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Original poster

To feel sad at MIL's favouritism

44 replies

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 14:10

During the pandemic DH, I and the kids have been following every rule, being extremely careful and yes, even going to the extent of washing our shopping. Careful to a paranoia level almost.
MIL has been careful too but only to the point of obeying rules.

SIL, her DH and their two Kids (22 and 17) however have been completely lax about it all, not really bothered. That's fine, it's up to them and doesn't affect us none. A couple of months ago the 22 year old and her BF caught Covid with awful symptoms. They did their time inside (mostly) but none of the family were tested in case they had caught it during the 2 weeks. Again, that's fine, asymptomatic testing is unavailable there. However, my issue is that ILs went up to stay for a few days the day the isolation finished.

Now our DD2 has it with no symptoms at all. She had an asymptomatic test because of possible exposure. We have her isolated from the whole household. Masks worn as often as possible, windows always open and the house is cleaned as often and as thoroughly as a Covid ward!

DH, DD1, DS1 and I have all tested negative so far (they are running trial asymptomatic testing in our area) and when the isolation time is over, we hope to test again. MIL is refusing to allow us to even drop presents or a card off to them after isolation (and after a second all clear - fingers crossed). She has cancelled any plans with us completely until 2021 saying, "it's just too short a time after!" Or "We just can't take the risk"

DH is feeling a little hurt. ILs were fine to go to stay for a few days in a home 14 days after a positive test in a house that don't even wash their hands after having a shit never mind during Covid times, but won't even see us after hopefully, two negative tests and possible 3 weeks after a positive test.

Is it just me thinking that Covid has nothing to do with this really?

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 14:12

Come to think of it, the possible three weeks will be more like four weeks.

OP posts:
hansgrueber · 12/12/2020 14:13

No presents to drop off? Think of the saving.

MummaBear4321 · 12/12/2020 14:18

If this was my MIL I would feel bad for DH, but I would think 'is this really a bad thing'? No fussing around with travel and presents, just being around the people you love and who appreciate you, no pretence. She may have a favourite, my MIL very clearly and openly favourites my SIL and DHs nephew over my two DDs, to the point that people say to her 'do you not have more than one grandchild' because everything us about DHs nephew, but why get stressed about it? Let her at it. You focus on you, not her

HyacynthBucket · 12/12/2020 14:52

MummaBear4321
How do you cope with such naked favouritism from your Mil? Its such a stupid thing to do as it is bound to create ill feeling between your DH and his sibling. Just wondered how you deal with it.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 14:55

Has your DH not said anything? Honestly I think he needs to say something along the lines of "I'm confused why you won't see us a week after quarantine ends and with a negative but you stayed with Mandy for a few days on the day their quarantine was done"

cptartapp · 12/12/2020 14:57

No I get you. SIL is the favourite here, by a long shot. Giving £10k for her to get on the housing ladder and paying for all her wedding, but nothing at all for DH confirmed it for me. It then extended to GC. Many many instances over the years they don't realise I've noticed.
You're on a hiding to nothing. Just step back.

Original poster
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 16:07

@cptartapp it's the same with us.
MIL visits them and SIL suddenly has £600 worth of new flooring. Or DN has the deposit for a new Audi at 17 despite only being in a job for two months. Or mIL visits coincides with them buying a £450 mongrel. Sorry... 'designer breed'.
Yet they don't work (not judging, I don't care. But the finances don't make sense)

DH works hard but we live paycheque to paycheque and have been borrowing a car since ours died in August.

I'd be glad if the not travelling dropping presents off if we didn't live on the next street. SIL lives over an hour and a half away and MIL sees her more. FIL has no say in anything so none of this has anything to do with him or what he thinks really. Nice man but has no opinion on anything. I mean, MIL is nice too. We get on okay as I make the effort but... well..... this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 16:11

@SleepingStandingUp

Has your DH not said anything? Honestly I think he needs to say something along the lines of "I'm confused why you won't see us a week after quarantine ends and with a negative but you stayed with Mandy for a few days on the day their quarantine was done"

He did but was met with the over dramatics of, "Oh no no no! It's too soon! You can't trust them tests you know! Chicken pox is 10 days before you get it! Ten days! We don't know enough about this thing!"
The SIL thing was ignored.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 16:32

And he didn't reply "bit you went to Mandy's on day 10!"

I guess ultimately you have to take his lead. Is he fighting for attention, or just calmly backing off? If the former I might be tempted towards a comment or two myself

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 16:43

DH works hard but we live paycheque to paycheque and have been borrowing a car since ours died in August.

Then you now know exactly how to save on some present money this Christmas, don't you?!

Seriously - step right back. Don't buy presents. They've already said not to drop them off. Do they expect you'll post them? If so, don't. Then when they finally realise they haven't got them, you can be delightfully vague. 'Oh. That was a while ago. I'm sure we did buy them! We hardly see you, you see. I'll get back to you on that.'

