To feel sad at MIL's favouritism

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

During the pandemic DH, I and the kids have been following every rule, being extremely careful and yes, even going to the extent of washing our shopping. Careful to a paranoia level almost.
MIL has been careful too but only to the point of obeying rules.

SIL, her DH and their two Kids (22 and 17) however have been completely lax about it all, not really bothered. That's fine, it's up to them and doesn't affect us none. A couple of months ago the 22 year old and her BF caught Covid with awful symptoms. They did their time inside (mostly) but none of the family were tested in case they had caught it during the 2 weeks. Again, that's fine, asymptomatic testing is unavailable there. However, my issue is that ILs went up to stay for a few days the day the isolation finished.

Now our DD2 has it with no symptoms at all. She had an asymptomatic test because of possible exposure. We have her isolated from the whole household. Masks worn as often as possible, windows always open and the house is cleaned as often and as thoroughly as a Covid ward!

DH, DD1, DS1 and I have all tested negative so far (they are running trial asymptomatic testing in our area) and when the isolation time is over, we hope to test again. MIL is refusing to allow us to even drop presents or a card off to them after isolation (and after a second all clear - fingers crossed). She has cancelled any plans with us completely until 2021 saying, "it's just too short a time after!" Or "We just can't take the risk"

DH is feeling a little hurt. ILs were fine to go to stay for a few days in a home 14 days after a positive test in a house that don't even wash their hands after having a shit never mind during Covid times, but won't even see us after hopefully, two negative tests and possible 3 weeks after a positive test.

Is it just me thinking that Covid has nothing to do with this really?

@katy1213

Sounds you like to don't actually want to see her - you just don't like her preferring to see someone else.

Can I ask how you came to that conclusion? The whole reason for this post is not wanting to be banned from seeing them (that means we WANT to see them! I thought that is obvious, ya know, being what I wrote in my post and all) We have bought them gifts that we spent a lot of time thinking about and planning and DH is upset that the reason they've given for not having us come near makes no sense. It magically didn't apply to his sister, just us. Not to mention that his sister is not only not following Covid guidelines, she's also in a high risk, locked down area. MIL is in our own area one street away. It's level 1. Low risk.

@SilverBirchWithout no, it was just over a month ago. She's also heading there next week.

@TeaAndHobnob

And yes, the elderly care will most certainly fall to me. Not even DH, me. (It's the boobies I think. They rank you higher than blood relatives when it comes to caring for in-laws.) I already do a fair bit by choice

Really? Why? They're not your mum and dad. I get that family is family, but when the shit hits the fan (and it will, in time) the favouritism will really rankle. By then you as carer will be firmly established and you will find that stepping back becomes an almost impossible thing to do. Don't be passive.

I see it in my own IL's family - my sis in law doing a huge amount of the caring to her own detriment. There's no thanks or appreciation. Don't let that be you.

I see your point. I do like MIL even if she is, "Set in her ways" (in other words difficult, old fashioned and yeah, even a bit cantankerous) and I do volunteer DH for as much of the caring stuff as possible. Like if DH is off shift I'll tell MIL, "DH will take you shopping tomorrow" and she'll ask me why it's not me and that she "doesn't want to trouble DH..." and I breezily tell her not to be silly, he's her son. He's happy to (and he is)

I'm reluctant to set myself up as an old age carer so tend to do stuff I want to, not stuff I'm expected to and DH isn't.

Fuck 'em.

Similar position. SIL is favoured and DH pretends not to mind but he does. SIL also makes a meal of it to rub it in, because, frankly she’s a spoilt, selfish cow.

At first I made a lot of effort with MIL. It’s lessened over the years as it’s a lot of hard work for not much reward.

Just this morning I realised I’m not going to bother at all in the future. No visits, no thoughtful gifts, no batch cooking meals during illness, no cards etc. He can have as much or as little contact with them as he wants, but I’m not wasting a single second of the rest of my life on that mess.

I’ve just no time to play nonsense games.

These threads always start with an scenario and then end up talking about money. Basically you feel annoyed they give their daughter money and not you guys.

Ok. Honestly... who cares about Christmas in this scenario?

The likelihood is that your dh has been shunted aside and really, deeply wounded by some truly damaging parenting. That he's not angry about this incident and won't push her on the obvious double standard - that's worrying. Maybe he's moved on and just accepts that his mother has proven for years that she does not love him as much. But I doubt it.

You should ignore MIL and focus on how to help your dh start to recover from her (and FIL's?) shocking decisions.

@EnPoinsietta I could have written your post. I find it hard to know what to say to DH when his mum and sis do something rubbish without thinking of him, other than 'I am sorry. Its shit'. He always says he 'isnt surprised' amd fobs it off but its horrible, especially as my family are quite conscious of each others feelings. I feel like blinking my SIL and MIL would make it worse for him.

