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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DH to stop pestering me!

30 replies

Itsmadhere · 12/12/2020 02:09

I'm in my early 30s and DH in his early 40s. Our sex drives used to be mostly well matched but if anyone wanted sex more, it was usually me!

Over the last few years I've had two kids, a heart problem, hormonal imbalances - along with all the stress that everyone else has had going on - this, understandably has put a dampener on my sex drive.

We have sex now about twice a week, which I think is OK. I literally have no sex drive at the minute Sad so sex for me is a big deal and it involved a hell of a lot of acting. If it was all up to what I wanted we'd probably never have sex!

I've had this chat with DH, even my heart nurse has had a chat with him about how my meds and hormones can mess with my "urges" and he nods in all the right places BUT he's constantly on at me for more sex Hmm

He won't ever just go and jerk off either, be even wants me to be a part of that, which I find bizarre, not that he finds it a turn on BUT he NEVER does it alone! He's always touching me, squeezing my bum and boobs. He constantly makes lewd comments when we are alone. It's driving me nuts! I'm getting to the point where just him touching me is making me want to tell him to piss off.

OP posts:
DPotter · 12/12/2020 02:22

Then tell him to piss of.

He obviously isn't worried about upsetting you with his behaviour so you will need to be blunt. In the short term anyway. Twice a week plus hand jobs when you have small children is quite a lot - certainly above the 'national average'

In the long term, you need to figure out a way forward for yourself and as a couple. You are perfectly OK to decide how much sex you want / don't want. You also have the right to expect your 'D'H to respect that preference.

CallItLoneliness · 12/12/2020 02:58

Wow. Your husband "has sex" with you when he knows you don't want to have sex. That's pretty gross, and I am so sorry that you are with someone who doesn't respect your wishes.

Bupkiss · 12/12/2020 03:04

Stop having sex you don't want. It will ruin your mental health.

Tell your husband to go fuck a hole in a tree.

He's a pig.

KnitsAndGiggles · 12/12/2020 03:21

If you're giving in to sex to keep the peace... We'll it's not really consenting. Do you enjoy any of the sex you're having or is it all letting him get on with it and pretending to enjoy it? Is he ever affectionate without being sexual? Ie if you wanted a hug or a cuddle on the sofa would he keep his hands to himself?

changedmynameforChristmas · 12/12/2020 03:43

When I was with my husband he pestered me for sex all the time. Every night he would start and I just gave in so I could go to sleep. Some nights I would not shower but that never put him off.

I once warned him that this could not go on and one day I would say no.
This went on for years. When I would not play any more he turned nasty and became abusive. If he had only listened to me and been more reasonable it would not have ended so badly.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2020 03:54

What everyone else has said.

Buy a can of mace.

Stop 'acting'. You have an absolute right to say no to any unwanted sexual contact or sexual activity. Start asserting it.
If he won't stop then ask him to pack his bags and leave your home.

You do not owe him sex.
Ask him if he thinks you owe him sex. If his answer is anything but an adamant and immediate NO, then you need to make a big decision.

justilou1 · 12/12/2020 04:00

Fuuuuuuck! Why do they do this? It’s not flattering? It’s not pleasant? It’s harassment and most of the time it’s irritating, if not, downright painful.... It is designed to pester, badger, harangue, intimidate and exhaust you. I told my DH I would punch him in the balls if he didn’t respect that my body was my own and not some THING for his enjoyment. Social distancing needs to be applied immediately in this case too!!!

MerchantOfVenom · 12/12/2020 04:02

He sounds absolutely revolting.

What he’s doing is not normal. The way your post is written it’s almost as if you maybe think it ^is* within the realms of normal?

I mean, maybe it is - I don’t have a rutting Jack Russell on heat for a husband, thankfully - but it most certainly is not OK or acceptable behaviour from a grown-up.

