Tell me to count myself lucky this Xmas

[Mobilecarehell]

I know I should count myself lucky this Xmas, but I can't help feeling a bit down. Normally we have a houseful but this year there will just be me, my dh & our 20 year old ds. Our dd, who is married with one child will be working in a care home so they will only be with us for present opening in the morning. She can't have any more children, and I think my jealousy stems from my sister becoming a gp for the second time this year. Her house will be busy. Her ds & partner popping in in the morning for drinks before heading off somewhere else, she'll have our two elderly dp as it's her turn, plus her dd, sil & 2 gc for Xmas, whilst us 3 sit at home like outcast lepers. We're all in tier 3 so I think some rules are being broken there.
We still all have our health, jobs & house, only difference is that it will be a very quiet Xmas with just the 3 of us. Someone please tell me to appreciate what I have, as all I can imagine is my sisters cosy, fun filled Xmas photos on Facebook while we're on our own. There is no falling out or back story, it's just circumstances. I keep going back to a few years ago when we would all congregate at one house & there would be about 12 people altogether & I feel very depressed.
I can't see things changing in future years. Elderly parents are the glue that hold everything together, then siblings get their own grandchildren and all start branching off. Her family is likely to grow a lot whereas ours is not likely to grow for a good number of years, if at all. If it wasn't for our ds I would just go on holiday to a place where Xmas is not celebrated, until it's all over.

I have to work through Christmas as I have no money after last lockdown (self employed). Currently working early days til late nights to squeeze as much work on as poss in case of a Jan lockdown. Still consider us lucky for being healthy and together on Xmas day

You are of course allowed to grieve for what you'd like and what won't happen. And for your daughter's loss which must have been very painful, especially happening so late.

I still think the 'three lepers' business is over dramatising. You have two children and one grandchild, and you'll be seeing all of them on Christmas Day. That already makes you luckier than a lot of people. Have you lost anyone to
Covid this year? I have - and it's not a competition, but if you haven't, be thankful.

Finally, I'm sure you wouldn't want your lovely family to think they were not enough for you. So back off from that mindset. Treasure what you have.

@bloodywhitecat

@ashmts
I said in an update how my daughter lost a baby close to the end of pregnancy it's not childish jealousy for my sister. It is self indulgent & I already said I should know how lucky we are in my original post, but I can't help feeling the pain my lovely daughter feels 😢

Honestly OP, yes you do need to count yourself lucky and - frankly - everyone is allowed to feel a bit low at times but it feels pretty self indulgent and thoughtless to post complaining about spending Christmas Day seeing your partner, son, daughter and grandchild!

Your OP is all about you - you asked people to tell you to 'count yourself lucky' (which you should) but didn't like it when that is pretty much what people said.
Very difficult for your daughter but that wasn't your original post.

@Mobilecarehell That's a totally different AIBU though. AYBU to be sad about your daughter's loss? Of course not. But you do seem determined to focus on the negatives. You haven't acknowledged any of the posts with people sharing their own stories of hard times. Surely some of them have put it into perspective?

I think you need to work on getting a life outside of the family.

Feeling down because your child can't have another child is incredibly selfish. Imagine if she cotton's on to that. It's her loss, not yours.

Im sorry but you sound ungrateful to me.

Honestly I can't think of a better way to say it, other than you're being selfish. You are of course able to want more, but you have SO much. Your children are healthy, you're spending the day with your husband and son and will see your daughter and grandchild.
My aunt died two months ago, no children - my uncle will be totally alone (people have offered but he's still heavily grieving).
My best friends husband of 38 died in January, leaving behind her and their son. They face Christmas without their dad.
Your daughters loss isn't yours, being upset over having no more grandchildren honestly makes you doubt so self absorbed. I'm sorry for your sadness and loss but you need a kick up the bottom. You're so blessed, so lucky - and you can't see it because you're looking for more than you have. There is absolutely nothing sad about the set up you have to enjoy on Christmas Day, millions would kill for it.

said in an update how my daughter lost a baby close to the end of pregnancy it's not childish jealousy for my sister. It is self indulgent & I already said I should know how lucky we are in my original post, but I can't help feeling the pain my lovely daughter feels

And if that was what your post was about then people might be more sympathetic, but its not.

Honestly, you have so much, you are lucky. You have a grandchild and you still ahve living parents? My parents were both dead before my first child was even born, one long before. You have a sister and nieces and nephews and a partner and a son and a daugter and grandson, and you will see both of yuor children and grandchild on Xmas Day!
What do you have to complain about, really?

After reading bloodywhitecat post I would say you are truly blessed. You have your dh, ds and dd with dg visiting on Christmas day. Some people have not one person to say Happy Christmas to share a meal with, laugh at the tv or pull a cracker with. These are the people that I feel for. Loneliness is a killer. You will not be lonely this Christmas.

@bloodywhitecat. I would like to wish you a peaceful and memorable Christmas with your husband.

