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Original poster

Being told "to smile"

35 replies

MsHedgehog · 10/12/2020 14:32

I'm a mid-level lawyer in the City, specialising in a sector that is very male dominated. It means I'm often the only female in meetings and events, and I often have to deal with opponents and clients speaking over me, or disagreeing with my advice until a male colleague says the exact same thing.

I'm used to it. I actually quite enjoy using lines like "can you please show me the same level of professional courtesy I am showing you and let me finish what I am saying without interrupting or speaking over me" or making a point that I already said what a male colleague repeated.

I can handle all of that.

But today, at the end of an hour long conference call with a client, where everyone on the call was a senior male manager in that organisation, one of them ended the call by saying "smile MsHedgehog".

Urgh! I can handle the situations I've explained above and have come into my own, but being told to "smile" just felt degrading!

Just needed a rant...

OP posts:
Dobbyismyfavourite · 10/12/2020 15:57

What really pushes my buttons is when an older man comments "smile love it might never happen". This has happened after a bereavement and failed IVF. Always an older man never a woman its as if all woman are good for is to be pleasing on the eye. To honest what I really wanted to say was F off but both times I just replied "it just has" as I didn't have the energy to engage with them.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 10/12/2020 16:00

Is a said ‘after you’ whilst muttering ‘fuck off’.

The last person who said that to me chose the wrong day - it was the morning after my mum had died suddenly (late night) and I was in a bit of a daze, looking after DS. He was a manager In a small shop - so rude as well as obnoxious and got the full hairdrier treatment from me.

user8888 · 10/12/2020 16:01

Would they ever dare to say that to a man!!

TyneTeas · 10/12/2020 16:03

This on being told to smile is one of my favourite things

OrigamiOwl · 10/12/2020 16:03

@user8888

Would they ever dare to say that to a man!!
Nope, they absolutely wouldn't.
changedmynameforChristmas · 10/12/2020 16:04

It's a put down by men reserved especially for women when the woman has proven herself to be a good adversary.
Tell him you only smile on Sundays

Frangipaniflower · 10/12/2020 16:09

No they would never say it to a man. I used to cover a reception desk at lunchtime and would carry on with my work on the computer and random staff would walk past and say 'cheer up'. Did they expect me to sit smiling at my screen?!??!

withlotsoflove · 10/12/2020 16:12

I get this at work ( customer services) even if l polite and helpful. If the smile isn’t big enough - for them.
I turn the tables and make a MASSIVELY suggestive smile / while leaning forward.
They leave quietly and ☺️ 😡
Idiots!

alexdgr8 · 10/12/2020 16:14

how about, with an absolutely straight face, and quite matter of fact, saying,
oh, i grew up in canada, i only smile when i'm having an orgasm
should i change that over here ?

insert any place name desired. norfolk might do, or slough.

Original poster
MsHedgehog · 10/12/2020 22:51

Thanks, everyone.

I've had the "smile" from strangers (always men) before, but it was the first time it happened in a professional setting, so it completely took me by surprise!

As a PP said...they would never dare say it to men!

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 10/12/2020 22:54

I bloody hate it. It's so ignorant of the person saying it, they don't know what's going on in your life. Besides I'm not even sad it's just how my face looks. Last time a man on the street asked me to smile I just told him to shut up and carried on walking

Chimeraforce · 10/12/2020 22:57

I got this ALOT as a younger woman. I hated it. Who smiles on command?
Last 20 years nobody bothers me or makes stupid comments. I'm older uglier and give out a fuck off vibe. Life is easier now I'm not expect to please people.

Jenifirtree · 10/12/2020 23:00

Its fucking rude and unprofessional. Was it a colleague? Can you complain?

I love the adult wedneaday addams youtube clip on this very topic.

Comtesse · 10/12/2020 23:36

A client! Cheeky bugger! Put an extra hour on your timesheet in (minor) recompense?

EBearhug · 10/12/2020 23:41

Who smiles on command?

I can smile on command. It's not a smile they'll like, mind...

SebastianTheCrab · 10/12/2020 23:44

Next time you see him please say it back to him!

dentydown · 10/12/2020 23:50

@Comtesse perhaps she should log it as “smiling” as well Grin. Charge it to the account, with “client told me to smile, smiled for 15 minutes”

Original poster
MsHedgehog · 11/12/2020 00:03

@Comtesse @dentydown

Oh I like it! Perhaps I should charge it as "reviewing my smile as per client's instructions"

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 11/12/2020 00:17

@TyneTeas that’s brilliant!

Vinnipeg · 11/12/2020 01:11

Would they ever dare to say that to a man!!

Nope, they absolutely wouldn't.

I'm male and have been on the receiving end of this at least twice (including the 'it might never happen' variant on a day where it absolutely had happened). Strangers on both occasions, one male, one female.

Googling the 'it might never happen' version also returns an article from a male journalist, complaining about the phrase, as one of the first results.

All to say, I'm not sure its not necessarily as gendered as PPs think. Haven't exactly conducted a survey though.

Comtesse · 11/12/2020 08:50

Did anyone evey say it to you in a meeting though @Vinnipeg? When you were there for your brains (and already feeling like a bit of an outsider) but the person paying the bills said they wanted you to look nice as well? To imply your work was not enough without the right emotions and aesthetics?

Idiots in the street is one thing, but idiots in the board room? That’s another level of disappointing.

user1493413286 · 11/12/2020 08:58

I hate this; it’s always men and older ones I find. I went on a training course where this generally irritating man told me to smile and I snapped at him “excuse me what business of yours is it if I smile” he acted like I was over reacting but I was really annoyed. Similarly I work in a female dominated work place and every so often an older man will call us girls...umm not appropriate

MessAllOver · 11/12/2020 09:17

Totally agree, OP. I like some of the suggested responses here. Might make a list. My preferred option (though probably best for random men on trains, not colleagues/clients):

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking...About what to do with the body. He used to tell me to smile too. What do you use to get blood out of carpets?"

IdblowJonSnow · 11/12/2020 09:27

I would just stare back without smiling, without responding to that comment.
Frustrating as hell.
Once you're over 40 you'll stop getting shit like that. In the meantime practice some responses.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 11/12/2020 09:52

I remember once I was in a large shopping centre and a man selling RAC roadside assistance told me to smile as I walked past. I gritted my teeth but carried on walking. I'd had an awful day at an awful job and I really did look glum and didn't want or have the energy for an argument.

Then he asked if I wanted to purchase RAC cover and when I said I'd already had cover with them he replied "Good girl"

I totally flipped out at him. I told him in no uncertain terms that telling a lady to smile was bad enough but following it up by calling her a girl was all kinds of misogynistic, whether conscious or not. He absolutely panicked and apologised