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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it really irritating when DH says this?

68 replies

ThisIsWhatADayOffFeelsLike · 11/12/2020 09:10

I've booked a day off work today, and DH has spent all of yesterday and this morning going on an on about how lucky I am to have a day off. Lots of "best go to bed then as I've got work in the morning, you're lucky you don't have to" or "I'm off to work now, unlike you, lucky you". At every single opportunity.

It's really starting to wind me up.

Backstory:
My company started wfh a week before the first lockdown, so I have worked all year. He took some time off at the start of the first lockdown while it was up in the air whether he was allowed to work.

During the first lockdown my workload went up massively, and I had to balance that with homeschooling a DS(8) and DD(6). Then mid way through the year I changed job roles, from customer service to IT, so quite a change and a lot of additional training. It's been a hectic year - plus I'm doing an OU degree (things were much less hectic when I signed up to it). I have obviously taken annual leave during the rest of the year, but all of it was taken to look after the kids and give them a break from having to be quiet in the house due to me constantly being on the phone. This is the first day I've had all year that I've taken for myself (I plan to get some blissfully uninterrupted studying done), and I only get part of it to myself anyway because his mum is coming over around lunchtime to borrow our scanner/printer.

As I've started wfh I've taken on all the school runs (we used to share them depending on which shift I worked), all the packed lunch prep, all the dinner prep, and DH frequently calls me during the day to ask me to do stuff around the house (which means me reminding him I'm working).

DH is self employed, he earns more than me per hour, but works less hours so we end up bringing home roughly the same income. But it means that there's always a part of the day where I'm working and he's just sat watching TV or browsing the web. During those times I never tell him how lucky he is to have that time, starting to wonder if I should.

I do get the impression he thinks his job is harder than mine, because it's physical whereas mine is sitting at a computer. But I also know that he tried doing a more junior IT office job than me and quit because he couldn't cope with it - so he clearly wouldn't find it easy at all.

I don't get the impression he is saying I am objectively lucky - I've had a really easy year in comparison to most people, I know I'm lucky in that regard. So that would be fair enough. But because he always pairs it with a comment about how he's working today (until 1.30pm Hmm) it feels like a jibe to make me feel guilty. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 11/12/2020 11:04

What did he say when you explained to him how if makes you feel?

Annasgirl · 11/12/2020 11:15

@DeciduousPerennial

So.......he does fewer hours than you, sits on his arse watching telly or titling about on the internet after he’s done his half days, rings you while you’re working to ask you to do ‘house stuff’, expects you to do ALL the school runs, homework, school prep, and homeschooling during lockdown even though you’re also studying, entertain HIS mother on your day off, AND has the nerve to bitch at you repeatedly for booking this hallowed day off?

Fuck that shit.

Tell him his dinner’s in the dog and to sort himself out pronto or else he’s out on his arse! What exactly is the point of him at this stage?!

This OP x 100

What are you getting out of this relationship at the moment? If you posted on here saying you worked fewer hours, but your DH worked FT and did all the school runs, all the childcare and all the house admin and he was having a half day off to-day - everyone would say you were bonkers.

So, WHY are you tolerating it? What kind of messaging regarding female roles did you grow up with and what message do you want to pass on to your children? And why in the name of God, is he not doing the school run?

Please tell me he comes home on a Friday afternoon and collects the DC from school and gets the dinner. (like an actual partner).

ddl1 · 11/12/2020 11:24

He sounds really annoying.

Brefugee · 11/12/2020 11:25

I've barely found time to study tbh, got 1500 words to write and I'm only up to 400 so far. Going to need to put my foot down on dedicated study time as the course progresses.

I did the OU, starting when my DC were about 12/13. I said that since i needed 16 hours a week, minimum for study, i wouldn't be doing all the housework any more. I offered the 2 DC the chance to take over the cleaning (kitchen, bathroom, dusting, vacuuming) for the same money I'd pay a cleaner (and expect the same standard) which they took up.

I used my lunchbreak at work (we could have up to an hour) to do reading, essay prep, whatever i could (i downloaded the course materials onto a tablet) and on the train. it was a struggle sometimes, but it worked. Any chance of doing any of that?

