To find it really irritating when DH says this?

[ThisIsWhatADayOffFeelsLike]

I've booked a day off work today, and DH has spent all of yesterday and this morning going on an on about how lucky I am to have a day off. Lots of "best go to bed then as I've got work in the morning, you're lucky you don't have to" or "I'm off to work now, unlike you, lucky you". At every single opportunity.

It's really starting to wind me up.

Backstory:
My company started wfh a week before the first lockdown, so I have worked all year. He took some time off at the start of the first lockdown while it was up in the air whether he was allowed to work.

During the first lockdown my workload went up massively, and I had to balance that with homeschooling a DS(8) and DD(6). Then mid way through the year I changed job roles, from customer service to IT, so quite a change and a lot of additional training. It's been a hectic year - plus I'm doing an OU degree (things were much less hectic when I signed up to it). I have obviously taken annual leave during the rest of the year, but all of it was taken to look after the kids and give them a break from having to be quiet in the house due to me constantly being on the phone. This is the first day I've had all year that I've taken for myself (I plan to get some blissfully uninterrupted studying done), and I only get part of it to myself anyway because his mum is coming over around lunchtime to borrow our scanner/printer.

As I've started wfh I've taken on all the school runs (we used to share them depending on which shift I worked), all the packed lunch prep, all the dinner prep, and DH frequently calls me during the day to ask me to do stuff around the house (which means me reminding him I'm working).

DH is self employed, he earns more than me per hour, but works less hours so we end up bringing home roughly the same income. But it means that there's always a part of the day where I'm working and he's just sat watching TV or browsing the web. During those times I never tell him how lucky he is to have that time, starting to wonder if I should.

I do get the impression he thinks his job is harder than mine, because it's physical whereas mine is sitting at a computer. But I also know that he tried doing a more junior IT office job than me and quit because he couldn't cope with it - so he clearly wouldn't find it easy at all.

I don't get the impression he is saying I am objectively lucky - I've had a really easy year in comparison to most people, I know I'm lucky in that regard. So that would be fair enough. But because he always pairs it with a comment about how he's working today (until 1.30pm ) it feels like a jibe to make me feel guilty. So AIBU?

Why didn't you put a stop to that after the first time he tried it?

Unfortunately he has had to call because of emergencies a couple of times this year, so I can't just ignore his calls. But I do tell him I'm not doing what he asks if he is calling about housework, doesn't stop him trying it on though.

Does my head in. I've had it most of my maternity leave.

@pumpkinpie01

I'd be really annoyed at those comments , why does he feel it necessary to have a 'who's the busiest/most stressed/ competition' with his wife ! You should be working as a team together. I would arrange for his mum to come round later when he is back so you have more time to yourself.

This made me smile... isn't marriage with kids basically an exercise in competitive tiredness?

My dh is pretty pissed off I'm on mat leave and his is working in a very stressful job. I just smile and nod. After a difficult birth, no sleep, homeschooling etc etc I figure I've earned a few hours of tv here and there!

One day off I would really rub into make him jealous. Sounds like it's not really about one day though but an underlying issue of equality - that you probably need to deal with head on xx

But I do tell him I'm not doing what he asks if he is calling about housework, doesn't stop him trying it on though.

So tell him to stop. 'If it's an emergency of course I will sort it out; otherwise, I'm working, not sitting here waiting to be given jobs in the house.'
If he doesn't understand that he's either very dim or he's disrespectful of your work and your time. Tell him that too.

So.......he does fewer hours than you, sits on his arse watching telly or titling about on the internet after he’s done his half days, rings you while you’re working to ask you to do ‘house stuff’, expects you to do ALL the school runs, homework, school prep, and homeschooling during lockdown even though you’re also studying, entertain HIS mother on your day off, AND has the nerve to bitch at you repeatedly for booking this hallowed day off?

Fuck that shit.

Tell him his dinner’s in the dog and to sort himself out pronto or else he’s out on his arse! What exactly is the point of him at this stage?!

