To still be a bit miffed about the way my mum was?

[CardoMondo]

Lots of examples but when she split with my dad her only focus seemed to be on finding a new husband. As I said, many examples of questionable choices but I’ll just mention two ...
so she was doing old fashioned pen pal dating (equivalent of online dating back in the day). She met a guy she liked at the other end of the country and went off to stay with him leaving me with my grandma. Not so bothered about that but she did promise she’d be home for my 10th birthday. On the day of my birthday she rang my grandma saying she’d missed the train and wouldn’t be home after all. My grandma went ape shit at her and I was sat on the stairs, on my birthday, crying as I listened to my grandma telling my mum off for dumping me in favour of a new bloke. I know it sounds trivial but it’s always stuck in my head.

Second example - so, this bloke mentioned above didn’t work out as he proudly told my mum that he didn’t want me, he just wanted her. So she started writing to someone else. This progressed to her arranging for him to come and stay with us (baring in mind she had never met him) and she decided he could have my bed and I’d sleep on the couch. Again my grandma went ape shit and my mum decided everyone was against her etc etc. This bloke did come to stay with us, he was awful and promptly started talking about boarding school for me to get me out of the way.

I don’t know ... as I said, too many examples to mention but these two stick out. AIBU to still be thinking about them all these years later? I’m nearly 40 now.

Where was your dad? Did you feel abandoned by him as well? As another poster said, your mum put you first when she had to choose between you and the first chap, isn't that a positive to concentrate on?

@CardoMondo

No it’s not trivial at all; misery doesn’t come in hierarchy. I’ve had lots of therapy and am now in a reasonably “good” place with my DM- but I can’t say I’ve forgiven her, and it’s taken 20 years to get here- I totally understand how you’re feeling.

@kursaalflyer

There’s active harm and passive harm.
I internalised my DF’s abandonment as an act of passive harm - he was never a factor in my life, and I didn’t have contact with him. He was only an absence; after he left, there were no “actions” IYSWIM.
When a primary carer- male or female- behaves as my mother and the OPs did, that is often experienced as “active harm”- the actions and choices of the parent are causing direct hurt.
And it takes place consistently over time.

Please don’t try and make an individual’s pain into a feminist debate (as indeed another poster has above) it’s not right.

@AnaisNun Bit of a leap there. Nothing 'feminist' about my post, try reading it in a non-confrontational way.

Bless you. How did it resolve in the end? Did you become a better person as she aged?

Your grandmother sounds great OP. I do think though that a lot of womens' self-worth was placed on whether they had a man or not. My own mother set out to find her new man when she split from my dad and made us move country. Immediately changed her hobbies and interests to match with his. There are some women who can't see themselves as good enough if they aren't wanted by someone. They can't break out of old stereotypes that subjugate women to men, and place the man as the head of the home. What home would exist without a man to dote on? For this reason I really admire single mums and single women who aren't desperate to find someone to be with.

Yanbu - I never understand women that put partners before their children. I’d be very upset too. I think you understand That more when you become a Mother Yourself. my MIL was like that. The stories I could tell you are horrifying. Now she’s dying and others can’t understand why my husband isn’t particularly bothered, and he really isn’t. He and his sister won’t disclose all of the sordid details outside of the family though.

YANBU. This must have been really hard and it is not surprising in the least that you find it hard to come to terms with.

Just to offer what hopefully is a little solace: in both the examples you’ve given, your DM did in the end choose to put you first. I agree it took her too long but eventually she did the right thing. I understand this might be less comforting if there are multiple more examples but I hope it allows you to retain some good feeling towards your DM - resentment is so destructive.

Also, remember that this was never about you or how your mum felt about you. She was insecure and wanted the validation of a man. Because of her own weaknesses she was unable to face life without a man in it. It does not mean she did not love you, but that she was flawed. Your grandmother sounds wonderful so try to focus on how much she must have loved you too.

Finally, it may be that some counselling might be the right thing for you to get some perspective on this and allow you to move forward.

All the very best

My mother was like this. Always had to have a man! My parents divorced when I was 5 (her second marriage) and regularly posted in the classifieds to meet men. I ended up with 2 stepfathers over the years and she was engaged countless times. As soon as one relationship/marriage ended she was on the lookout for the next.

My first step father was abusive. But that was our fault (I'm one of 3 kids). He had extremely strict/controlling rules about how we sat on the sofa, the amount of toilet paper we used and he'd time us every time we took a shower or a crap! Heaven forbid we took too long. But yeah, it was our fault.

Her 4th husband was terminally ill when she was on the hunt for husband number 5. Took a shine to a local councillor and persued him, writing letters and sending him valentines cards! He hung around the house...step dad hated him. When he passed away my mum upped the anti. But it turned out he was after my sister.