To consider another baby...

[LuckyNumberThirteen]

I suppose a WWYD topic would be more appropriate than AIBU but hear me out.

I have one son who is four and a half.

Last year, my husband and I had hoped to try for a second but I was made redundant in January, then started a new job two weeks before lockdown. So we put it on hold.

I'm thinking about trying again now but I was really ill last time. Multiple hospital stays with HG. Physio for SPD. Chances are the next time would be much the same.

Am I being unreasonable to consider this during a pandemic? Not to mention selfish and stupid?

I do worry about the age gap so it does feel a bit now or never.

How old are you, I think a lot depends upon your age.

Who will look after you child if you are ill
And hospitalised?

If you can afford wrap around childcare for nine months whilst you are ill then go for it

I'm early 30s but my husband is early 40s.

I can afford childcare but I don't need it as my husband is self employed so would work around school times. I wasn't in hospital for the full nine months. I was in and out until I was about 16 weeks. I then started to feel much better by 20 weeks. Obviously it could be completely different next time.

Personally I would wait until Easter. All vaccinations are supposed to be done by then.

I'd go for it. Could take a few months to get Pg, by which time we'll be into the spring.

Does the age gap matter? I know a few months won't matter, but what if I did put it off for a year?

I'd start ttc now tbh neither of you are getting younger, I'm in a similar boat ages wise and it took almost 2 years to conceive.

I have a couple of friends who had 6 year gaps and it’s been fine. It had challenges and advantages. I don’t think I’d sign up to spending a lot of time in hospital now, but would delay a bit longer.

Exactly what I'm worrying about.

Do I really want to risk having to go to hospital right now? Should I just stick to how we are - and we are happy as a three.

Spam me with only child pros!

I don’t know. I was sick with my first and sort oh forgot. Am not pregnant with my second and glad my DS is too young to remember. I’ve been very unwell and had so much mum guilt over the full days in bed...etc. I also went down the ‘it could be totally different next time’ train of thought but I think if you’ve been really sick once chances are you will be again. Hope for better by all means but expect the same.

It’ll be ok when your DS is at school but even evenings/weekends will be hugely impacted for him and would worry at his age he may feel that’s ‘because of the baby’. If you were ok in pregnancy I’d say crack on but if you’re sick like I was, I’m not sure!

*now

DS is an only child. It wasn't planned that way, I was all set to have three. He's now 19, and I am so happy he's an only child:
Uni costs a fortune- he's in nice halls, wants to do post grad stuff which we can fund as he's the only one. Probably couldn't if we had more;
We can comfortably fit into our 3 bed house with room to WFH;
As well as uni, teenage years bloody expensive- driving lessons, car, computers etc.;
No arguments which you have to listen to between siblings;
More time to spend on only children;
No dragging reluctant child to other child's activities- I despised having to watch DB play football every Sunday as I was taken along as both parents wanted to watch him;
I have a DB who I now very rarely see as an adult.
There you go

Thank you @Mydogdoesntlisten ☺️

I’d wait. The age gap is already there anyway so won’t make any difference. Not to mention that just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they will get on.

My boys have a 5 year age gap. It worked for us.

I had extremely bad SPD with both and my second pregnancy was very difficult physically.

However I managed, had support from work and it was fine. The older was able to do lots on his own which helped.

Biased here but putting it out there anyway- I have a DS who is a similar age. Had HG throughout pregnancy, was bed ridden and utterly useless until out of the first trimester. Then had a difficult delivery and lost of blood. I’ve had PTSD from both and it’s taken me years to recover mentally.

I can’t risk it again, so we’re not having another. Your situation sounds very different though. Do you have a good support network?

If you go for it I’d plan for awful HG again and get your ducks in a row- wraparound care for your DS, grandparent help, whatever. Check that your husband is prepared to work and care for you AND DS, potentially for months. If you’re both happy with managing it like that then absolutely go for it! And then hopefully you won’t get HG

Is it also worth talking to your GP about being medicated for HG at the first signs of it? Earlier intervention does make for better outcomes with it. I think I’d only try for another of my GP could guarantee I’d get ondansetron the second I felt I needed it, rather than letting me get severely ill.

If you're likely to need to be in hospital then I wouldn't. I wouldn't choose to go to hospital right now, it's not the safest place to be and they could really do without the added burden. You can afford to wait 6 months.

@PatchworkElmer

The chances of getting a Gp to preemptively guarantee you open access to ondansetron are nil!

You might as well say ‘I’d only consider a second if I get a pet unicorn’ ondansetron is no longer one of the gp anti emetics (not in my area at least) if you do manage to talk them into it they’d be giving you 1 weeks supply - begrudgingly.

They usually make you go through consultant care at local hospital to get it.

@Prumpertrumper well yes, that was kind of my point really- we’re not having another as it’d never happen.

As I clicked post I thought ‘I should’ve written “obviously this would never happen, so we’re not going there...” on the end- someone is bound to jump on me for not saying it... maybe I should make another reply? No, then it’s 3 posts in a row from me which is a bit much... I’ll just leave it...’

I would go for it in the new year if you have adequate support. You may not get pregnant straight away. I would only do so in your shoes if your dh is on board with helping, you have other family that can pick up and drop your son off to school and would take him to their home a few afternoons to give you a break. I would outsource laundry and either ask someone to cook for you or buy ready meals.

@PatchworkElmer

Sorry didn’t mean to ‘jump’ just saw your comment and imagined OP trying to corner a GP on the phone to get them to promise her ondansetron thought I’d save her the time and make it clear (as a HG mum) that getting medicated when you are actually sick is hard enough. Getting preemptive agreement would be impossible x

There’s no harm in waiting- my sister and I have an 8 year gap and we’re very close. It’s her birthday today so I’m heading to my parents later to watch A Muppet Christmas Carol (annual tradition) and eat homemade burgers :) Yes we didn’t play together like people with a 2 year gap but the opportunity for that sort of gap is gone now anyway

I took stemitil, cyclazine and metoclopramide and omeprazole to avoid going into hospital with my second. I was only hospitalised twice in the end, once for fluid replacement for four days and once with a GI bleed (just overnight). I discovered that my local maternity unit gave fluids on the day case unit so when my ex had a day off I’d go and get a litre of fluids. Is that a possibility for you?
I do have to say I wasn’t a great mum for a few months and she ate a lot of shop bought sandwiches, pasta and chopped fruits as I couldn’t cook at all. Think of ways to make your life easier: cleaner, laundrette and food delivery are good ideas if you can afford it.

Thank you all for being so nice.