Crustmasiscoming · 12/12/2020 04:13

His behaviour is really weird. Don't put up with this OP

HeirloomTomato · 12/12/2020 04:16

What a pig. Has he ever expressed any concern or empathy for your health issues? Or is it all about him? The fact that a health professional had to explain to him that hormonal issues might affect your libido and he still didn’t listen is really sad. Tell him to just leave you alone and show some respect for your well-being. If he ignores you or berates you because you won’t consent to sex that’s abuse, by the way.

lovelemoncurd · 12/12/2020 04:18

He's a sex pest. I could not live with that!

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 12/12/2020 04:40

Just horrible. You having to have sex twice a week while not interested and him knowing the health issues etc and still bothering you.
I couldn't be arsed.
He knows the deal, you can't help it if the meds are affecting you etc. He can jerk off alone, he's being ridiculous to inflict groping on you while he does that.
He's just so selfish.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2020 04:43

I would tell him to piss off. He doesn’t care about you and your needs. Just about him and his wants. He’s telling you over and over again your body belongs to him.

Do you ever enjoy sex anymore when you get going?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2020 04:48

Should have added : Your husband has trained you to wank him off. It’s no different to how people exploit animals eg bears to dance. You are literally his personal performing seal.

LilyLongJohn · 12/12/2020 05:12

There's nothing more likely to put you off sex than someone who's constantly groping you.

BiblioX · 12/12/2020 06:06

My exH wanted it all the time even when I had 3 under 3, recovering from major surgery etc. He once told me he didn’t care about any of the little things I tried to do to show I cared, like nice meals or doing the majority of the house/kids, he just wanted more sex. I’m so glad I got rid of him!!
My present husband is so considerate, exactly like me. When we first got together he was 40, after the honeymoon period where we had it a lot we averaged sex once every four days. My sex drive was much higher than his, I’d have liked it daily. Now it’s once every month to six weeks. I’m sure he’d like it some more but I am so tired and menopausal and just don’t want to be touched, he respects that utterly. We count sex as a lovely extra, great when it happens but we have a perfectly loving relationship without too.
Do you feel cherished and respected? I get the feeling you really don’t. That’s what love is.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2020 07:55

He's sexually assaulting you
Stop having sex you don't want

pickingdaisies · 12/12/2020 08:10

Stop explaining, he's not listening. Stop giving in. Say no. Say no to the unwanted sex, say no to the groping and "help with handjobs" (urgh) and if he gets sulky or nasty, hand him a definition of coercive control. And maybe one on sexual assault/harassment for good measure. YOU have to stop him. He won't stop by himself.

BonnieDundee · 12/12/2020 08:14

agree with what others.have said about consent but that might take time for you to process Flowers

Which fucker poster said YABU Xmas Angry

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 12/12/2020 08:26

Tell him to piss off. Tell him that his behaviour makes you repulsed by him and the more he does it the worse you feel towards him. He doesn’t care about respecting you and your personal boundaries so why should you respect him when he’s sexually harassing/assaulting you?

KittenCalledBob · 12/12/2020 08:29

Your husband is a complete arsehole OP Angry

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/12/2020 08:43

He once told me he didn’t care about any of the little things I tried to do to show I cared, like nice meals or doing the majority of the house/kids, he just wanted more sex

In all fairness, I think a lot of women could save themselves a lot of pointless housework and cooking by realising men don't value it. Not that I'm a believer in trying to please a man, but it's surely better to understand they don't care if the sitting room has been hoovered as long as you are giving them sex and admiration?

OP your husband is a pig, and I don't think I could remain even on friendly terms with a man who badgered me for sex after my cardiac nurse had told him not to. In the long term though, regardless of the rights and wrongs, you have a mismatch of sex drive, and your choice is either to keep placating him, or part ways.

Frenchdressing · 12/12/2020 08:48

This makes me sad for you. Horrible behaviour from your husband.

dottiedodah · 12/12/2020 09:02

I dont really think I could cope with this TBH. He is completely and utterly disrespecting you and your body .Honestly this would be bad enough anyway ,without the fact that you are on Heart medication FFS! A lot of men just seem to want to have Sex all the time like a Rutting Deer! I would be looking at ways to LTB and dont say that lightly on here.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/12/2020 09:04

It's sad that someone has actually voted YABU.

I would have no sex drive if my husband acted like this. I'd be totally repulsed by him.

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