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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the rage over this? Nail biting.

27 replies

liveitwell · 10/12/2020 20:47

I'm a nail biter. And a lip picker. Always have been. No idea if it's just habit or anxiety but it's nothing new.

I've been with my partner 14 years and everytime I do it in his company he will make a point of glaring at me and either telling me to stop or making stupid gestures to do it subtly.

His rationale is he hates the noise and doesn't want our kids picking up on it - although he did it well before we had kids.

I get he doesnt like the sound. I get he'd rather I didn't do it. But AIBU to find this rude and controlling? Or is it generally acceptable to keep going on at someone about what is undoubtedly a bad habit? Am I the rude one to do it in front of him when I know it irritates him?

YABU - he is just trying to help me stop
YANBU - it's my right to do it without being judged

OP posts:
Mycircusmymonkey · 10/12/2020 20:51

If you’re making a constant chewing sound then I can see why it bothers him. I think that would drive me mad! How hard are you chewing?
For full disclosure chewing noises are intolerable to me so I may not be a reasonable judge here!

Took · 10/12/2020 20:52

I bite my nails but do it when alone. I hate it when my DC do it in front of me, the noise is horrible!

Just do it when he's not there. My DH hates hearing me bite mine so I simply do it when alone. Seems odd to make it into a thing. You can both be happy in this situation.

PurpleFrames · 10/12/2020 20:53

It's really rude, so what if it makes a noise it's comforting to you... I don't see how humiliating you infront of others would in any way prompt behaviour change anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

SockDrawer · 10/12/2020 20:55

Am I the rude one to do it in front of him when I know it irritates him?

It’s a bit shit of you to consider it your ‘right’ when you know it irritates him.

My DP is a nail biter/picker and the noise makes me feel ill and sets me on edge. So I massively sympathise with your DP.

I assume you’re partly doing it absent mindedly but apart from those times I 100% feel you should save it for when you’re alone.

PlanDeRaccordement · 10/12/2020 20:59

You should try not to do it constantly when in company. It is as annoying as jiggling your foot or wringing your hands or cracking knuckles or sucking on your teeth or picking your nose. It’s a noisy, distractIng and disgusting habit. I say disgusting because what do you do with the bits of nail and lip skin that you bite or pick off? Do you collect them in piles or flick them on to the floor?

SockDrawer · 10/12/2020 21:00

But @PurpleFrames by your logic if it’s comforting to hum to yourself then everyone around you should just have to put up with it? Imagine sitting in the office with a hummer, or trying to watch a film next to them?

Surely the hummer would be the rude person if they’ve been asked to stop but say “no, it’s my right to hum even though I know you find it irritating”?

Original poster
liveitwell · 10/12/2020 21:02

@SockDrawer

I see what you're saying. I guess if he was constantly picking his toe nails I'd probably find it annoying too.

But I've always done it. Surely at some point he should have either accepted it or found it a deal breaker?

I do it absent minded 80% of the time. It's hard to explain the habit to others who dont do it as objectively it's an awful one. My fingers bleed and my lips are dry and flakey. I wish I didn't do it. But I also love it. It relaxes me and feels great in the moment.

I guess I just feel like it's MY habit he should accept it. In the same way I accept that he has bad habits.

But it's good to hear others opinions as it causes bickering quite frequently (especially when I'm anxious and the biting becomes more frequent).

OP posts:
joystir59 · 10/12/2020 21:02

You expect him to desire you when you sit openly chewing your nails in his company? How romantic, not. Did you do that in the early stage of your relationship OP?

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 21:04

My dh glares at me in the same way when I'm picking my toes... I apologise and then start doing quietly until he notices ;)

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 10/12/2020 21:05

If compulsive it can be a sign of OCD.

Took · 10/12/2020 21:06

You've both made it into A Thing. It happens to all couples!
You just need a reset. So he tries to stop the dramatics (making arm gestures) and you try to stop the biting in front of him as much as you can. Just remind yourselves you like each other and can be understanding of the other person. 😆

SockDrawer · 10/12/2020 21:07

But I've always done it. Surely at some point he should have either accepted it or found it a deal breaker?
I assume you have good qualities that outweigh the bad habit. That doesn’t mean he is able to not be repulsed and irritated by it though.