I worked out a long time ago that until l work the same number of days/hours my DH does, he will always believe he is the harder worker . So now l don't even try and explain to him everything that l do as well as my job, because his mind is set. Can't be doing with the competitive thing so let him get on with it

Yes very annoying. Challenge what he says to you by pointing out in the various ways why you dont have it easier. And yes I think you should say "oh sitting on your arse watching tv again , wish I had time for that".

My husband is a bit like that too and I do take him to task over it. One if his annoying habits is that he never uses all his annual leave. He says he doesn't want to use too much early in the year in case he needs it later. But come March his work (accountant, so financial year end) is too busy and he loses all the saved up days. I'm not such a fool and make sure I spread out my allowance but I then get all the "it's all right for some" comments and trying to give me jobs to do (which I refuse if it's not convenient).

I also remind him that chunks of my annual leave cover time off to go to school plays, special assemblies, art days, parents afternoon, children's medical appointments. (He does cover some of these but I have to tell him, then remind him, then remind him again. He is solely in charge of the children's dentistry and laundry though.) Also in November/ December any of my days off are spent stealthily clearing the kids rooms for the onslaught of new stuff, shopping for and wrapping their presents which i can only do when they're not here and which probably to H seems to just happen by magic. I vociferously point all this out!

So annoying! I think at some subconscious level my husband thinks as "the mother" I should want to do all the kiddy stuff and lost the right to enjoy any time to myself once I'd fired the first baby out of my vagina. He hotly denies this btw.

If I were you, I would have just sent your opening post as a message to him rather the posting on mumsnet and I'd have told him to sort his attitude before he came home. Ive got no time for the sort of pettiness he is playing at.

Your husband sounds like an idiot

Firstly it’s hardly a day off if you plan to study so he can’t really say lucky you. It sounds like you’ve had a manic year up to now. I really don’t know how you find the time to study at all. Every credit to you💐

I would just ignore him. Is he trying to get you to take the bait and bit back I wonder. He doesn’t sounds particularly supportive. I makes me appreciate my husband telling me to relax and not run around cleaning etc when I’m off.

He's a dick.
Tell him to get to fuck every single time he rings up about housework.
What the fuck is he doing around the home?

I'm sorry but you are married to a prize prick.

And this: it means that there's always a part of the day where I'm working and he's just sat watching TV or browsing the web. During those times I never tell him how lucky he is to have that time, starting to wonder if I should.
Yes, start telling him how lucky he is to have that time or tell him various jobs which need doing.

Some men don't seem to understand the WFH concept when it applies to women. I had no end of problems with my EX about this. This is why he is an EX thank God. He seemed to think I was sitting around doing nothing all day and therefore should be doing every bit of housework and also sitting around waiting for all the shit he ordered online when part of my job involves going out to clients at various times of the day.

Time for a serious discussion with your DH.

That would piss me off. Not the comment in isolation but the backstory, it sounds like you never stop but he gets chill out time regularly.

Yes you wfh but he has shorter hours so unless his commute is massive, the time you have to yourselves must be around the same...so why are you doing all school runs, packed lunches, kid stuff when you are trying to study as well? Surely he should be doing more so you have equal free time? If he is self employed he should be able to switch things around so he is doing one school run surely and packed lunches instead of watching tv etc

@Chesneyhawkes1

Oh mine does this too annoys me. We both do the same job for the same company.

We are in different locations and the work at mine is seen as easier/better. His life is sooo much harder than mine 😂 it's all I hear.

Plus I've had 8 months off this year, cancer, and he's all like "it's alright for you - you've hardly been at work all year" 🙄 yes I was having a blast during chemo and radiotherapy. Best time ever ....

What the fucking fuck?!?

I think at some subconscious level my husband thinks as "the mother" I should want to do all the kiddy stuff and lost the right to enjoy any time to myself once I'd fired the first baby out of my vagina. He hotly denies this btw.

