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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell me about your lovely MIL

53 replies

FrostedCupcake · 10/12/2020 20:33

I've read so many horror stories about MILs on here, they generally seem like monsters!

My mum is an evil MIL, although totally undeserving in my opinion. My Brother says my mum spends too much time with me and my kids and neglects his. He had his children long before me, my mum tried to help but it was always rejected. In fact it isn't just my mum, it's everyone on our side of the family. My family are wonderful with my children but poor Brother and SIL are hard done by and no one cares. They can't see that they've created the problem for themselves by constantly pushing our family away.

I'm a boy mum and defiantly not having anymore so I won't have a daughter. I know as girls we usually gravitate more to our own mums and I accept that but I hope to be involved and close to them when the time comes.

My MiL is awful. We have very little contact with her and it's been that way since way before I met my husband. So I've never really had my own MIL.

There must be some wonderful MILs out there, what makes them wonderful?

OP posts:

Mary46 · 10/12/2020 20:37

Hi my mil is great. Just no drama nice lady. My own mother is very entitled and hard work. Its draining when they difficult ..

LetMeTryAgain · 10/12/2020 20:45

My MiL has loved me like a daughter for over 45 years - she had 3 sons. She was more help to me when my DD was little than my own mother who worked full time then. I absolutely adore her and have never had a cross word. My FiL was the same - wonderful man. Lost him too soon.
Sadly now she has dementia, but still knows me. I will be heartbroken when she goes.

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/12/2020 21:18

They treat you like a member of the family, are friendly and take trouble to get to know you, they include you in things, they don't make critical comments or try and come between you and their child.

StealthPolarBear · 10/12/2020 21:21

She's just her! Known her for over 20 years,we are family, occasionally she winds me up and I'm sure I do the same. But a lovely person, a lovely mil and a wonderful granny.

maddy68 · 10/12/2020 21:21

Mine was bloody amazing. She died a few years ago. I miss her every day. She was my friend, Ally and the best grandmother known to man. Did she ever piss me off ? Of course, did I ever piss her off? Of course. But we had one thing in common. We both loved her son

TikTokFinger · 10/12/2020 21:22

I would if I had one. I’m not a fan of mine unfortunately.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 10/12/2020 21:25

Mine is an absolute dote.

Honestly the kindest, most positive human being I’ve ever met. Loves her grandchildren like nothing else, and always sees the best in people.

DH has a lot of her good qualities and they’re what I love about him.

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2020 21:26

Mine is amazing.
She is close to my husband, I can call her any time if I need anything. I'm welcome as part of the family and we have a relationship separate to DH being there so I can go out with her 1 on 1.

I couldn't imagine being the type of DIL I see on here who gets into power play with DH about his parents. I see too many posts where it's clear that DIL's family come first, son's family are expected to come last and then when DIL wants something she seems surprised that her husband's parents don't dance to her tune, or worse she isn't bothered about his family but if his siblings have children who do see MiL/FiL then the green eyed monster comes out and she can't stand the fact the in laws provide childcare twice a week.

TheRubyRedshoes · 10/12/2020 21:26

Surely good mils are like good parents who actually get on with and can talk like adults to their children and enjoy their company for socialising?

The ones you feel instantly relaxed and at home with? People who watch their manners, are sensitive, kind, welcoming... Put their dc first.. Respect their choice of partner, realise they are adults and want to do things their way. They don't judge, be critical and cruel.. Don't see their dils as competition, have good relations with their sons...

RhodaDendron · 10/12/2020 21:27

I think I’m quite an awkward DIL and my MIL, who doesn’t have a lot in common with me, has made massive efforts to make sure we have a good relationship over the years. I’ve tried too, and we muddle along as a result, even though we have quite different views and values. She’s upset me sometimes and I’ve probably upset her, but overall I respect her. She gave me cracking advice when I had my babies, far more practical than the unexpected barrage of nonsense I got from my own otherwise wonderful DM.

waitinggame108 · 10/12/2020 21:28

My MIL is great. She has two sons, one of which is my DP.
She confided in me a few years back that she lost a baby girl at 16 weeks after she'd had her boys.
Treats me like a daughter and on the odd occasions my DP has went out of line she's took my side.

FestiveChristmasLights · 10/12/2020 21:29

Mine is lovely. DH’s mum died when he was in his early twenties and FIL then went on to remarry, so perhaps we don’t have any conflict over her son which makes it easier or (more likely) many women aren’t the awful MILs we read about.

TheRubyRedshoes · 10/12/2020 21:29

Lola what a strange post, if your Mil is great be thankful!

The majority of posts I see on here are from distraught women who are many on the brink of leaving their dh because of their mils.
They have wrought pain and havoc on their lives, destroying many precious moments.

