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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worrying they all hate me on a Friday night.

43 replies

Serialcatmum · 11/12/2020 21:47

18 months ago I had a temporary promotion. It was supposed to be for a short amount of time but has had to be extended and I’m still doing it. It won’t be forever.

Although I’ve been covering a role within management I’ve tried really, really hard to be totally fair, honest and upfront. I’ve had to do some horrible meetings, but luckily none of them have been with my “friends” and I’ve been totally professional.

I work my arse off to make their lives easier e.g scan and add a missed attachment sooner than asking folk to fix the error etc.

A few blocked me on social media and today I found them all hiding in a room having a secret Christmas dinner together.

Aibu for being hurt and worrying about this on a Friday night?

OP posts:
BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit · 11/12/2020 21:53

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place here OP. You are doing your best but it’s not easy managing people and I think you will have to develop a thicker skin if you continue in the role.

The social media thing is fair enough because I’m assuming it is their own private accounts so it’s up to them. But leaving you out of the Christmas dinner does sound pretty nasty.

Try and put it to the back of your mind and don’t let it ruin your weekend (assuming you are not working the weekend!)

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 11/12/2020 21:59

Thank you for replying @BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit. I definitely don’t have thick skin but I do try to put my face on so everyone doesn’t know I want to cry!

I wonder how you get a thicker skin.. or even better genuinely don’t care!

Yes you’re totally right about the social media. I wish I’d not realised and didn’t feel the need to keep checking if anymore have blocked me!!! 😳

OP posts:
BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit · 11/12/2020 22:04

No worries. You need to stop checking your social media for a start, put that in the does it really matter....no it doesn’t category.

In terms of developing a thicker skin I think that will take time. You have to remember you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Do you have any support at work from other supervisors / managers or have you been dropped in at the deep end and left to it?
I hope you have supportive family and friends who you can turn to.

plumpootle · 11/12/2020 22:07

I'm afraid this just comes with the territory of management. Really, really don't take it personally. People just need some distance from the boss and you have to let them have that I think. They need to let off steam, and it's not personal. I have been in your shoes and it is a bit thankless when you know how hard you are working to protect the team etc. But that's the way of things and likely it will settle down. It's a bit lonely I know! But you have your life outside of work where you're not the boss and that's maybe where you have your Christmas dinner.

LilyLongJohn · 11/12/2020 22:15

Yeah it comes with the territory. It's one of the reasons I hate managing people. I now don't.

It will also depend on how old and whyat type of jobs they are doing. I managed a call centre of mainly young, 20 ish yr old women, and it was absolute hell. I went into manage, older more senior staff, and the pettiness wasn't there and I'd say it was easier, but still had its challenges.

The thing you need to do is realise they aren't your friends, stop treating them like they are and you will have to develop a thicker skin.

Twiddlet · 11/12/2020 22:21

I’d be upset about this too, OP. Sometimes, people exclude managers from social events / social media simply because they feel they can’t be themselves if they feel observed. I’m sure that’s all that it is as you don’t mention having any conflict with them.

shehadsomuchpotential · 11/12/2020 22:27

Unfortunately even as the friendliest most approachable manager you sometimes find people stop talking when you walk into a room. You just have to shrug it off! Comes
With the title. Its a phase and it will pass.

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2020 22:36

Your friends are in a difficult position. If you’ve had horrible meetings with the people they need to work alongside, they won’t want to be targeted because of their friendship with you.

That’s why they’ll have gone along with the secret lunch, rather than because they wanted to exclude you. I bet they’re feeling awful this evening too.

christmasathomeagain · 11/12/2020 22:45

@Serialcatmum My DH was in a similar position 15 years ago. We worked together and had a close friendship group which we socialised with frequently, he was a very popular member of his team. Then he was temporarily promoted and remained so. These friendships quickly fell as they were uncomfortable with hanging out with the boss (he also was involved in another popular member of the team being dismissed but he couldn't help that).

I think it is probably in inevitable. Teams can be friends with management but its more difficult to be friends with management who were previously colleagues. He later got on very well with subsequent 'new' members of the team.

