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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Christmas Eve?

51 replies

Meanderer · 10/12/2020 18:14

I’m trying to convince my daughter’s Dad to let our daughter spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my more recent ex, and her stepsister? They’re 15/16 and really close. He thinks she should be with either him or me on Christmas Eve/morning magic of Christmas innit and is digging his heels in. I get that it matters to him, but I want the girls to have fun, it’s not really about us is it? The three of us will be having Christmas dinner at his house, stepsister invited but might not be able to. Maybe IABU maybe he is maybe neither?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/12/2020 18:16

At that age where does she want to go?

speakout · 10/12/2020 18:18

I would be a little sad that my 15 yo DD wanted to spend christmas with some random man and not a parent.

YesMeLady · 10/12/2020 18:18

Can you mix households like that at the moment

Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 18:18

I suppose if you alternate and take “turns”, and this is your year, and you’re happy for her to go then it’s your decision not his.

However, as a divorced parent myself, I’m happy to come second to the other parent, but wouldn’t want to come second to another person. I think both Xmas Eve and the overnight is too much. Why can’t she go over for Xmas Eve and be picked up by her dad about 22:00?

PugInTheHouse · 10/12/2020 18:18

I agree with Sirzy, where does she want to go. I would let her decide at that age.

Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 18:19

@speakout

I would be a little sad that my 15 yo DD wanted to spend christmas with some random man and not a parent.
A bit harsh - this “random man” may have been her stepfather for 15 years (though I doubt it’s anything like that long).
PugInTheHouse · 10/12/2020 18:19

Its not a random, its her step sister.

I didnt think of the mixing households, in that case it would be a no although it is complicated if you are seeing family as is her dad, it makes your bubble way too big.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 18:20

He's being a dick. She is old enough to have a sat in what she wants to do.

Why does he get a say in this anyway? Does she live with him?

katy1213 · 10/12/2020 18:21

It's her choice. And how starry-eyed is she likely to be on Christmas morning at that age?

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 18:22

I don’t think you should try to convince him of this. She’s his daughter. She’s (I assume) the 15 year old? And it’s his ‘turn’ to have her with him? Next year it’s up to her. This year she’s a child so should do what the parent who has residency with her on the day says.

speakout · 10/12/2020 18:30

So a 15 year old doesn't want to spend christmas with her mother or her father- instead she wants to spend it with her mother's ex boyfriend.

Way off kilter for me.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 18:31

That's not how I read it @speakout, it sounds to me like she wants to spend it with her stepsister.

speakout · 10/12/2020 18:39

her stepsister.

Her "Ex stepsister"

CodenameVillanelle · 10/12/2020 18:40

@speakout

her stepsister.

Her "Ex stepsister"

Kids don't tend to view relationships that way, thankfully Just because the parents have separated doesn't mean the girls stop feeling like step sisters
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2020 18:40

I’d be very upset if my fifteen year old didn’t wish to spend Xmas with either of her parents, is this what she wants? And why?

HolyBuckets · 10/12/2020 18:43

If she's 15 I think it should be her choice.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 18:45

I admire you for being OK with this OP because I'd find it really difficult myself if my child wanted to spend Xmas eve and day with my ex, even if I knew it was really about her step sister.

I'd like to think I would let her go where she really wanted to be, without worrying or feeling guilty that she was letting her parents down.

Do you think her dad will make her feel guilty or be shitty with her if she stays with step-sister on Xmas eve? If he can be relied on to be nice regardless then I'd encourage him to be the bigger person - next year might be completely different, but she'll doubtless remember "That xmas when I wanted a sleepover with Jenny and my dad wouldn't let me" and be resentful.

It's a minefield and I don't think anyone's really being unreasonable - these things are always going to be difficult to navigate.

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 18:46

That xmas when I wanted a sleepover with Jenny and my dad wouldn't let me" and be resentful.

Christmas is the one night of the year when you don’t have random sleepovers. If she resents this it’s not her dad’s fault.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/12/2020 18:46

And yes, your relationship might have ended but if the two girls remain close friends then that is something valuable and to be encouraged.

Superstardjs · 10/12/2020 18:47

It's hard enough to not see your child for Christmas, let alone to know you'd been bumped for a third party.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 18:52

Am I reading this differently to others?

The way I read it is the daughter would be with the ex and step sister on Christmas morning, and with her mum and dad for Christmas dinner. It's not that she won't be spending Christmas with her family at all.

speakout · 10/12/2020 18:53

And yes, your relationship might have ended but if the two girls remain close friends then that is something valuable and to be encouraged.

But a sleepover on christmas rather than with her parents?

I would be very sad about that.

speakout · 10/12/2020 18:55

Look at if from the girl's father's point of view.

Say you had a daughter who was choosing to spend christmas eve and christmas morning withh your ex husband's ex girlfriend.

How would you feel about that?

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 18:58

The way I read it is the daughter would be with the ex and step sister on Christmas morning, and with her mum and dad for Christmas dinner. It's not that she won't be spending Christmas with her family at all.

But the mum and dad aren’t together. I don’t read it that they’d be eating as a family.

rawlikesushi · 10/12/2020 18:58

I agree with her dad I'm afraid.

I'd be sad if my dc wanted to spend such a significant day with the other parent, but devastated if they wanted to spend it with their mum's ex boyfriend.

Plenty of other opportunities to have a sleepover with her ex stepsister, maybe NYE.

And in a few years she'll be an adult and can do what she likes.

But right now yes I'd want her with a parent and it's really quite sad that she doesn't want to imo.