Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Christmas Eve?

51 replies

Meanderer · 10/12/2020 18:14

I’m trying to convince my daughter’s Dad to let our daughter spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my more recent ex, and her stepsister? They’re 15/16 and really close. He thinks she should be with either him or me on Christmas Eve/morning magic of Christmas innit and is digging his heels in. I get that it matters to him, but I want the girls to have fun, it’s not really about us is it? The three of us will be having Christmas dinner at his house, stepsister invited but might not be able to. Maybe IABU maybe he is maybe neither?

OP posts:
ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 19:00

@flaviaritt

The way I read it is the daughter would be with the ex and step sister on Christmas morning, and with her mum and dad for Christmas dinner. It's not that she won't be spending Christmas with her family at all.

But the mum and dad aren’t together. I don’t read it that they’d be eating as a family.

You might be right, but op says

The three of us will be having Christmas dinner at his house, stepsister invited but might not be able to

Who owns the house? I read it as the father, hence why stepsister is invited, but it might be the ex? That would change my point of view if it was the ex, and the father wasn't seeing her at all.

GiraffeNecked · 10/12/2020 19:04

I’d let her go where she wants to. Then Christmas Day at home. She’s old enough to choose. And it’s not a random sleepover it’s her stepsister.

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 19:06

The three of us will be having Christmas dinner at his house, stepsister invited but might not be able to

Ah yes, I missed that. Still, if it’s his Christmas Day it’s up to him.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 19:10

Still, if it’s his Christmas Day it’s up to him

You don't think someone of 15/16 has a right to a say?

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 10/12/2020 19:11

I think YABU but only because I’d feel the same as your ex (your daughter’s dad) if one of mine wanted to spend Christmas with his most recent ex gf and her kid.

user1481840227 · 10/12/2020 19:25

When you say stepsister and that they are very close......did they grow up together as step-siblings? or is it more like a best friend thing?

user1493413286 · 10/12/2020 19:29

I’d want my DD to be with me or her other parent at that age; there aren’t many more Christmas mornings before she can make her own plans. I don’t think it’s her choice as many teenagers would chose to be other places on Christmas Day and I doubt their parents would all say it’s their choice

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 19:33

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse

At 15 my kids will sleep where I say. I would usually say yes, but if I didn’t then no, they don’t have a right to a say. This is her dad’s call.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 19:35

This is her dad’s call

Why? Why isn't it her mums call?

Sally872 · 10/12/2020 19:35

When does she spend Christmas with her dad in this scenario?

Yr 1 step daughter with her mum
Daughter with you

Yr 2 step daughter with her dad
Daughter with ex step dad

It is unfair to expect dad never to spend special occasions with dd.

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 19:37

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse

Presumably if this was up to her mum she would already have said yes. I am assuming some sort of alternating arrangement with Christmas morning. The fact that she has to persuade the dad suggests it’s his ‘turn’ and therefore his decision.

NewYorkNewYorkNewYork · 10/12/2020 19:39

This really depends on how out your DD is. If she's 15/16 then she's old enough to pick for herself where she wants to spend it. If she's 5/6 then I think you need to working with her other parent to come to a decision together

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 10/12/2020 19:40

Ah OK, so it's her dad's call based on information we don't have and can only guess at.

Fair enough.

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 19:41

Ah OK, so it's her dad's call based on information we don't have and can only guess at.

Well I have asked her. The OP can choose to answer that or not. But common sense says she wouldn’t be asking him if it was up to her.

Returnofthemaccys · 10/12/2020 20:10

I'm sorry but I agree with him.

She belongs with you, not your ex and his unrelated child.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/12/2020 20:13

I’m with her dad too. She is a child so should be with a parent for Christmas not the ex boyfriend and his child. I wouldn’t class them as step sisters as it doesn’t sound like the short relationship led to marriage.

Bikingbear · 10/12/2020 20:24

I'm with her Dad.
How would you feel if she wanted to spend Christmas Eve get up on Christmas morning with your Ex husband's, ex?

Nottherealslimshady · 10/12/2020 20:28

I agree with her dad.
How many kids would love to have a sleepover with their best friend on Christmas eve?! It would be amazing. But not many parents would be happy with that

BruthasTortoise · 10/12/2020 20:36

I think it really depends on if your DD views your ex as a parent and his daughter as her sister. If she does then I'd make it work and allow it. If its just that she wants to spend Christmas Eve with a friend then it would be a no. FWIW I've been a step parent for 15 years and I'd nearly 100% guarantee that, if I were to divorce, my DSS would want to spend Christmas with me rather than my DH or their DM.

CantBeAssed · 10/12/2020 20:48

Im with dad on this one...i'd be totally gutted if my 15year old dd didnt want to spend christmas morning with parent(s).. you would think from a nostalgic prospective she would want to...bit strange she would prefer to spend it with a friend..cuz really thats what ex step sister isConfused

Bourbonbiccy · 10/12/2020 20:59

I would lean towards agreeing with the father but I would be really upset if my child wanted to spend Christmas Eve with someone other then me or his father.

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/12/2020 21:10

I think let her decide. Christmas can be hard for children of awkward family situations. And putting loads of pressure on someone to have a great Christmas with parents is a surefire way of ruining it for them. The magic of Christmas is over by 15, especially for a child who's had 3 different families over the years. Parents chose to break up the family home, I don't see why they should feel they can force their daughter to play happy families if she would rather have a break from it.

Original poster
Meanderer · 10/12/2020 23:28

OP here - Thanks everyone I really appreciate all your perspectives Smile We do take turns and officially it’s actually his this year but at the time of this conversation we both thought it was mine - I put him right on that and he says it doesn’t matter about that either way especially with things so weird this year. He just wants her at his or mine. We’re pretty amicable so we do try to find agreement on stuff like this rather than pull ‘it’s my turn’ rank.
The girls are both ‘onlies’ and have thought of themselves as sisters for about 5 years- my stepdaughter sadly lost her mum a few years ago, they’ve been through a shitload together so are very close.
We (three adults two children) have operated as a bubble throughout lockdown.
So yeah Xmas dinner with my daughter and her Dad is a definite.
I do see how her staying at the ex’s might hurt a lot. He’s done a lot of ‘being the bigger person’ since we split up several years ago so I guess it makes sense to let this go. He’s not being deliberately mean, at worst a little bit self centred and probably unrealistic maybe but I do get it.
I will have the girls over to mine Christmas night if stepdaughters Dad oks it, that can be their/our crimbo fun..
I think the girls will be disappointed but this convo has helped me to feel I think I can break the news without being grumpy about it.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/12/2020 23:39

@speakout

I would be a little sad that my 15 yo DD wanted to spend christmas with some random man and not a parent.
This.

Christmas is for family. She can see her friends any other day

user686833 · 10/12/2020 23:53

A lot of false assumptions here, like ex boyfriend of yours is 'some random bloke' and that it must have been a short relationship, and it being a 'sleepover with a mate'.

My assumption was that your daughter has grown up with the ex step sister for many years and as such has a close sibling relationship and that her Christmas memories are tied in with that. You've come back to confirm this. If your daughter was 7 and had many more childhood memories to make I wouldn't agree to it, but at 15/16 she isn't a child any more, she is a teenager and quite old enough to make her own decision on this and celebrate Christmas morning with the only sibling she has. I think your her father is being really unreasonable about this. Especially considering your ex is open to having her.

I think she's too old for dad to make this decision for her.