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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about extra guest at Christmas

43 replies

BarrelChestedPuppy · 12/12/2020 09:03

First off we are in an area with no covid restrictions...but the borders are closed.

We usually host dhs ex, his grown up kids and his mum and dad. I live a long way from family and can feel a bit put upon at Christmas, fairly or not. Last year because of a death in the family we ended up with 7 extra, who were mostly my husband’s ex’s family. I like them but it was a lot.

We have also have for a few years invited a couple friend of ours, we didn’t last year.

This year it’s the first year since the death in the family, I haven’t asked couple friends as it might be awkward. Just found out that dh has apparently said yes to his ex inviting along a random friend of hers. I know this woman and she’s fine but I didn’t really want to bothered with our own close friends never mind a random that I don’t know that well.

I’m pissed off with dh as he didn’t mention it to me...found out from his parents.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2020 12:36

If they're hosting the parents, adult kids and the ex then how can Covid be the perfect excuse not to host one more?

HaggieMaggie · 12/12/2020 13:04

I think it’s time you all went to his ex’a for Christmas

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 12/12/2020 13:10

I don’t understand why he’s acting like his exes family is still his priority. You don’t invite people you want because his ex and her parents and her friends take up that room. That makes no sense to me.

I think it’s nice that you’re all mature enough that the adult children and their parents spend the days together, but that’s where I would draw the line. I wouldn’t want the ex still dictating who else gets invited to your Christmas as if she’s still DH’s family.

Dashel · 12/12/2020 13:31

Do you and DH ever go and visit your family for Christmas? I know it’s far away but it doesn’t seem fair that every year it’s alway itS his family

jessstan1 · 12/12/2020 13:37

I think you should not be doing everything, op. Your husband must play his part in the food preparation and clearing up. I imagine your guests do help clean up a bit.

Relax. Of course there should have been consultation with you about guests and I trust you have told him so, he is suitably chastened and will not do it again, however what's done is done.

I'm sure when it comes you will enjoy it and your efforts will be much appreciated (yours and your husband's).

Whatthebloodyell · 12/12/2020 13:39

I can understand you being annoyed, but it sounds like you normally have an open house, and like he pulls his weight, so I can see why he just went ahead and said yes without checking with you first.

AlwaysCheddar · 12/12/2020 13:39

Is it a friend or a ‘friend’?

maryberryslayers · 12/12/2020 13:48

It's a pain but there must be a reason behind it. Perhaps they would have been completely alone otherwise. If they are nice enough just grin and bear it. The thought of it is worse than it ever is on the day with things like this.

Have a word with DH though and tell him to run extra guests past you in future before he responds as it's just polite when you live with someone.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2020 13:52

I think you should not be doing everything, op. Your husband must play his part in the food preparation and clearing up. I imagine your guests do help clean up a bit.

The OP said...

Ex and dh's mum pitch in and dh does most of the cooking.

girlywhirly · 12/12/2020 14:08

I think the issue is that the DH didn’t think. He went ahead and invited with no discussion, he assumed it was OK. It’s the OP’s home too, even if she doesn’t do all the cooking and people help, maybe after last year when it seems all and sundry came for Christmas Day, she just wanted a quiet one as she hasn’t invited any of her family or friends, and it seems every Christmas is dominated by DH’s.

Going forward DH needs to communicate with the OP about arrangements, and not assume that because arrangements suit him they are not set in stone. And why are they the ones who always host?

Silverbuckeroo · 12/12/2020 14:10

81Byerley

What a lovely post! you sound great and it's refreshing to read something so positive x

Casiloco · 12/12/2020 14:12

DH def should have asked. But as far as what you do, I think I would find out what this extra invitee's situation was in a bit more detail before proposing a "disinvitation".

If she was going to be on her own for Christmas, then you may decide to be the bigger person here and tolerate a less-than-ideal situation?

Sounds like they all muck in so it's another pair of hands at a busy time ...

GoldfishParade · 12/12/2020 14:25

I dont understand why it's all always so heavily geared towards his people? Are your family in the country? Or abroad? Why do you never have a xmas with yours?

81Byerley · 12/12/2020 16:11

@Puddingypops How lovely to hear of another family like mine. I don't spend Christmas with my ex, but that isn't to say I wouldn't. We loved each other and had 4 children together. Why would we not still be affectionate to each other? He has stayed with us and gets on very well with my husband.

Original poster

BarrelChestedPuppy · 12/12/2020 16:47

@Monkeytapper

You said you had 7 extra because of death in family last year but then said this is first year since death in family, which one is it.?

monkeytapper. Don’t really want to go into it but v close family member died at Christmas. Last Christmas was totally just that. This is the first Christmas since. Is that precise enough?

My family live too far away to see at Christmas, if we went to see them my dh wouldn’t see his kids. The day will probably come fairly soon when his kids are off elsewhere for Christmas and we’ll probably jet of& to the Caribbean for Christmas.

His exes family also live a long way away too.

And yes, it’s the not being consulted that is getting to me.

OP posts:

DuzzyFuck · 12/12/2020 17:00

@MaelyssQ

I wouldn't be inviting extra guests for Christmas, even without Covid stopping play for most of us. We have our own family traditions and silliness and I wouldn't want anyone else intruding on such a special day.

I find that attitude a bit sad @MaelyssQ, speaking as someone who would have spent numerous Christmases completely alone if not for being warmly welcomed into the homes of friends. Not everyone has family around, or is able to see them on special occasions. We have an open door policy at Christmas and always will, I couldn't enjoy myself if someone I knew was sitting on their own elsewhere.

OP I'd be a little miffed at the lack of communication but it doesn't sound like all the work falls to you so if I were you I'd pour myself a glass of champagne on the day and let it wash over me. Maybe invite those friends too, if you've got space for them!

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2020 17:01

Can’t believe someone said Christmas was a four day wife fest of work,

Op, it’s one extra person and he’s doing the cooking. I get it’s annoying, but maybe she’s no where else to go. I’d just let it flow.

On the other hand, I also find it very odd you spend Xmas with his ex wife.

Original poster

BarrelChestedPuppy · 12/12/2020 17:15

The first few years we were together we had separate Christmases with the kids shufflin* about. But it just got sillly. I know the ex well, she knows me well, so everyone just mucks in. Might be different if she had someone new but it probably wouldn’t be. The ex really isn’t the issue.

And yes, I’ve no idea where this friend would go otherwise but she’s got other friends.

OP posts:

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