Yeah, I wonder that about him. Every now and then he'll go on about how he thinks he's a bad dad and not as good at parenting as me. So I think he thinks I naturally enjoy all the childcare. The irony being that I didn't want kids initially as I hate having to be always on, and looking after others. I told him that and he said it'd be ok because he'd do all that stuff.

The thing he never took into account is that being a parent is hard work, he expected it to be fun all the time. I expected it to be hard work, it's turned out more rewarding than I expected.

My "natural" ability is just accepting the hard work to get to the reward bit.

Don't see his mum FFS! Make an excuse!

He sounds like a right twat tbh.

Next time you take time off, don't tell him!

Firstly it’s hardly a day off if you plan to study so he can’t really say lucky you. It sounds like you’ve had a manic year up to now. I really don’t know how you find the time to study at all.

On that note I should study instead of venting on MN! I've barely found time to study tbh, got 1500 words to write and I'm only up to 400 so far. Going to need to put my foot down on dedicated study time as the course progresses.

Thank you all for the advice and support, I feel much calmer than I did at 9am!

My dh does the giving me stuff to do calls yet I remind him that I don't do this while I am at work - I'm far too busy for that anyway so maybe he can't be working that hard?

I work shifts so it's even worse because he doesn't see this morning, for example, as equal to his evening when he will, no doubt, be sitting watching tv while I work til the wee hours.

He is also similar regarding kids' hw but I remind him that no one was born patient and I just get on with it because no other bugger will.

And he's always moaning about his job like mine is never anything to moan about

If you work more hours than him, why are you still doing all the school pick ups etc. Sounds like he could be doing at least half the school runs if nothing else.

But he shouldn't be doing nothing else of course, he should be doing half of cooking, cleaning, stuff for DC, gardening, laundry, house maintenance etc, or maybe more, given that he works shorter hours than you, but maybe accounting for the fact that he doesn't get formal annual leave. Aim for equal downtime. If he's getting blocks of time to sit around watching TV, then you should too.

That would really annoy me.

I had a similar year to you workwise and the kids my responsibility Monday to Friday as dp works away from home.

I finally took time off work 2 weeks ago and when I told dp he was happy for me and said I deserved it after the crazy year weve had.

there's always a part of the day where I'm working and he's just sat watching TV or browsing the web ... he tried doing a more junior IT office job than me and quit because he couldn't cope with it - so he clearly wouldn't find it easy at all.

I'm very sorry he is acting like this. Whether consciously or unconsciously, he is jealous of your capability, the usual tension between brawn and brain work

Nip it in the bud. It won't be fun to share your life with him til this is sorted in his mind. That's where you need the change.

He’s being a bellend.

Does he regularly finish at 1.30 for the day? Or at least in time for the school run? Should he not be doing that and prepping dinner and having a tidy/clean when he gets home rather than you doing all of those things all of the time?

My husband is a bit like that too and I do take him to task over it. One if his annoying habits is that he never uses all his annual leave. He says he doesn't want to use too much early in the year in case he needs it later. But come March his work (accountant, so financial year end) is too busy and he loses all the saved up days. I'm not such a fool and make sure I spread out my allowance but I then get all the "it's all right for some" comments and trying to give me jobs to do (which I refuse if it's not convenient).

My DH does this too. Most years he loses 10 to 15 days. This year he looks to lose 22 days. Its so bloody annoying as we are now child free and, in a normal (non-covid) year we could travel and see a bit of the world as I am semi-retired.

He's being petty and jealous. You need to pick him up on it. It's an unattractive quality in a person. My exh was like this and ruined every birthday I ever had when I was with him because he couldn't bear for me to have some attention or be spoilt.

plus he hates helping them with stuff like homework.

and you love it?

so - MIL comes early - say "you know where the kettle is, I'll be with you at [insert time she's due to arrive] if DH isn't back by then" and then do what you planned to do in that time

yes yes yes to making comments when he's not working and you are

and share out the jobs, ffs, packed lunches, school runs etc etc. Just because it is FH it doesn't make your W any less important than it was before.