Worrying they all hate me on a Friday night.

[Serialcatmum]

18 months ago I had a temporary promotion. It was supposed to be for a short amount of time but has had to be extended and I’m still doing it. It won’t be forever.

Although I’ve been covering a role within management I’ve tried really, really hard to be totally fair, honest and upfront. I’ve had to do some horrible meetings, but luckily none of them have been with my “friends” and I’ve been totally professional.

I work my arse off to make their lives easier e.g scan and add a missed attachment sooner than asking folk to fix the error etc.

A few blocked me on social media and today I found them all hiding in a room having a secret Christmas dinner together.

Aibu for being hurt and worrying about this on a Friday night?

This is one of those growing experiences, and you shouldn't be looking at this promotion as temporary because now you've stepped up and gained that experience you should be looking at making it permanent even if that means applying elsewhere.

I agree with the supportive comments pp made but we do need to look at the other side too...

Having a (former) friend become a manager can be difficult for the people left behind and it's not just jealousy. You really really do need that professional distance. You know them better than a random manager so they might get paranoid that you would use that personal knowledge against them.

I had to end an acting up because the manager that I promoted had a massive falling out with her team, and your situation sounds similar.

It started because she kept on interrupting her 'friends' smoking and tea breaks to talk about work. When they were all the same level they used to happily go on breaks together and would sometimes talk about work. But she couldn't appreciate how the dynamic had changed, and they stopped letting her know when they were popping out. For them it now felt like she was 'hunting them down' and she was not 'one of them', not really, no matter how many nice little extra things she did.

People need space from their manager, you just can't have your cake and eat it too.

My advice would be to step back and keep your professional distance and especially try not to do things that a neutral manager wouldn't know to do if that makes sense.

I wouldn’t say they were jealous. None of them wanted the role as I had to apply internally for it and I was the only applicant.

A few months ago I was supposed to be finishing the role @Charleyhorses and I was a little relieved but unfortunately the lady who was on maternity leave had a poorly child and things changed again.. I really love the job just such a shame it comes at such a cost regarding friendships. I wouldn’t stop doing to because of this (someone needs to do the job, it’s leave my workplace in a mess and well, I’m doing well in the role) but it definitely puts a damper on it.

Maybe permanent management isn’t for me long term if it’s gong to make me worry so much 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think actually, they need to grow up. They clearly weren't mates really if you getting a temporary promotion is enough to prompt such childish, petty and jealous behaviour.
Do your job OP, hold your head and show what you can do and hopefully the promotion will be permanent. They clearly had seen a safe pair of hands and a good candidate in you.

You've done nothing wrong, the whole nature of employment is that sometimes people are promoted and sometimes they aren't.

Things do change when you become a manager. I stepped away from social things with the "staff" (that sounds awful but hopefully you know what I mean).

However, if they were having a secret Christmas dinner huddle atm, I'd assume it was secret because it shouldn't be happening at all.

This is why my social life does not include people at work OP. My entire social circle is outside of work, I don't have any work colleagues on facebook either. My life is private.
This came in very handy when several of my younger colleagues were extremely disgruntled when I was promoted over them.
I haven't got to worry about not being included or losing friends. I have a good relationship with everyone but there is a distinct line between work and out of work.
But I have to say I think they were extremely rude, I'd never treat a colleague like this - everyone is included.

It’s hard, I stepped up for 18 months (this was permanent) & people were a nightmare to be honest but luckily I wasn’t too friendly with many of them. One of my close ‘friends’ I had to give absence warnings to but she knows the drill & didn’t take it personally. I am a really chilled out, friendly manager most of the time btw - people are just difficult. And yes, one did delete me from Facebook.

I have moved to another department & I’m now managing a team who I have never met before - it’s a breeze good mixture of people. So much easier!

I like people management, I think I’m good at it & enjoy it but yes you need to get a tough skin & definitely ‘easier’ managing people who don’t know you pre-promotion, in my opinion.

I think on the social media thing it's generally not a great idea to have your line manager on your personal account, so try to think of it as them having blocked the role rather than you personally.

The secret Christmas lunch is weird. Did they all just bring their sandwiches to a room and it was secret because they should be distancing? Or did they order in an actual full dinner, so planned in advance and smuggled into the office?

OP, I think you need to stop thinking of these people as friends (how many are we talking about?) and think of them more as people you had a friendly working relationship with which has now changed. An actual friend would be pleased and proud of you for doing so well.

It sounds like you really want to finish this role so you can stop back to where you were and rekindle these friendships. But do you really think you can be the same as you were with them after how they have treated you? (Excluding and blocking you) And how would you feel if your role ends and they maintain their distance and don't become friendly again?

I know it's hurtful, but try and see things differently. You are doing really well in your role, be polite and friendly to them but accept your relationship has changed and concentrate on other friendships.

And if your role does end, consider applying elsewhere to make the most of the experience you have gained, keep going forward, not backwards, good luck.

This is the world of being a manager. To be honest "professional distance" from the team you manage makes it easier when you have to go through processes such as disciplinaries or redundancies.

Reminds me of when Chandler got promoted in Friends...

Rachel: Where are you going?
Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.
Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.
Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
Chandler: You think I should?
Phoebe: I really do, yeah.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.
Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"
Chandler: Then, I don't get it.
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
Chandler: They do?
Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.
Chandler: I just wan't to...
Phoebe: No, but you can't.
Chandler: But I just wa...
Phoebe: Uh uh.

Best bit of advice my dad gave me. "They are not your friends, they are people who you are paid to be with. "

@PutThemInTheIronMaiden OMG 😳 just think that lesson was there for me all along and I just laughed along not realising it was SO true.

The Christmas dinner shouldn’t have been happening due to COVID. We are all supposed to stay in our smaller teams. Looks like they all took some buffet items in each to share. I don’t think they saw me. I just sort of skuttled off...

If I had been acting up for 18 months I would be asking why they had not offered me the job because at the end of it you will have to revert.

I think they did you a favour not telling you about the secret lunch. If you know they are doing something that is not allowed by the company then you have an obligation to stop it. If they got caught and you were either with them or you knew about it then you would be in more trouble than them because you're a manager.

Hope you're feeling better this morning OP?

I also wonder OP if their behaviour is a reflection of them, OP?

I mean unless you've been the Boss From Hell, going to the troubling hiding to have a secret Christmas dinner sounds like something 15 year olds would do. They need to grow the fuck up - it's completely possible to decide to put some distance between your management and you without acting like a dick.

As others have said OP you'd in a really difficult position and I get it's really hard. If you know your acting fairly (Note - this doesn't mean letting bad performance off the hook(, professionally and with integrity, when this blows over (and it will) you can look back and know you did your best. I appreciate it feels worse when you've considered them friends.

@Biscuitsdisappear its someone else’s role. She was on maternity and has an ill child. She intends on returning. There isn’t the opportunity for a 3rd person to do the role 🙂

Apologies for excessive use of OP there, OP

Note to self ... edit before pressing Post.

Maybe they thought because you're the boss you would feel duty bound to stop them meeting in too big a group. I think my boss (and friend) feels a bit like that. She'll always be the one to leave the room when there are too many people in, so nobody else has to.