It's not just the 3bof you though as you said daughter was coming round for present opening. You sound a bit self absorbed. Imagine if you daughter and son want to spend Christmas with their in laws in years to come, then you may be alone, but this time you aren't. Try to enjoy the Christmas you are going to have, it will be much better than for many others.

In the original post you did not say that you felt your daughter's pain, you said that you were sad that your sister's family was growing whilst your own is not likely too. It came across as self indulgent and that you are not appreciating what you do have. Put some effort into making in a nice day for the family you will see You already know YABU

Some rather unkind people on here. As per usual.

OP it IS ok to feel sad about this Christmas. It's been a crap year and I'm sorry for your daughters loss.

It's not about who has it worse. It's not a competition. It's ok for us to feel sad for different reasons to the next person.

@bloodywhitecat

Id love to have just 1 person with me this Christmas. Instead I'm on my own. My dd is with her dad and I'm single with no one to spend Christmas with so yeah, you're been ridiculous.

Some rather unkind people on here. As per usual

It's unkind to go on about how sad you are because you only have your *entire family" around you for Xmas, and how awful it is.

Oh fgs give OP a break. I had secondary infertility, and in hindsight it was really difficult for my mum and dad to see me go through what was a complex and upsetting experience. And yes part of that was feeling sad about no more grandchildren, as I'm an only child. Why wouldn't they be sad about that? Most people, whether they admit it or not, halfway expect to have two or three grandchildren running around at some point,and apart from that watching your own child struggle with infertility and loss must be pretty gruelling because you simply can't fix it for them,and it's horrible.

Plus it must be an odd adjustment, going from the big family Christmases to something smaller, and while smaller is often better really, it's going to be a sad realisation that there may be no more additions to the family Christmas any time soon, if ever.

OP I get it. I really hope things improve for your daughter and that she can come to terms with not being able to have any more. I'm not suprised this Christmas will be a mixed bag of emotions for you.

On saying that I absolutely do think you should take advantage of a quieter, more adult celebration. In your shoes, I'd be treating myself to something very luxurious to put in a bath, I'd get all the nicest buffet/cheeseboard type food, I'd wear something stupidly fancy and I'd get in a stack of new books to read. I would lounge and nibble and read all day, in style, whilst drinking plenty of sherry, and then I'd make everyone wrap up and go out for a late night moonlit walk to sober up!

My parents are in their seventies but divorced. It’s normally me, my brother and mum and then I see my dad Boxing Day. But my mums vulnerable so I won’t see my dad this year. Hes 72 and will be alone so feel sorry for him if you want to feel sorry for people.

You have one grandchild already that’s a blessing some people don’t get any.

Op your dd has been through a lot and I understand your grief and your sense of what could have been.
You have your lovely dd and grandchild coming over, take lots of pictures, take pictures later as well.
I know it’s not about Facebook, but if you post those pictures, it will look like any happy family Christmas.
Just trying to show you an outside perspective.

My Xmas will be spent caring my DH who is currently having a lengthy, massive flare up of his IBD. His new meds plus the steroids have wiped out his immune system, so we haven’t seen anyone for months. We can’t see my elderly parents, our children or our grandson for the foreseeable future or until DH gets the vaccine. IF he can get the vaccine because he is allergic to penicillin. So yeah, maybe count your blessings.

I’m an only child so my dd is my parents only grandchild. I don’t know if I can have any more, if I can’t i will obviously be upset as I really want more. But I would be devastated if my mum gets upset at it too and feel guilty that I have let her down and she won’t have anymore grandchildren. Please enjoy the grandchild you already have and be happy you get to see them at Christmas. You’ll make things much worse for your dd if she knows that your upset at only having one grandchild, don’t make it harder for her then it already is.

Can't the 3 of you join them? Life's too short. X

Your dd has lost a child late in pregnancy, quite probably won't be able to conceive another child, and is spending most of the day away from her child as she is working on Christmas day.

If you need anything to put your self indulgence into check, that should be it.

To be honest I would be a bit gutted if I was your son or daughter and I heard you say what you have said here.

If I was your son I would think I was not enough for you to be grateful for and feel you could have a lovely day with. If I was your daughter I would think "look at this precious child in front of your eyes and treasure them - rather than wish there were more children" (and I have read your update and I'm sorry for the situation).

We are having our xmas as a family of 4 when we would usually be with extended family.

I'm looking forward to a pleasant day doing relaxing things and focusing on the small stuff like I've been asking my family what they want for breakfast/xmas starter and pud. It wont be expensive stuff but if my son wants a croissant and my husband a bacon butty on xmas morning then that's what they can have. I'm grateful I can get us what we want to eat and have a warm home/gifts and I'm sorry for anyone struggling to have those things.

There is a meme going around the internet this year saying something like "this is not the year to be thinking about what you want but the year to be thinking about what you have." For those of us lucky enough to be able to enjoy a Christmas with loved ones it is very true.

@Winter2020

Beautifully put