Hairstylisttoboris · 11/12/2020 22:56

Just want to say HI @BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 11/12/2020 22:57

Thank you for your responses everyone.

We were such great friends and socialised / talked every night etc.

Hope things go back to “normal” when I’m not doing this role anymore. I have a small (different) friendship circle outside of work but I spend so many hours at work it’s be so nice to have them there too!

There is one other supervisor at my level @BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit but he’s done this job from the start so never made friendships quite the same way. But he’s genuinely not bothered!

Please please please let my skin get thicker!!!

Appreciate your responses. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Serialcatmum · 11/12/2020 22:58

I’d not thought of it that way @HeddaGarbled. That helps a little. Thank you.

OP posts:
Pastnowfuture · 11/12/2020 23:01

I'm think the social media thing seems fair enough but a christmas celebration that takes place during the working day on work premises should involve the whole team. If they had wanted to celebrate as friends they should have arranged a night out. I think their behaviour sucks. It reflects badly on them but I don't think you should waste your mental energy worrying about it. Try to distract yourself with something lovely. Flowers

BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit · 11/12/2020 23:20

@Hairstylisttoboris

Just want to say HI *@BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit*
Hi right back atcha,

What inspired your latest creation? 🤣

(Sorry OP don’t mean to derail the thread).

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 11/12/2020 23:25

@Hairstylisttoboris and @BorisSortYourHairOutAndBrexit 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Charleyhorses · 12/12/2020 07:12

I would say that being put in charge of the team you have worked in should never happen. For exactly the same reasons you state.
What do you want to do? Go back to being part of the team? When will that happen?

Original poster
Serialcatmum · 12/12/2020 07:38

@Charleyhorses well yes I’d quite like to have my friends back.. we aren’t sure when I’ll stop doing the role yet. I’m covering another person and it depends on her circumstances.

I stepped up to help out as no one else would and to be honest (cringe) I enjoy the role and have really positive feedback from my managers.

I never really considered the impact it could have on friendships as a couple of them even reassured me they knew the role needed doing and felt I’d do a good job of it.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 12/12/2020 07:48

It is rare to be able to maintain the close friendships and be able to manage the same people. The friendship can continue but accepted they will be a different form of friendship.I hated managers who wanted to be mates and prefer professional boundaries, it’s why in some areas the relocate or hire managers rather than hiring from within.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 12/12/2020 08:08

I stepped up to help out as no one else would and to be honest (cringe) I enjoy the role and have really positive feedback from my managers.

It's OK to enjoy doing something you're good at Flowers

Charleyhorses · 12/12/2020 08:14

The reason for the question is really because if you could have one or the other what would you do? Did you have Xmas do last year without the team leader?
If tomorrow you were told the team leader wasn't coming back and you were offered the job, what would you do?

MiniCooperLover · 12/12/2020 08:38

OP I think you have to accept the friendships may never return to how they were and really why would you want them to? They don't sound like they are covering themselves in glory here with their behaviour. Don't hold yourself back work wise in the hope they'll let you back In The gang .....

Nishky · 12/12/2020 08:45

Sorry this is a bit off topic, but always makes me smile, we had a manager who we would invite on nights out and she would politely refuse because she thought it would put a dampener on our night and wouldn’t really relax. Until she fell in love with one of our team. Then we couldn’t get rid of her.

He was then promoted and they married but we still went out together and mocked her for years about her change of heart.

Management is hard and managing friends is even harder. I know it’s easy to say but try not to take it personally- there is every possibility that it relates to the role and not you as a person

Nishky · 12/12/2020 08:46

Sorry - she thought WE wouldn’t relax- not that she wouldn’t

TillyTopper · 12/12/2020 08:56

Stop worrying about your jealous "friends", that's a nasty thing for them to do. My advice would be to use your stand in role as a chance to move up the ladder and concentrate on your career. Good luck and ignore the others - they are not friends if they act like that.

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/12/2020 09:21

Their reaction is extreme. Team parties and lunches in my office include everyone and our senior manager will often go for lunch with our admin clerk, they've worked together for donkeys. It sounds like jealousy.

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