So I recently turned 30 years old. And it was awful. Nothing special, I just felt very reflective and not in a good way.
I haven't achieved anything I wanted to. Growing up I wanted it all... get married, have a family etc. But things have turned out quite the opposite.
My twenties, I suffered from depression and health problems, I also developed quite a low self esteem from my lack of relationship success. I had a (what I thought was a good relationship) end when I was 26, because he didn't feel it anymore and afterwards he got together with somebody else and they are long term now. It took me years of heartbreak to get over because I thought he was 'it', I had thought my lack of relationship until that point, might have been a case of 'good things come to those who wait' kind of thing. And compared to friends, I had waited. During this heartbreak, I couldn't put my all in my work and I also didn't consider saving money, I was mainly concentrating just getting through each day. I spent all my wages month to month, until finally a few years ago, I started to realise, I had no future ahead. So I started saving as much as I could on my crap wage, whilst boarding in the family home with my parents.
Around this time, I also restarted having driving lessons. I had hoped to pass my test and get independent, whilst also saving for either a deposit or to rent, anything to get me out of the family home. I also tried a bit (well a fair bit) of online dating, which never worked out. It was either because, they were not for me, or I were not for them. Que further feeling rubbish. Despite all this, I felt confident that I had my plan in place, and hoped by the time I turned 30, i'd be in a better place.
Then covid happened. And I know its been terrible for everybody. I was made redundant from my job, which I had started to work up in. My driving tests were always cancelled, and yet since i've had a few tests which i've failed for silly reasons. So my plans of moving ahead in my job, moving out, passing my driving test and finally finding a relationship just haven't happened. I've also since had to take on a temporary job working at entry level, because I couldn't get back into the level I previously was at. (No jobs avaliable, or too much competition.)
And I just feel really down about it all. I know i'm not the only person in this position where covid has spoiled things. But my very few friends (another problem in itself) are settled down and moved out 4-5 years ago from their family homes, and I can't help but feel looked down upon, despite the fact they have never ever voiced that thats how they think. I just feel things have been easy in comparison to how its been for me, I just feel like i've always something bad to report rather than something good and they must think 'Poor Wynter, never has much luck' kind of thing. :(
I'm grateful to have a job atall right now, and I have my health, my family are ok. But everything else just feel like it sucks and i'm struggling to pull myself out of this mental black hole that i've failed in life and no matter how I try things don't appear to be getting better. :(
Spent my 30th feeling like I should be feeling the love, maybe with a new partner by my side and things looking up but it just didn't happen.