - you're still young, and life can change incredibly quickly. Between 30 and 33 I doubled my salary, got married and got pregnant. Be positive, get out into the world (or as much as covid will allow) and see what you can make happen :)

Between 30 and 34 I got promoted twice, bought a house, got married, had a baby. Things can change quickly.
One of my best friends is 36, she split from her long term partner 4 years ago and after acting up into a promotion role for nearly a year and making huge improvements, it was given to somebody else who was a dick to work for.
She had to live with her ex for over a year while they sold the house as it kept falling through and they ended up taking a low price to get it done.
In the last two years she bought a small place of her own, changed jobs, got a promotion, meet a new partner , they complete on their shared house next week, she's pregnant and I know that he's planning to propose in the new year (she doesn't).

If you get sucked into a spiral of negativity your head status down and you don't see the opportunities and people that crop up around you.
Your focus needs to be a new full time job, then moving out, a house share may be a good idea as you will meet others.

I am sorry the last few years have been difficult for you. 30 is still very young though. What would you like to achieve in the next 30 years? Do you have interests and hobbies? Would you be interested in training for a different career? Covid restrictions will hopefully be a temporary thing. How do you get on with your family? Are you unhappy living with them because of strained relationships or do you just view it asa failure because you hoped to be independant by now? Focus on small steps you can take to improve your future and try not to compare yourself to other people but look at your own progress. I wouldn't necessarily prioritise moving out ( depending how things are) I would focus on building self confidence. You could easily have two thirds of your life ahead of you.

@GoldfishParade maybe because a house share isn’t for everyone. I would hate to live with other strangers, sharing bathrooms when you have no idea how they live, cleanliness, maybe bringing back other strangers, no thank you.

A house deposit is extremely difficult to save up for and it isn’t very easy to just get a job that pays more.

The OP only has a part time job, her priority is definitely not moving out.

OP, we’re you in a job in a sector you wish to continue, if not could you look at maybe getting some qualifications in something that you want to do while you have a little more time.

Do you have any interests that you could maybe meet up with clubs/groups with the same interest. I know Facebook has groups for pretty much every interest.

Try not to get too hung up on “the plan” ok
That one didn’t go the way it was supposed to. Ok try again, something else. You’re still very young, you still have a lot a head for you. Try being open and enjoy your life as you only get one. It may not be exactly as you saw it, but really whose is? Mine isn’t but I try and find the good in it. Good luck op

I'm inclined to agree with Goldfish.
Your post reads as if you have had an awful run of luck and is very "poor me", but you have made choices here for the 12 years you've been an adult. You chose to spend all your money each month. You chose to live in the family home. You chose not to start driving lessons earlier. After your relationship ended, you chose to feel sorry for yourself and not get out and start living - hobbies, volunteering, whatever is fun for you, but crucially where you meet lots of people with similar interests and attitudes, and then meet their friends etc etc.
Yes, it is unfortunate that you have been made redundant now. I have sympathy for that, and for not being able to get the job that you want. A lot of people are in the same boat. But it is your repsonse to it that makes you what you are.

I agree - flat share is a good idea even if it’s with people you don’t know. Victim mentality is self perpetuating - get out there - you are still young you will be fine and can still have it all. Most of my mates didn’t meet the one until their 30s.

Thanks for your responses, yeah saying 'Move out' is not really helpful. I'm on a very low wage and hours at the moment and am earning just a third of what I used to. I get on well with my family, I wouldn't want to be in a house share, which is why I still do live at home.

The reason I didn't move out sooner, as I stated before, I went through a bad period of depression of my relationship, my priority then was just getting through each day and keeping my job, not moving out.

I think its easy for you to feel the way you do OP but don't lose hope. When I was 25/6 my friends owned houses and had been in long term relationships. I had just retrained and was temporarily working as a carer (really awful shifts) was OLD and living with my parents. I was definitely depressed. In 4/5 yrs I met my dp, had a baby, bought a house, have another baby on the way snd have my dream job (my mum says it was like a tortoise and hare race). I am not saying the above was easy or it happens for everyone but I would say don't give up hope at 30yrs young!

You work part time so get another job part time or volunteer. Get out and meet people that way. I know my settled down friends wanted me as a cinema trip friend but never seemed to want to meet up in situations where I might be able to meet others! Keep OLD- i went on only a couple of dates and more chatted to people on there until I clicked with dp. I was on there for a good year if not longer.

Look into hobbies and online groups or groups that meet up. Don't worry too much about saving. That was a lot easier for me when I was in a better job and had a joint income with dp.

Anyway all of this might be useless but please don't get too fed up. I know the feeling well and whilst making changes might help you could also speak to your GP as well as it sounds like a difficult few years. Keep going OP.

Milestone birthdays are difficult, especially if you feel you're not where you want to be in life. Let yourself have a little wallow then use your self reflection to plan how you can achieve the things you want.

I felt really unhappy at turning 30 for no real reason other than I felt under pressure to move on to the next thing and to grow up. In reality, nothing had changed from the previous day. This is one chapter of your life, there is so much yet to come and what you've done (or not done) thus far does not define you for the rest of your life.

I'm turning 40 next year and actaully feeling pretty good about it!

I met my DP a couple of months after my 30th now been together nearly 3 years. My 20s were very unlucky in love, apart from a 2 year relationship which ended like yours did.

Sorry, just to add - this has been a tough year all round and you've had some bad luck with your job. There is nothing wrong with just surviving sometimes until better days come.

