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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me to count myself lucky this Xmas

50 replies

Mobilecarehell · 12/12/2020 11:01

I know I should count myself lucky this Xmas, but I can't help feeling a bit down. Normally we have a houseful but this year there will just be me, my dh & our 20 year old ds. Our dd, who is married with one child will be working in a care home so they will only be with us for present opening in the morning. She can't have any more children, and I think my jealousy stems from my sister becoming a gp for the second time this year. Her house will be busy. Her ds & partner popping in in the morning for drinks before heading off somewhere else, she'll have our two elderly dp as it's her turn, plus her dd, sil & 2 gc for Xmas, whilst us 3 sit at home like outcast lepers. We're all in tier 3 so I think some rules are being broken there.
We still all have our health, jobs & house, only difference is that it will be a very quiet Xmas with just the 3 of us. Someone please tell me to appreciate what I have, as all I can imagine is my sisters cosy, fun filled Xmas photos on Facebook while we're on our own. There is no falling out or back story, it's just circumstances. I keep going back to a few years ago when we would all congregate at one house & there would be about 12 people altogether & I feel very depressed.
I can't see things changing in future years. Elderly parents are the glue that hold everything together, then siblings get their own grandchildren and all start branching off. Her family is likely to grow a lot whereas ours is not likely to grow for a good number of years, if at all. If it wasn't for our ds I would just go on holiday to a place where Xmas is not celebrated, until it's all over.

OP posts:
Fuckertyfuckmcfuck · 12/12/2020 11:05

It's a strange time for everyone, you are allowed to wallow for a bit
I'd love GC but I don't think that's going to happen
I'm sure you will have a lovely time, different yes but it's what you make it

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/12/2020 11:09

It's going to be a strange christmas for everyone this year. Just make the most of it, its just 1 year hopefully.

There is only me and my 2 for christmas, like every year, family all over the place.

ElizaLaLa · 12/12/2020 11:24

Be glad you have children and a grand child. There are some people that cant have 1 child at all.

And you are jit alone. There are 3 of you. There are some people that a truly on their own, with no one to share it with.

Get over yourself. Or go and volunteer in a soup kitchen for the day or common a charity that places older people with a family for the day.

ElizaLaLa · 12/12/2020 11:25

*not
*are
*join

Meatshake · 12/12/2020 11:28

Good excuse to shake up some traditions?

We were a bit like this a couple of years back, sister and her family at her in laws, my grandad gone to my uncles, so it was just my parents, me, husband and 1 year old baby who slept a LOT.

We BBQ'd some prawns and other bits under a gazebo in the rain, belting out Xmas music, neighbours laughing at us.

A couple of years prior we shoved roast in the oven and drove 50 mins to the beach for a walk.

It might be a bit of a wait for your son to grow up and have his family (if that's in his life plan!) so you can have that busy fun Christmas you want, but if you make it some fun and silly Christmases now he's more likely to want to come back when he does have that family. I always think that the Christmases with kids in their 20s are a bit weird anyway, a lot of the magic is for the little ones!

Have you got any friends in a similar position? Why not see if they want to have a few drinks on a doorstep? You might alleviate someone else's boredom and loneliness.

Failing that, open a bottle of wine, get shit faced, burn the turkey and start pestering your son about grandbabies. That'll go down brilliantly 🤣

Smallsteps88 · 12/12/2020 11:34

Honestly, and i mean this in a frank and not nasty way, I think you’re being ridiculous. You’ve had years of full house, noisy, happy family christmases, you will have more, probably next year. This is just one Christmas. That’s all it is. One, quieter than normal Christmas. It’s really not anything to be miserable about. Certainly not if you take 5 minutes to consider what and who others are doing without this Christmas as a result of covid.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 12/12/2020 11:35

I can understand how you feel, but maybe use the opportunity to change routines a little. Obviously this year is different, but what about doing something different next year eg trip away over NYE, stay in a fancy hotel etc?

It’s just DH, DS and I this year and our house will be quiet. SIL will have a full, noisy house as she’s hosting PIL and other family, but tbh it’d be my idea of hell. We usually book a little trip away for a few nights which is lovely to look forward to

PurBal · 12/12/2020 11:37

My mum will be alone this Christmas. It's shit for everyone.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 11:40

Focus on what’s good. We normally have a big Christmas with friends and their adult kids, and take it in turns to host, this year it will be me, my husband and our daughter.