You’re contradicting yourself:
I guess I just feel like it's MY habit he should accept it. In the same way I accept that he has bad habits.
I guess if he was constantly picking his toe nails I'd probably find it annoying too.

Original poster
liveitwell · 10/12/2020 21:07

@joystir59

Yes I've done it since childhood. He's always known me as a nail biter.

We've been together a long time and I'm happy to say he does find me attractive despite having a bad habit. In the same way I find him attractive despite his ailments. Luckily, neither of us are overly shallow in terms of why we love each other and our overall attractiveness.

OP posts:
Original poster
liveitwell · 10/12/2020 21:10

@SockDrawer

I'd find it annoying if he picked his toe nails. But I don't think I'd still be glaring at him 14 years later about it.

I guess we're at a stalemate where I'm not ready to stop and he's not able to ignore it.

Will try to do it out of his sight but the reality of this kind of habit is its very hard to stop and very hard to control.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2020 21:10

Hasn't COVID made a difference? Bleugh to germy fingers in and out of your mouth.

I used to and don't any more. I slap DH's hand away from his mouth when he does it. YABU.

SockDrawer · 10/12/2020 21:11

It's hard to explain the habit to others who dont do it as objectively it's an awful one. My fingers bleed and my lips are dry and flakey. I wish I didn't do it. But I also love it. It relaxes me and feels great in the moment.

He gets no relaxation from it. So you’re basically forcing a situation onto both of you where you’re purposefully damaging your body and he has to witness it.

How would you feel if he peeled his skin off in front of you until he bled? Relaxing? Probably not.

Redlocks28 · 10/12/2020 21:16

I'd find it annoying if he picked his toe nails. But I don't think I'd still be glaring at him 14 years later about it.

I bet you really would.

DH picks and bites his nails-it’s revolting, noisy and really annoying.

Original poster
liveitwell · 10/12/2020 21:19

@Redlocks28

Do you tell him off for it? How does he respond to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
liveitwell · 10/12/2020 21:20

@Took

This is true, thank you :)

Currently 28 wks pregnant though so it doesn't always feel like I like him 😂

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 10/12/2020 21:23

[quote liveitwell]@Redlocks28

Do you tell him off for it? How does he respond to that?[/quote]
I ask him to stop-he generally does.

The kids are really revolted by it and call him out for ‘slurping’ -they hate it more than I do.

Fuckitsstillraining · 10/12/2020 21:27

My husband picks at his nails and I hate it, he has psoriasis and he picks at that also, it's not because its itchy because he only does it when watching tv. I tell him to stop, he stops, then starts again, I tell him to stop or I'm going to sit in another room, this time he actually stops but this is repeated almost every night. We are twenty years together and this is only become an issue in the last few years, he was under a lot of stress and that probably started it but now it's a disgusting horrible inconsiderate shitty habit. I want him to think enough of me to want to stop but I'm still waiting. Going to crochet a few F Bombs to throw at him and see if that helps.

StoneofDestiny · 10/12/2020 21:28

It's not a good habit so if you want to stop have you tried getting gel on your nails done at the salon? Best deterrent there is.

LindaEllen · 10/12/2020 21:29

Sorry, but it's a fucking annoying noise when someone's doing it incessantly. Plus, it's a filthy habit. Imagine how many germs there are under your nails! Buy some of that horrible tasting stuff you put on your nails to make you aware of the fact you're doing it, and you will eventually break the habit. 10 years ago I bit my nails down as far as they could go, and now they're lovely and long.

FWIW, YABU to do anything on a constant basis that you know pisses your husband off.

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2020 21:34

With everyone else here. My daughter does it and it gives me the rage. Dreadful habit. Sorry but I'm on your DH's side on this one. Have you tried Stop n Grow?

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/12/2020 21:37

When I was younger I used to bite my nails right down. When I was a teenager people kept giving me manicure sets, as if that would have any effect. My nails were always bitten.

I don't know if this would help, but now I pick the nail ends, which has got to be quieter. And they grow back quicker so I always have reasonable length ones to pick at. Blush

BTW I wonder if you might like the Sporners Corner board.