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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has anyone found anything that gets their child to do things around the house?

30 replies

StubbornChild · 10/12/2020 17:06

DD aged 6.

Won’t put her toys away, won’t make her bed, won’t take her plate to the kitchen after eating (table in living room it’s not a long walk less than a few 100m, won’t fill her own cup from the tap, will refuse to use the toilet if she has the chance.

Nothing works to make her do these things. Not reward charts, not bribery, not losing toys or rewards, not offering to pay her money, turning off the tv and taking away her tablet just means she sits on the floor doing nothing. Nothing at all works.

She can do all of these things, she uses the toilet fine at school, she fills her water bottle at school with a little help to get the lid off, carries her tray from the table to the trolley next to the kitchen at school (pre-covid, now they have to carry their trays to the classroom door). She refuses to do them at home though.

I am lost as to what to do to get her to do them. School have said she’s a bit immature but nothing worrying (she’s year 2). She does have a couple of diagnosed medical conditions that affect her mobility and eye sight but they don’t make her incapable of doing any of the things I’ve listed.

It’s just me and her at home, no siblings. She sees her dad but only EOW.

Any ideas to make her do these things? Or is it just a case of battling through until she’s older?

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 10/12/2020 17:09

I tell rather than ask. That way it's not a negotiable request.

Original poster

StubbornChild · 10/12/2020 17:10

I've tried telling her, she shouts no and says she won't do it. She'd rather sit in a room with no toys than put them away after she's played with them.

OP posts:

LutinDeSapin · 10/12/2020 17:13

She's 6.why are you trying to bribe/pay her? Help her, stop turning it into a battle.

Original poster

StubbornChild · 10/12/2020 17:16

If I help her I end up doing it and she just stands there refusing to help. She literally will not do anything.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 10/12/2020 17:21

She understands the rules at school and follows them fine. She knows she has to do certain things and that the teacher won't do them for her. If you give in and she doesn't have to do them, she won't make the effort.

merryhollybright · 10/12/2020 17:24

LutinDeSapin Help a six year old put her plate on the side and wipe her own bum? Really?

OP I have a DD5 and have found when her behaviour goes a bit off talking to her teacher about it helps (or threatening to). So if she refuses to do something "oh well you'll be very embarassed tomorrow when I have to tell x that you can't use the toilet at home."

She's six, old enough to help out and it sounds like she's just being stubborn/lazy. As long as she's not overtired and stroppy from school she absolutely should be having her fair share of age-appropriate chores by now.

Original poster

StubbornChild · 10/12/2020 17:29

@merryhollybright

LutinDeSapin Help a six year old put her plate on the side and wipe her own bum? Really?

Thank you I'll try that

OP posts:

Pythonesque · 10/12/2020 17:32

It sounds like she thinks she has the choice to not do them at home, and knows she doesn't have that choice at school. So how can you change her perspective at home?

I too was going to say, try to cultivate the expectation that she will do things, make it matter of fact and routine.

However, it's hard to get from here to there if she's good at resisting :)
Keep things reasonably easy, but also focus on giving her opportunities to make good and/or safe choices. So "are you going to take your things to the kitchen now, or put your toys away first?" perhaps- always give two choices that you are happy whichever one she does. And then stick to that if she tries to resist. " You can do A, or B, which is it?" Good luck.

picklemewalnuts · 10/12/2020 17:32

The things you are doing are punishments. What you need is natural consequences.

Name her plate, glass etc with a sharpie. It needs to be back in the kitchen for washing at the appropriate time. If it isn't, then there's no plate for her dinner. She'll need to fetch it and wash it.

picklemewalnuts · 10/12/2020 17:35

If you pick up her toys, put them somewhere unlikely.
If she wants a drink she can get it herself.

Take all the anger and punishment feeling out of it. It's just the result of not doing things.

I pile up all the left about belongings at the child's place at the table. When it's dinner time, they are faced with their pile instead of dinner. Quick sprint to put it away and make space for their dinner.

Proudboomer · 10/12/2020 17:43

Stop asking and tell her. If she refuses to put toys away pick them up and take them away. If she wants to sit doing nothing let her as the novelty will soon wear off.
Won’t fill her cup then no drink.
Won’t take her plate back to the kitchen well no taking her plate out the kitchen. If no table already in there get a small child’s plastic table and chair and she eats at that in the kitchen.
Won’t make her bed well just leave it as no one died from sleeping in an unmade bed. Just shut the door on her room.