Blanking, not blinking 🙄

You could just ignore her and take things at least 3 days before Christmas, just turn up with things bagged up and say they can be placed somewhere to be isolated before opening on the day itself. Pretend you misunderstood what she meant, it was just that you couldn’t do a big standard present exchange so you’ve devised this COVID safe version. Is your MIL forming a Christmas bubble with SIL? Or planning to stay at home alone this year?

@MummaBear4321 Sorry you’re in the same boat. I know what you mean about not making it worse. For a long time I did that. And I realised I wasn’t making it any better for him, and I was maybe perpetuating it.

To be fair to DH, he’s not totally unaware of it, it’s just when an individual incident happens he hides his feelings about it at that time.

He is, slowly, dealing with the pattern. He’s pretty low contact with his sister now. He’s been letting that run down for a good few years, from before we met.

He felt bad about something he genuinely couldn’t do for his mum last week (long story), but when we talked about it and I mentioned that his mum (and sister) had made a lot of choices to get to that point, it wasn’t up to him to make an impossible situation work all on his own whilst they just did what they wanted, he was genuinely happier and more at peace. But it’s taken a long time and a good few rows to get to that point.

The turning point really was a few years back when SIL said something to me that was pretty bad, and FIL and BIL even said something. DH had seen it before and stood up for me a bit, but seeing others do it made him realise we weren’t the only ones who saw it.

So there’s been several years of slowly tailing off contact my end, and I don’t think they’ll particularly notice my absent. I just won’t make an effort to start things up after Covid like I might have done otherwise.

So take care

@OverTheRainbow88

These threads always start with an scenario and then end up talking about money. Basically you feel annoyed they give their daughter money and not you guys.

Nice attempt to twist it. Favouritism is shown in many ways INCLUDING finances. Which I mentioned once. Not being allowed to visit has been talked about far more. But thanks for your input.

And yes, the elderly care will most certainly fall to me.

No one can make you do this if you don't want to OP.

@OverTheRainbow88

These threads always start with an scenario and then end up talking about money. Basically you feel annoyed they give their daughter money and not you guys.

The thread is about favouritism and that includes money as one scenario. Pretty obvious but it’s easier to be snarky than use your brain I suppose.

Next time they need help direct them to sil.
Or say you have a bad cough...

And yes, the elderly care will most certainly fall to me. Not even DH, me.

Ah but hang on I thought your DH was a 'sweetheart'! So it won't, will it, because he will be just as much of a lovely sweetheart when it comes to being fair and kind to his OWN WIFE and he won't allow you to be taken advantage of, will he? Yes?

Or is he just a big ole softie sweetheart when it comes to letting his wife do the shitwork so he doesn't have to have awkward conversations?

You really do need to take a BIG step back. Send those presents back. No, it isn't just up to big ole softie... you paid for them too.

Definitely pull RIGHT back and that shit with 'I don't want to bother DH' - wtf?! - Next time, you smile and say 'Sounds like you're saying my time doesn't matter, haha not the kind of thing you should be saying to someone you like asking favours from!'

Pull back.

Tell DH from now on you don't want to put yourself OR YOUR FAMILY out for people who disregard you. So next time she wants a lift shopping, you're going to be referring her to SIL. The one she favours.

'Sorry we're both so busy. Could you ask SIL? You see her sooo much anyway I'm sure that would be easier.'

'Sorry, we don't want to make you anxious by meeting. I tell you what, you don't mind seeing SIL, how about she takes you to the appointment/shop/How To Be A Complete Bitch training session?'

@YoniAndGuy DH does loads for us and his parents if he can. If he's not working then he's more than happy to go take his mum shopping or pick up their prescriptions. He even does more housework than me (he doesn't like to sit for long and likes to get chores done) and he also buys all his family's birthday and Christmas cards and gifts. No wifework here as it would occur to him for me to sort his family. I'm perfectly willing to do it as well as they're my family too now) it's just when I'm around more and MIL lives on the next street it makes sense as I'm home most of the time.
Like I said, DH is a lovely little sweetheart. He's just a bit sad that his mum was so willing to cut us off for Christmas but it's different with his DSis. (Not that she has anything to do with this, it's not her doing)

As for SIL helping out she's a good hour and a half away in a completely different county.

OP,

@YoniAndGuy is bang on.

If you are prepared to accept that you and your husband are only good for the shit work and being carer's into the future, well you can't blame your in laws for treati you thus.🤷🏻‍♀️

The truth is that we teach people how to treat us.
If you put up with being treated as unimportant, they will treat as exactly that.

Useful for jobs and appointments but definitely not a priority otherwise.

NOT being available is the key.

But if want to spend your future years looking after people who could care less about you... crack on.

I think giving them a really good dose of your future unavailability would be helpful, but from the sounds of them, why bother.

@YoniAndGuy that is very good advice. Start being less available and let SIL take over. She is the favourite after all!