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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be a bit miffed about the way my mum was?

34 replies

CardoMondo · 11/12/2020 07:45

Lots of examples but when she split with my dad her only focus seemed to be on finding a new husband. As I said, many examples of questionable choices but I’ll just mention two ...
so she was doing old fashioned pen pal dating (equivalent of online dating back in the day). She met a guy she liked at the other end of the country and went off to stay with him leaving me with my grandma. Not so bothered about that but she did promise she’d be home for my 10th birthday. On the day of my birthday she rang my grandma saying she’d missed the train and wouldn’t be home after all. My grandma went ape shit at her and I was sat on the stairs, on my birthday, crying as I listened to my grandma telling my mum off for dumping me in favour of a new bloke. I know it sounds trivial but it’s always stuck in my head.

Second example - so, this bloke mentioned above didn’t work out as he proudly told my mum that he didn’t want me, he just wanted her. So she started writing to someone else. This progressed to her arranging for him to come and stay with us (baring in mind she had never met him) and she decided he could have my bed and I’d sleep on the couch. Again my grandma went ape shit and my mum decided everyone was against her etc etc. This bloke did come to stay with us, he was awful and promptly started talking about boarding school for me to get me out of the way.

I don’t know ... as I said, too many examples to mention but these two stick out. AIBU to still be thinking about them all these years later? I’m nearly 40 now.

OP posts:
AnaisNun · 11/12/2020 07:49

No, you’re not.
My DM chose men over me my entire life, including staying with an abusive husband who openly loathed me- for 7 years. When I was a teen, there was a revolving door of shit men, including one who drove her to an actual nervous breakdown (including calling me at school making suicide threats) then left me to pick up the pieces. I was 16.

So no. No I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I’m a single parent and I haven’t been on a single date- won’t even look at a man- for this very reason. I dont want DS to ever have a hint of that feeling.

RichPetunia · 11/12/2020 07:50

Easy. Big pants.

RichPetunia · 11/12/2020 07:51

Wrong thread 😁

Original poster
CardoMondo · 11/12/2020 07:52

@RichPetunia

Wrong thread 😁
I thought you were telling me to put my big girl pants on 😂 bit harsh ... I thought ... 😂😂
OP posts:
Original poster
CardoMondo · 11/12/2020 07:54

@AnaisNun

No, you’re not. My DM chose men over me my entire life, including staying with an abusive husband who openly loathed me- for 7 years. When I was a teen, there was a revolving door of shit men, including one who drove her to an actual nervous breakdown (including calling me at school making suicide threats) then left me to pick up the pieces. I was 16.

So no. No I don’t think you’re unreasonable. I’m a single parent and I haven’t been on a single date- won’t even look at a man- for this very reason. I dont want DS to ever have a hint of that feeling.

I’m sorry to read that 😢 see mine seems a bit trivial compared to that. It’s sometimes the little things though isn’t it that chip away at a person’s mental health causing small cracks at the time that get bigger and bigger as the years go on
OP posts:
BefuddledPerson · 11/12/2020 07:56

No, you could be more than a 'bit miffed'.

Your grandma sounds like she called it out at least. Flowers for you.

orangecinnamon · 11/12/2020 08:00

Flowers I think you need to find a way to address your feelings about what happened when you were younger and your relationship with your mum so it is not affecting you so much all these years later. How is your relationship now @CardoMondo?

altiara · 11/12/2020 08:02

I would be more than ‘miffed’ as well. You might be too if it’s still playing on your mind.

You could think about counselling, maybe as a way to accept she wasn’t a mum that put her kids first and there’s nothing you could have done to change it. Flowers

LuaDipa · 11/12/2020 08:09

Yanbu. Thank goodness for your grandma. Flowers

LlamaPjama · 11/12/2020 08:17

Try really hard not to compare what happened to you with what happened to someone else. Both those things are absolutely awful and it's ok to feel "a bit miffed". You need some help to process what happened - it stinks and I'm sorry that you're feeling low

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/12/2020 08:38

You’re entitled to be more than a bit miffed, OP!

Poor you, your DM sounds incredibly selfish. If she wants help when she’s getting old and decrepit, I hope you’ll tell her she forfeited the right to that long ago.

Craftycorvid · 11/12/2020 08:43

You are absolutely entitled to be miffed, nay, hurt and angry. Is there a particular resonance in ‘why now’ with these feelings? Some of them might include reaching the age your mum was when it all happened, issues in your own relationship or having children approaching the age you were then.