LuaDipa · 10/12/2020 20:06

No advice but just wanted to say that I think you are doing the right thing encouraging her to help now. My dd age 12 will often still ask me to get her a glass of water. Obviously I refuse and tell her she is perfectly capable of running the tap herself. She is a lovely girl, but we have allowed her to do nothing and it isn’t fair on any of us.

miserableannie · 10/12/2020 20:12

Tell her not ask her. Brat

Retiremental · 10/12/2020 20:12

So when she refuses to put toys away, how is that resolved?

revolving · 10/12/2020 20:25

@miserableannie

Tell her not ask her. Brat

This is not helpful is it.... kids are creatures of habit, I have 3, older now at 16,14 and 10 and guess what they still don't like doing things, but over time it's about drawing a line with them and making boundaries. Actions have to have consequences, the teacher idea is perfect, kids have a healthy fear of teachers when they are younger... my car rear mirror had a camera direct to the headteachers office in the early years

LutinDeSapin · 11/12/2020 13:39

What happens if you ask her to help you?

For the table stuff, when you sit down "oh mummy forgot to get her water, would you get me some please?" Pick up her plate and cup "oh could you help me please, can you bring my plate over?"

My DC are very much more open to helping by doing things for me rather than doing what I tell them to do.

I still think it's a bit harsh to expect a 6 year old to make a bed. My 8 year old still can't manage the duvet and has only just learnt how to put the sheet on. At 6, she was only doing the pillow cases and helping me to strip it.

NoEffingWay · 11/12/2020 13:47

I give choice in my asking i.e do you want to put your toys away or make your bed? I don't give the chance for a 'no'.

I will then do the other task and help out. There's a decent amount of emphasis on how it is nice to live in a nice house.

I will talk through the benefits of preparing and being calm. For example, I will always get up 15 minutes earlier than I need so we aren't in a rush. DS has learnt to do the same, and so there is time built into the morning to make beds. I have taught him 'little and often'.

It didn't happen overnight, but over a period of a few years. He gets no screen time and isn't allowed to play when there are jobs to be done, so the reward for him is getting to do what he wants, and he has learnt that 10 mins of chores saves having to spend half of Saturday doing it (and yes, I did grit my teeth for a week once to prove that point!)

I always say 'thank you' and give lots of praise when he does things unprompted.

Bubblebox · 11/12/2020 13:50

I really don't like it when parents use me as their child's teacher to make them behave at home. Please don't do that.
I get parents either using me as the bogey man to scare kids into doing things or coming and telling tales on their own offspring. I end up standing there wondering what exactly they want me to do.
All it does is undermine your own authority as their parent.

minipie · 11/12/2020 13:53

I take an approach of “if you won’t do the things I ask, I won’t do the things you ask”.

So if DD says no to doing something like carrying over her plate, it’s simple, I won’t help her next time she wants something from me. Obviously she wants a lot more from me than I want from her so this works pretty well...

My eldest was very very stubborn around this age, her teachers even commented on how bad she was at helping to tidy we had to do a real campaign on it. She’s now 8 and far far better. Keep persevering!

JustinOtherdad · 11/12/2020 14:01

Setting a good example and asking nicely sometimes works. My 13yo sometimes surprises us with spontaneous help but I've found bribing or telling has no effect whatsoever.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 11/12/2020 14:06

Mine doesn't have to do anything around the house.. but until they're done, no ipad, phone, PlayStation. Usually gets done pretty quickly.

Also 6yo. Nothing major just make the bed, clothes in washing basket, tidy room etc.

BerthaBlythe · 11/12/2020 14:16

Refusing to use the toilet really jumps out for me here. And you’ve mentioned that she does in school so I’m guessing that wasn’t a throwaway line.

Schools aren’t particularly good at spotting SN unless they significantly impact in the classroom. There could be an element of something like asd here - specifically pda which stands for pathological demand avoidance. Obviously no one can armchair diagnose, but the suggestions above are not effective or appropriate if there’s more at play.
some resources here

JillofTrades · 11/12/2020 14:16

My 4yo ds does all of it and is so very helpful. For him its just normal. When I began teaching him to do it, I initially gave him a choice of what he wants to do first/which part does he want to do. So he was still doing it either way. Then eventually I told him he had to do it by himself. Your dd needs to know their isn't a choice about it. If she won't do something then don't do it for her until she suffers the consequences.

Camomila · 11/12/2020 14:32

She does have a couple of diagnosed medical conditions that affect her mobility and eye sight but they don’t make her incapable of doing any of the things I’ve listed

Might she be exhausted after working extra hard to do everything well at school? DS1 (4.5) is generally quite helpful but sometimes after school he's just one hangry weepy tantrum tbh.

I'd start be seeing if she'll do some stuff on a weekend morning (when she should be most rested energetic)

Otherwise I tell DS1 that no one likes tidying up but we all have to do it because we all live in the house.

BoyTree · 11/12/2020 14:34

Had she said why she won't do these things? My youngest started refusing to get himself drinks and it turned out he was scared of dropping an open cup while waking to the table, so it was easily resolved but he didn't actually mention the reason until I specifically asked him. Her reasons might not make sense to you, but they might give you some insight into what might help encourage her or an alternative approach that might work.

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