Being told "to smile"

[MsHedgehog]

I'm a mid-level lawyer in the City, specialising in a sector that is very male dominated. It means I'm often the only female in meetings and events, and I often have to deal with opponents and clients speaking over me, or disagreeing with my advice until a male colleague says the exact same thing.

I'm used to it. I actually quite enjoy using lines like "can you please show me the same level of professional courtesy I am showing you and let me finish what I am saying without interrupting or speaking over me" or making a point that I already said what a male colleague repeated.

I can handle all of that.

But today, at the end of an hour long conference call with a client, where everyone on the call was a senior male manager in that organisation, one of them ended the call by saying "smile MsHedgehog".

Urgh! I can handle the situations I've explained above and have come into my own, but being told to "smile" just felt degrading!

Just needed a rant...

@dobbyismyfavourite I'll never forget a client who came into work 2 days after MIL passed away suddenly, and said to me "cheer up, nobody died!"

"why?" can be a good response. Puts the focus back on them rather than you and let's them squirm.

It’s sexist and misogynistic. Nobody tells a man to smile. It implies that the most important thing about a woman is her appearance, specifically how she appears to men. It’s also very thoughtless and shallow - you have no idea what’s going on in that woman’s life or why she’s not smiling.

I'm used to it. I actually quite enjoy using lines like "can you please show me the same level of professional courtesy I am showing you and let me finish what I am saying without interrupting or speaking over me" or making a point that I already said what a male colleague repeated.

Christ, what a mouthful. Would "I'M SPEAKING!!" not suffice just as well?

Well do I remember the days of "cheer up love, it might never happen/oh, you'd be so pretty if you just smiled a bit more" in my callow youth. Fortunately, as my face settled into its naturally murderous lines, that never happens any more.

What? And waste all the years of practice I've put into my resting bitch face?

@IdblowJonSnow

I would just stare back without smiling, without responding to that comment. Frustrating as hell. Once you're over 40 you'll stop getting shit like that. In the meantime practice some responses.

Don’t know about that! I’m 49 & still get this shit!

I used to get this all the time when I was younger and just minding my own business.
So this post has really struck a nerve with me.

I used to have very bad social anxiety so would always look worried and on edge when out in public. Having some twat telling me to smile made me feel worse and like people were staring at my face.

Then one day i walked past a work van with 2 youngish men in it. One of them told me to smile and I SNAPPED. I shouted "fuck off" loudly and he looked so shocked

Tell them if you smile too widely the bees will fall out.

It happens to men too, a woman told me to cheer up it might never happen when I was in the supermarket. It was a couple of weeks since my wife died. I just walked off and had a little cry in the toilets. I still wish I'd actually said something to he, just to make her think before saying anything like that in future.

Did anyone evey say it to you in a meeting though @Vinnipeg? When you were there for your brains (and already feeling like a bit of an outsider) but the person paying the bills said they wanted you to look nice as well? To imply your work was not enough without the right emotions and aesthetics?

Idiots in the street is one thing, but idiots in the board room? That’s another level of disappointing.
Not exactly but, fairly similarly, I was directly told by our Office Manager, upon securing a new role, how I'd need to work on my body language and generally be more impressive than the others in my role to compensate to my perceived aesthetic deficiencies (looking too young and friendly, apparently).

But yes, undoubtedly women have to deal with this sort of shit far more often.