I can’t wait, we will have a lovely relaxed day, just our little family, opening our presents together, breakfast just us, Michael buble on, fire lit, watch a crappy movie or two, eat too much, it will be great.

Think of the positives of it.

bloodywhitecat · 12/12/2020 11:40

Enjoy the Christmas you are having and don't pine for what you think you could've had. I have just waved off the baby we have been fostering for over a year, he has gone to wonderful parents but it hurts. On Christmas Eve DP starts chemo, he has terminal cancer and is unlikely to be here next Christmas

Smallsteps88 · 12/12/2020 11:42

Thanks @bloodywhitecat

AKissAndASmile · 12/12/2020 11:43

My mum will be alone this Christmas. It's shit for everyone.

This

Blueshoess · 12/12/2020 11:59

You asked us to tell you to count yourself lucky, so I will. I’m spending Christmas alone (well with my dog!) as it’s my sons turn to spend the day with his Dad & his family. My nearest family members are 200 miles away and I can’t travel due to commitments with my son. My parents live in the states and I’ve not seen them since February (days before trump closed the country down) my mum has early onset dementia and is deteriorating. Maybe next Christmas she won’t even recognise me and my son (her only grandchild.)

But to be honest, I’ve accepted that there is nothing I can do about it. And so I’m actually really looking forward to cooking for me and the dog, drinking wine, watching the trashiest Christmas films I can. Seems like a fitting end to what has been a pretty lonely year!

List what you’re grateful for, make a nice plan for the day (switching up traditions is a good idea!) and remember that things will be different next year. It’s just one day.

gower4 · 12/12/2020 12:02

I think "three outcast lepers" is going a bit far!!! Grin lots of people are families of three (or smaller) all the time!

ohwhatamiserableyear · 12/12/2020 12:04

Are you serious wallowing because your DD can't provide you with any more grandchildren?

Wow.

Sn0tnose · 12/12/2020 12:12

I sympathise with you that you aren’t going to be able to have the Christmas that you would like but you can’t do anything about it so, in the kindest possible way, you need to take a deep breath, give yourself a good talking to about all the positives in your life and make the best of it, or you’ll be guaranteed to have a rotten time.

@bloodywhitecat I cannot begin to imagine what you’re having to go through. I wish you and yours the strength to get through it and make some wonderful memories Flowers

lifebytheby · 12/12/2020 12:13

My DM and step dad are in a country where the borders are closed due to Covid. They haven't seen my DC/their DGC for over a year now and don't know when the next time they see them will be.

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/12/2020 12:15

My parents are in their 80's my dad has dementia. They would have gone to my sisters but can't, as my sisters 3 children are coming home for xmas.

Original poster
Mobilecarehell · 12/12/2020 12:18

@ohwhatamiserableyear
Please don't be so quick to judge with your sarcastic comment. I'm very close to my daughter. She has already lost a baby quite close to the end of pregnancy. She would love another one, but it's not going to happen. I feel her pain. You are very lucky to have one child when some people have none, but you are allowed to grieve for what might have been.

OP posts:
ashmts · 12/12/2020 12:22

What a load of self-indulgent rubbish. Has it escaped your notice that we're in a pandemic? Most people are spending Christmas differently to how they'd like. You'll be at home with your husband and son, boohoo. You even get to see your daughter and grandchild. Surprised she's comfortable visiting if she works in a care home but that's up to you. And you'd go on holiday if you could? It's a pandemic. Selfish imo.

Personally I came very close to spending Christmas alone. DP is working 24th-26th (he's a nurse) and because we're both NHS I don't feel comfortable visiting my parents and elderly grandmother. Fortunately DP's sister has kindly invited me to join her and her partner for dinner. And all the rubbish about being jealous of your sister for having another baby in the family. Honestly... Get a grip.

@bloodywhitecat I am so sorry to hear what you're going through

nearlynermal · 12/12/2020 12:24

It's fine to be sad, OP. We're all ridiculously lucky compared with someone, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Just be kind to yourself and try to register the little momentary pleasures.

BrutusMcDogface · 12/12/2020 12:25

Yes, it is shit, but it could be a whole lot worse.

@bloodywhitecat I am so sorry Flowers

vodkaredbullgirl · 12/12/2020 12:27

@bloodywhitecat sorry to hear about your DP

SquirrelFan · 12/12/2020 12:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MoreKnackeredThanYou · 12/12/2020 12:33

I grew up with only my mum as family - I have no siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents. No contact from my father or his family. All our christmases were just the two of us - hadn’t realised we must have looked like outcast lepers to other people