Honestly the best thing to do with people like this is DO NOTHING SPEND NOTHING THINK NOTHING... then you don't end up feeling as if you've been scammed when you give give give and get nothing back. At least you can shrug and say 'Nah, we didn't bother. Coz you don't either, do you?'

Original poster
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/12/2020 16:44

Sadly DH is a sweetheart who doesn't like to cause a fuss. A great type of bloke to be married to but it does mean that I get frustrated because I'm a bit more of a gobshite myself who hates unfairness and injustice. But hey, she's not my mum. I just think it's a shame.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 16:49

Well less people you have to spread your time and efforts over... My ils got the same effort invested as they did with us...

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 17:20

Oh no fuss.

You just don't do... anything.

'You said not to come up'

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 17:29

In Laws are happy to let you have a Xmas just the three of you, at home! No need to drive, watch whatever you wish, eat what you like, sleeping your own bed!
It sounds lovely Smile

SleepingStandingUp · 12/12/2020 18:03

@Mintjulia

In Laws are happy to let you have a Xmas just the three of you, at home! No need to drive, watch whatever you wish, eat what you like, sleeping your own bed! It sounds lovely Smile
Yeah who cares if you're DH is hurt AGAIN or if the kids are upset
cptartapp · 12/12/2020 18:34

She's not 'nice'. She wouldn't favour one child over the over if she was. Its hurtful. I'd make zero effort whatsoever.

billy1966 · 12/12/2020 19:32

@cptartapp

She's not 'nice'. She wouldn't favour one child over the over if she was. Its hurtful. I'd make zero effort whatsoever.
This.
FlyNow · 12/12/2020 20:01

I think you have to take your DHs lead. I'm also the least liked child of my parents, but I don't worry about it and certainly there's no point confronting them about it - you can't make someone like you. I return the same level of relationship.

MummaBear4321 · 12/12/2020 20:09

@HyacynthBucket DH used to have a good relationship with his sister but it has gone a bit sour now. She fully takes advantage of the favouritism which doesnt go down well. We moved further away, about a 40 min drive, as my MIL is very overbearing and DH wanted to keep his distance. It was expected that she would favourite my SIL as she lives 5 mins from my MIL, and my MIL has always held anger towards us for 'moving away'. However, it's my kids I feel bad for. Its obvious DHs nephew is the favourite. She calls him "her boy" and always says how amazing and clever he is. There are lots of comments about how advanced he is compared to my DD as there are 4 months between them. I worry about the effect my MILs comments and actions may have on my DDs in the future.

MrsClatterbuck · 12/12/2020 22:11

Well someday the chickens will come home to roost for these women who play favourite. When they start needing care when elderly. I expect you Sil will suddenly be too busy and she lives too far away to do anything. You need to stand your ground just because you live nearby. I have seen too many situations where when parents need that extra help it's the ones who have been treated badly who are expected to step up to the plate and the favoured ones continue with their nice lives going on holidays and even refusing to visit except when looking for money. I could be wrong but from your op it appears that it's the mil who does the lions share of visiting her daughter. Does she reciprocate?

Original poster
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 13/12/2020 02:07

Yes it's MIL who goes to stay with SIL. SIL doesn't visit here. And yes, the elderly care will most certainly fall to me. Not even DH, me. (It's the boobies I think. They rank you higher than blood relatives when it comes to caring for in-laws.) I already do a fair bit by choice.

I must stress, they're not bad people. The kids will get gifts. It's just us being banned from coming anywhere near feels like an insult. No one has Covid by now, no one will have Covid later. I just feel.... too easily dropped I suppose.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 13/12/2020 02:21

Sounds you like to don't actually want to see her - you just don't like her preferring to see someone else.

katy1213 · 13/12/2020 02:22

Like you don't want to see her, sorry.

TeaAndHobnob · 13/12/2020 02:26

And yes, the elderly care will most certainly fall to me. Not even DH, me. (It's the boobies I think. They rank you higher than blood relatives when it comes to caring for in-laws.) I already do a fair bit by choice

Really? Why? They're not your mum and dad. I get that family is family, but when the shit hits the fan (and it will, in time) the favouritism will really rankle. By then you as carer will be firmly established and you will find that stepping back becomes an almost impossible thing to do. Don't be passive.

I see it in my own IL's family - my sis in law doing a huge amount of the caring to her own detriment. There's no thanks or appreciation. Don't let that be you.

SilverBirchWithout · 13/12/2020 02:57

It does sound awful.

Was SIL’s family COVID-19 infection a while ago? Could MIL’s attitude to the virus changed since then. I know a few people who have changed their behaviours over the past few months, particularly around people isolating with the virus. Could she have regretted going to SIL after the event?
Just wondering, although I too had years of watching MIL favouring her DD over DH. As you became older things changed though as she realised we did more for her.

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