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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about extra guest at Christmas

43 replies

BarrelChestedPuppy · 12/12/2020 09:03

First off we are in an area with no covid restrictions...but the borders are closed.

We usually host dhs ex, his grown up kids and his mum and dad. I live a long way from family and can feel a bit put upon at Christmas, fairly or not. Last year because of a death in the family we ended up with 7 extra, who were mostly my husband’s ex’s family. I like them but it was a lot.

We have also have for a few years invited a couple friend of ours, we didn’t last year.

This year it’s the first year since the death in the family, I haven’t asked couple friends as it might be awkward. Just found out that dh has apparently said yes to his ex inviting along a random friend of hers. I know this woman and she’s fine but I didn’t really want to bothered with our own close friends never mind a random that I don’t know that well.

I’m pissed off with dh as he didn’t mention it to me...found out from his parents.

OP posts:

Clymene · 12/12/2020 09:07

No one should invite someone when someone else is doing all the work (because let's face it, Christmas is basically a 4 day wifework fest).

Can you tell your husband to tell her he's got his wires crossed and she can't come? I would be v unhappy

Weenurse · 12/12/2020 09:08

I’d be pissed off as well.
Can you not say no to ex?

Spuriously17windows · 12/12/2020 09:14

Maybe look at it as a guilt free opportunity to outsource the labour for the day. Presumably the guest, and the ex (WTF?) will offer to help out. I would work them, and DH for that matter, to the bone and relax a bit yourself.

Forgotmycoat · 12/12/2020 09:14

Yanbu at all. Do you want to spend the day with dh ex? Never mind her friend. Dh is taking you for granted. It's extremely unfair all the work falls on you. It's your Xmas too, time to put your foot down and only have people you both want.

Also, why are you expected to invite his ex? Can she not see their dc at hers? Sounds very enmeshed.

Original poster

BarrelChestedPuppy · 12/12/2020 09:25

Re the ex, she’s ok. I’m more pissed off with dh for agreeing without asking me and then not telling me.

Ex and dh's mum pitch in and dh does most of the cooking.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 12/12/2020 09:36

I think if your dh does the cooking, then it's kind of fine.

The outrage is when the man invites people and the woman does all the work.

CatholicKidston · 12/12/2020 09:47

That all sounds like a massive pain in the arse but she's invited now, you can't really turn her away at Christmas? What age are the DC out of interest?

81Byerley · 12/12/2020 10:19

My ex once informed me that he had invited a workmate for Christmas Day. He knew that I'd be working Christmas Eve 4-11pm sleeping in, then 7-12 Christmas Day, and that I'd be cooking Christmas dinner for 12 people at work before coming home to cook ours. I was furious, because he invited a man I'd never met, without asking first..... and it was to MY house, my partner didn't live with me! It turned out to be a really lovely day. The man lived in one room in a shared house, and was so grateful not to be alone. He was much more appreciative of my cooking than my partner was, and was very good company. You may find your extra guest is your favourite guest!!

nosswith · 12/12/2020 10:45

Not checking with you first is the most unreasonable thing. Yes get them to muck in and help.

ivfbeenbusy · 12/12/2020 10:55

Ex and dh's mum pitch in and dh does most of the cooking.

Sounds like everyone else does most of the work? Therefore this is more of a case of rudeness at not asking your opinion first

For what it's worth I find it a bit odd inviting friends and whole swathes of an ex wife's family at Xmas? It's nice you all get along enough to have the ex wife there but the kids are adults now....

myhobbyisouting · 12/12/2020 11:09

So it would've been ok for you to decide your close couple friends came and DH was cooking but not ok for him to decide his ex can bring a friend even though he's coming.

DreamingofGinoclock · 12/12/2020 11:30

I find it weird the extra guest wants to come....if one of my friends asked me do you want to spend Christmas at a someone's house you dont know and on top of it it was my friends ex's house and his new partner would be there , then I would politely decline.

Who would want to put themselves in such an awkward position let alone at Christmas!

Simplyunacceptable · 12/12/2020 11:34

Weird situation not only inviting his ex every year but also her family and now a friend of yours you barely know. I’m guessing this is a cultural thing because the vast majority of people just wouldn’t stand for this!

JingleJohnsJulie · 12/12/2020 11:37

I think I'd be asking what they are both bringing. Nobody should turn up for Christmas Lunch expecting to come empty handed.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/12/2020 11:38

I wouldn't have my partners ex around every xmas howether nice she may be, let alone her random friend. Get you husband to tell them no. The friend and ex can spend the day together.

Chailatte20 · 12/12/2020 11:39

Too late to do anything for this year but I'd be tempted to book an all inclusive holiday over Christmas next year.

It's time for the ex to host her own family and pay for the privilege, she's probably saving a fortune coming to you every year.

Monkeytapper · 12/12/2020 11:42

You said you had 7 extra because of death in family last year but then said this is first year since death in family, which one is it.?

Puddingypops · 12/12/2020 11:48

I can’t believe so many people are shocked about the ex coming round. My ex husband spends Christmas with me and my partner and my son (ex’s son) every year for the past 6 years. I see my ex like family, and my partner and ex get on really well and often go drinking together, this is far better than a family at war and my son has grown up with all of the people in his life who love him getting along. As for the OPs thing about an extra guest yes I sympathise but as others have said you might find this person is wonderful company and even though I would initially be annoyed I’d try to turn my mind towards Christmas being a time of generosity of spirit and embrace it. Easier said than done but worth a try x

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2020 11:50

@Clymene

No one should invite someone when someone else is doing all the work (because let's face it, Christmas is basically a 4 day wifework fest).

Can you tell your husband to tell her he's got his wires crossed and she can't come? I would be v unhappy

No it really isn't a '4 day wifework fest'. Well not in many homes anyway.

YANBU OP. I wouldn't be happy either with the lack of communication. He should've said he'll get back to her after discussing it with you.

MaelyssQ · 12/12/2020 11:57

I wouldn't be inviting extra guests for Christmas, even without Covid stopping play for most of us. We have our own family traditions and silliness and I wouldn't want anyone else intruding on such a special day.

Hollyoakswatcher · 12/12/2020 11:59

This is mumsnet where all ex’s are the devil reincarnated and everyone shares stories on whose partner’s ex has done the most outrageous thing. OP hasn’t asked any opinion on hosting her DH’s ex so why people are commenting on that I have no idea.

I would have a word to DH that you didn’t like being consulted first but I wouldn’t kick off about it or get him to change any plans. It sounds like everybody fairly pitches in so it doesn’t seem like it will be extra work for you.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2020 12:02

OP hasn’t asked any opinion on hosting her DH’s ex so why people are commenting on that I have no idea

Exactly. Each to their own, all families are different.

peboh · 12/12/2020 12:07

He definitely should have discussed it with you first, but it sounds like he's just being a nice guy. You've said he does most of the cooking anyway, so it's not putting an extra work on you. Also who knows, this friend may become a close friend of all of yours. Christmas is a time when anyone is welcome to my home, because I can't bare the thought of anyone being alone.

Branleuse · 12/12/2020 12:26

surely with covid youve got the perfect excuse

dinglethedragon · 12/12/2020 12:34

@Branleuse

surely with covid youve got the perfect excuse

I think the OP is in Australia - "no restrictions, borders closed", is the clue.

I've got family in Aus and Christmas, for them, is a much wider social event, not just family.

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