OP I wouldn't worry about the people saying to move out, obviously that's not easy with a low income.

Plans have less chance of success if the foundation isn't secure. Rather than aiming for a relationship, aim to be self aware, self confident and emotionally secure - then relationships can build more productively when they come. Careers or work is more meaningful and rewarding if it inspires you, motivates you and you are passionate about it - learn what motivates you and what you are passionate about then it is "easier" to be productive, engaged and satisfied in work (if you want to work). Learn who you are, generate security in self - things might feel easier when / if there are setbacks - success (whatever you determine your success to be) is easier recognised and feels rewarding.

Turning 30 seems a big deal but it is so so young. You have plenty of time. But you know, life doesn't always go to plan. Mine sure as hell hasn't and I'm older than you. All you can do is make the most of things. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and angry/bitter, but don't let it become your constant mode of operation. Life can really suck. For now, do some cool online classes and when covid buggers off you can do some fun stuff to make your life feel more interesting.

I think it is easy for those who have "made it" to maybe realise it doesnt happen the same for everyone .Low wages and jobs with few prospects are a reality for a lot of people sadly .OP has had a run of rough luck ,and people asking her why she hasnt "moved out"are missing the point .Her long term RL broke up, and she has had to move back in with her DP.This would knock most peoples confidence and trigger depression! Try to take each day as it comes and dont put a "Tick List" as an exam ! You have not "failed" just not had the breaks! Your friends love you for who you are .I didnt pass my Driving test until I was nearly 33 so you still have lots of time .Jobs for everyone are hard to come by ATM and there is a lot of competition so dont feel too bad about it!

Lots of people have some dreams when younger, to maybe get a good job,have a nice relationship with someone, and then settle into a nice lifestyle. but often it does not happen , and things can get people down, especially if they have a woe is me attitude about everything. You should try a different mindset, and stop thinking about how down you feel, and just have some hope that things will get better if you can look at life differently.

I met my DH when I was 31, married when i
Was 34 and had DS1 when I was 36 and DS2 when I was 39. Don't lose hope OP. X

I don’t know how to say this without it seeming harsh but you have your health, a secure family home to live in and a job: much of what you are deeply unhappy about, such as crappy online dating and job instability is very much part of what many people experience and isn’t enough to make them feel like failures that others are looking down on.

I think you seem to lack resilience and keep comparing your lot to what others have as a way of judging your own success, which isn’t healthy. Given that you’ve had depression, this might be something to talk about with someone professionally.

At 30 I had no parents, was made redundant three times, had started with symptoms of a serious health condition and discovered an affair the day after looking at engagement rings with a man I’d just bought a house with. I still don’t compare all that to my friends, who definitely had it easier, and feel sorry for myself. If I’m honest, I really don’t think you’ve endured anything spectacularly difficult while turning 30 - I think your experiences of depression are making you feel like you’ve got it really tough and you keep comparing yourself to other people. As another poster mentioned, much of your life is based on your choices / decisions, not terrible luck befalling you.

Prepared to get flamed for this but if you post in AIBU you have to expect to be told if you are!

It is OK to feel down, milestone birthdays are crap. However maybe you should give yourself a kick and decide you are going to try harder on all fronts-covid panic will be over soon so no excuse for not getting a full time job. Move out of your parents house once you got a job. Preferring to live with parents vs house share in you 30s is strange and slightly embarrassing. Work on your self esteem. Once you feel better about yourself men will come. Nobody find attractive people who are constantly feeling sorry for themselves

I think you're getting a bit of a tough time with responses here @WynterRose. It's really poo when it feels like nothing in your life has gone the way you want. And 30 feels like such a significant age where you feel you should "have it together" and I wonder in part if that's a biological clock thing too. But you are still young and there is time to make your life more how you want it. This year's been crappy in so many ways and the loneliness of it all definitely doesn't help. Keep looking for a full time job or another part time role you can match with your current one. Volunteering is definitely something to consider, and also maybe some further education or retraining. There's no award given for living in a flat share rather than at home so if it is works for you to stay there for a now then do so. You can get your test passed, don't let a couple of failed tests make you give up. Driving will open avenues for you work wise too.

Hi OP

You remind me of a friend, obviously it's hard to tell from a post what you're like but she is clever, had an amazing high paid job and has a relationship but it was a bit exhausting being around her as she always focused on the negatives and compared herself to other people...

She was upset that other friends had bought houses before her. We live in cheap areas, but because she had a city job she lived in central london

She hated her job because of the hours. It was intense. She had chosen it. And could never leave because she didnt want the resultant drop in salary.

She was with a bf who wasnt keen to get married early etc and was always saying she felt bad when people got engaged and got pregnant etc. It was hard to listen to because he obviously loved her and it was her choices around her all consuming job etc that were causing issues

She never acknowledged that I have quite bad health issues and couldnt do many of the things she did even if I wanted.

Basically she focused on the negatives so much that it started affecting other areas of her life. She got a bit better after CBT.

This is a really convoluted way of saying yea shit has happened but it actually happens to everyone. Pretty much anyone will have shit going on that you dont know about, health, relationship, money, family.

Yea you need some luck but you also need to learn to look on the positive side (yes it is a skill and yes you do need to learn it), you have family who you actually like to love with, that's amazing there are so few people who like living with their family when they are 30. You've managed to get out of a relationship that wadnt working before you had kids which I know isnt easy to see now but everything is a million times more complicated and painful when you have kids.

I think you will be good and I wish you all the luck