Calmandmeasured1 · 11/12/2020 08:44

so, this bloke mentioned above didn’t work out as he proudly told my mum that he didn’t want me, he just wanted her. So she started writing to someone else.
Don't just focus on the negatives. When this bloke didn't want you, your mum chose you over him.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 11/12/2020 08:47

Is your mum still in your life? I can’t understand mums who don’t prioritise their children in situations like this (selfish - ‘I deserve to be happy, the kid will be fine’) the children didn’t choose to be in that situation...

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/12/2020 08:55

Hi Op
Sorry about your childhood experinces you had.
Don't Compare your feelings to another Posters feelings about her childhood experiences..
You and the other Posters both had shit childhood experinces and you both have very valid right to feel the way you both feel..
My advice definitely explore different kinds of therapies that you think would be beneficial towards you,
Such CBT (Cognitive behavioal therapy, hypnotherapy as it works on subconscious mind etc.

Also value your feelings more, I know personally how shit childhood experiences affect your self cofindence, in all sorts of ways such as eating disorder, self harming/risky behaviour such as abusiving themselves through drink/drugs, cutting onself, being acted to Arsehole men in toxic co dependancy relantships or friendships that are toxic dramas in themselves,.

Look after yourself
Such as eating healthy
Appreciating small things that make life worthwhile
Take up personal interests that you are curious about
Walk in nature
Do star gazing
Watch funny good comedy TV shows/comedians
Listen to good music
Try meditation etc
Good luck you are worth it
Take care x

Ilovesugar · 11/12/2020 08:55

None of this is trivial and just because some people have worse experiences than you doesn’t invalid your feelings. (To use an awful analogy someone who was sexually abused once vs multiple times doesn’t have to feel like their experience was anything less just because it was once)

If you think back I think it’s your feelings / how it made you feel rather than just the actions. The fact that you were abandoned and not put first by the person who should have. Anytime someone triggers this feeling you will remember those moments. I would suggest some cbt, therapy or ways of coping with these emotions.
I would very much expect most people to still think about this when they are older if they had a similar experience. I hope you don’t blame yourself for anything as you can’t control someone else’s actions.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 11/12/2020 08:57

Always remember - it was never about you, it was always about her. This was her loss. She missed out so much of your life. I hope your grandma was your rock.

Oooohbehave · 11/12/2020 09:01

YANBU. A decent mother would never prioritise a man over thier children.

Londoncatshed · 11/12/2020 09:01

I think they are awful examples of childhood. Yes, there will be much worse but that’s not really relevant to how you feel. I would definitely recommend talking your feelings through with someone. These sort of let downs, chip away at you and I’m not surprised you are still thinking about it all, years later.

Topseyt · 11/12/2020 09:13

I think "a bit miffed" is probably putting it very mildly.

You have every right to be beyond furious at your mother's shocking behaviour, and to make that clear to her in any way you can if she is still in your life.

Your feelings are valid and significant, as are those of others who had different appalling experiences.

LemonBreeland · 11/12/2020 09:17

YANBU, your Mother was incredibly selfish and only thought about herself.

I have an ex friend who moved in her new bloke with her two kids, only two weeks after she chucked their Dad out. This is the reason she is an ex friend. When you are a parent your kids should be important to every decision you make.

StopGo · 11/12/2020 09:21

My 'D'M was very similar, she left us for her fancy man and never looked back. Now in her 80s she really can't understand why I won't drop everything to care for her.

Smallsteps88 · 11/12/2020 09:22

YANBU

I strongly recommend some counselling to help you work through these feelings and allow you to let them go. For your own sake, you will be much happier if you can do that.

D4rwin · 11/12/2020 09:35

It is very distressing for a child. BUT largely down to societal expectation. Your grandmother made this to be a disaster in your mind, where it might have gone differently too. After all men leave all the time to get a new partner, grandmothers aren't berating them on the phone. Yes, your mother put her needs first. But There are lots of adults who will do this. The thing that is important is to not blame yourself. Just like when parents divorce etc. It can be less of an impact when children are helped to process their hurt and supported to understand it is no reflection of them.

D4rwin · 11/12/2020 09:37

Sorry. I meant to add.. Your mother's codependency problems are hers, not your fault, your grandmother wanted better but perhaps could have tackled a difficult situation differently (though no blame for her hindsight is a wonderful thing!)

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