VirtualLearning · 10/12/2020 21:34

Mine was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known which she has passed on to her DC too. and when her family were very chatty she always made sure I knew I was one of them and wasn’t left out , even when one of her DC died and they were grieving and I was a bit apart she would check i was ok and bring me in and treat me as hers. I really loved and looked up to her. She once said don’t forget us and we never wanted to as she meant so much - when our first DC was born we travelled across several countries by train so she could meet them at a similar time to my own parents as she was ill then.

My DB has a very close relationship with both his PIL too.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/12/2020 21:34

Couldn’t do it without my MIL. She is the absolute bedrock of the whole family. She is so active and looks after everyone. DH has lots of siblings, and in each family MIL is the person they would all call. She’s no saint, but she is an amazing grandparent and so good at being involved and practical.

Peccary · 10/12/2020 21:35

I miss mine (actually DH stepmum, his mum died young) she was wonderful, full of real grandma skills and just so very kind. I am so sorry she died when DD was just a baby

LolaSmiles · 10/12/2020 21:38

TheRubyRedshoes
I know people with the MIL from hell, interfering, undermining, you name it.

I also know people who routinely expect their husband's family to come last, huge double standards between parents and then have the audacity to complain if they think husband's siblings (who actually stay in touch, see their parents, meet with the grandkids etc) have the tiniest bit of extra support. Naturally if the DiL wrote a thread on here it would be all about the terrible MiL who doesn't bother with their children, with selective omissions.

Same on here. Just one recently where a poster was furious that her sister in law had a hand me down coat from her MIL and had been given money to make renovations to her house in order to provide long term care to her mum. MiL had offered money to an extension for the OP but none of that counted.

101jobs · 10/12/2020 21:44

I am so lucky to have such a lovely MIL. She welcomed me into the family with open arms, treats me as a daughter, is kind and has helped me so much over the years. I call her mum because to me she is a 2nd mum.
Sadly she had a massive stroke 2 years ago and has made a poor recovery. I miss (and treasure) the daily chats we had, meeting for coffee or lunch and just the times we had being together with and without my husband.

Original poster

FrostedCupcake · 10/12/2020 21:56

Ahhh these make me feel better. I agree with those who say in laws are often treated badly (although some MILs I'm sure are awful) l. Certainly the case in my own family. My whole family are wonderful with my boys but Brother and SIL thinks no one bothers. People don't anymore because they gave up trying hard to be a part of their lives. Really sad and everyone misses out.

My SIL constantly moans that no one helps with her children and I'm so lucky to have so much family to help. I just don't see how she can't see the reality that's it's her not them!

OP posts:

hansgrueber · 10/12/2020 22:00

In fact it isn't just my mum, it's everyone on our side of the family. My family are wonderful with my children but poor Brother and SIL are hard done by and no one cares. They can't see that they've created the problem for themselves by constantly pushing our family away.

I often wonder when I read the vitriol poured on MILs by DILs, where her own family is welcomed by the wife and by default her husband. If your brother feels your family is distant with him he needs to blame his wife, not his own family.

PopcornAndWine · 10/12/2020 22:05

My MIL is wonderful. Honestly I think I won the MIL lottery. Just as well as we live next door to her!

She's so kind and generous, she can't do enough for her family. And she's great fun to have a few glasses of wine with too!

saraclara · 10/12/2020 22:10

I love mine dearly. She's wonderful. She taught me everything I know about being a mother, and now, a grandmother. She welcomed me into the family from day 1, and has been nothing but affectionate and accepting throughout. The day that she hugged me goodbye and told me that she loved me, was a moment I've never forgotten.

She is now just a shell of herself due to advanced dementia, and I fear the end isn't far away. But I still love her dearly and I'll still be devastated at our loss.

newrubylane · 10/12/2020 22:14

My MIL is amazing. Since my twins were born (barring lockdown periods) she has come to stay every few weeks for a few days and has helped me enormously - cooking, cleaning, gardening and giving me a break from the little ones. She also helps me with house renovations, makes cushions and helped me get curtains measured and made as I'd never done it before. She is so helpful and yet so careful to never overstep the mark. It's honestly a joy to have her around.

DelurkingAJ · 10/12/2020 22:16

My DMIL is fab. She’s kind and generous and loves my DC. DFIL is possibly the nicest bloke I know, nothing is too much. They don’t overstep (if anything they’re too cautious!). We’ve had the odd disagreement but to be honest DH finds them harder than I do. I do feel lucky. And DH gets on very well with DM and did with DF before he died (a memorable Xmas Eve pub lock-in when we were first going out may have helped).

Original poster

FrostedCupcake · 10/12/2020 22:18

@hansgrueber

I agree! But they just don't see it. Her parents aren't very involved. They told her they won't ever commit to childcare help or babysitting as they want to do as they please which is fine. But just makes it all the more odd why they don't involve my mum yet moan they have no help and everyone favours me. My brother changed when he met her I'm not sure why. I actually like my SIL, we get on well and often do things with the kids together. But she's just awful to my mum. When we're altogether I can see her contempt towards her, eye rolling and sighs. Maybe it's just because it's so different to her own relationship with her parents.

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