Mostly your DH needs a kick up the arse.

ddl1 · 11/12/2020 11:26

Chesney, I am really sorry about all you've been through, and having such an insensitive partner.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 11/12/2020 11:29

Oh I hear you! I get this too so don’t tell DH when I’ve booked random days off. He will say “enjoy your day off” on a Monday morning - despite the fact I’ve just finished 3 night shifts in a row.......... after he has sat on his arse all weekend watching sport.

mymadworld · 11/12/2020 11:33

Well he's living the life of Riley isn't he! I absolutely would not stand for him totally absolving responsibility of all parenting duties unless he was out of the house for 12 hours plus a day or I was a full-time SAHM. My dh works odd hours so does sometimes have free time in the day and might just put TV on or surf the web (and I do remember when I was on maternity leave being surprised at how much free time he had!) however when you work out the number of hours he works he does a full-time job but more importantly he does his share of household and parenting chores.

Why does your other half not do some of the school run? if he's self-employed with free time surely he could work the odd day around that? Likewise dinner - why does it fall on you every day?

EKGEMS · 11/12/2020 11:33

@Chesneyhawkes1 If my hubby said any shit like that to me (cancer survivor) I'd lamp him

RandomMess · 11/12/2020 11:50

Big chart up in the kitchen/lounge and start marking out your leisure time (watching TV etc) and yours....

Make it absolutely glaringly obvious who is doing the lions share of it all whilst he sits around on his arse chilling....

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/12/2020 11:56

YANBU but he likely has no idea this irritates you. I’d just have a quiet word with him and let him know how it makes you feel. If he’s a good partner, he will simply stop making those kinds of comments.

I wouldn’t start making comments yourself to him in retaliation. That will just start a race to the bottom of who can pick at and irritate the other the most.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 11/12/2020 12:02

During those times I never tell him how lucky he is to have that time, starting to wonder if I should.

Do it! Also, every time he's sitting around whilst you're working, phone him to give him a housework task to do.

Dinnafashyersel · 11/12/2020 12:02

My DH moans about going to work when I don't have to. Correct response is "sucks to be you" (learned from my 2 teens)

I did get micromanaging phonecalls when we first had DD1 (20 years ago) and he was aware of me being stuck at home with no adult company and few excuses for a break. Eventually we mutually agreed it was better if I managed my own arrangements.

79andnotout · 11/12/2020 12:02

My DP moans because he says I do nothing at work and get paid more than twice as much as him. My answer to him is just 'unlucky'.

ThisIsWhatADayOffFeelsLike · 11/12/2020 12:13

PlanDeRaccordement That's sensible advice, I want to be petty but it won't actually help.

mymadworld On the Fridays he's home early he's started doing the school run, so that's something at least.

Brefugee Studying in my lunchbreaks was the plan, but I've struggled lately, just because the last thing I want to do after studying computing stuff for work is spend my lunch break writing essays. I need to get over that though. I signed up for the course before I got the new job, so didn't expect so much of my life to be spent learning new stuff. My last job I knew in depth, so didn't need the same sort of concentration.

Good news. One essay down - ironically it's about Wollstonecraft and the inequality of the sexes. Seemed easier to write today - far harder to keep within the word limit though Grin

OP posts:
StormTreader · 11/12/2020 13:01

"Every now and then he'll go on about how he thinks he's a bad dad and not as good at parenting as me."

"Thats great that you want to be more involved, I agree it would be good for all of you - you can take over the homework help for starters, I'm going to be busy with my OU course as you know so it's great timing".

ginghamtablecloths · 11/12/2020 13:10

At the very least he sounds like a moaner and that is intensively irritating in my book. So no, YANBU. Take days off on the quiet and make equally annoying remarks to him.

Brefugee · 11/12/2020 17:06

Good news. One essay down - ironically it's about Wollstonecraft and the inequality of the sexes. Seemed easier to write today - far harder to keep within the word limit though

you'll get into a routine, i used to plan way more study time than i needed so i could just stare into space and write loads of SM posts about how behind i was Grin

(nosey now, though - what are you studying?)

Chesneyhawkes1 · 12/12/2020 08:51

@EKGEMS looking back now I don't think he handled the whole thing well at all.

My work were fantastic and gave him 6 weeks off to drive me to hospital and back Monday to Friday. Was a 2 hours plus round trip. So he got an "easy" life too.

I still got up every morning and walked the dogs whilst he had a lie in though. Even the days I was exhausted from it all.

I got the all clear in September and only returned to work this week - shielding and not being able to be retrained due to Covid etc. So I guess in his eyes since September I've been sat at home on full pay cured. But tbh it was nice to have the time to process it all and enjoy having some energy to do the things I wanted to whilst being off work.

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