Not to have much sympathy!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my OH is complaining yet again of toothache. Now I know toothache is bloody awful but...

He hasn't been to the dentist in at least five years. He says he hates going and so doesn't.

His teeth are in a right mess generally.

So another night of disturbed sleep for us all (and waking the baby).

Guess I'm just shattered and should try to be more sympathetic?

A tooth abscess is incredibly painful. YABU.

A fear of dentists can be overpowering.

@converseandjeans But it has come about because he has refused to go to the dentist? He's had the issue for years with the bad tooth.

He's 45. Surely he has to take responsibility for his own health? I mean I hate going for my cervical screen but I do so without fail when called?

Have some sympathy for the poor sod. I do!

Dentist phobia is awful. A cervical smear isn’t painful, a visit to the dentist can be massively so, you can’t compare them.

I sympathise as I have one of these as my dp has lots of issues with teeth breaking and hurting and he will not see a dentist. However he is covered by my private dental insurance policy. It really annoys me.

He needs to do something about it wh go to the dentist tk rather than complaining

OP I'm with you! I get that some people have a phobia around dentists, but regular check ups are essential. My dentist says that he aims to ensure his patients' teeth last them their whole lifetime.

He cannot expect to have no checkups for 5 years and avoid problems.

Most dentists are well equipped to deal with phobic patients

What's he going to do? Now it's so bad, he'll have to see a dentist, it won't just resolve itself.

vinyl detective I’m sorry but I think a cervical smear is much more unpleasant than any dental procedure. If a dentist needs to cause you pain you get an injection. If you are a chicken, they put pain relieving gel on your gums before giving you the injection.

Thing is, I know what will happen. He'll take the antibiotics he's been prescribed but won't get as far as the dentist. So only a temporary fix again. Nobody likes going to the dentist but it's a necessity.
I've just had a milk tooth removed (I'm 40, it never fell out) and it's at the front of my mouth so I look dreadful. Got to wait six months for a bridge. I hate looking like this. But ultimately what choice did I have? It had decayed as a milk tooth will do after 40 years.
It's crap but needs must sometimes?

YADNBU OP. This would drive me nuts. It's about being an adult, isn't it?

@Mum2jenny

vinyl detective I’m sorry but I think a cervical smear is much more unpleasant than any dental procedure. If a dentist needs to cause you pain you get an injection. If you are a chicken, they put pain relieving gel on your gums before giving you the injection.

You’ve either had some exceptionally brutal smears or very mild dental problems.

I see this from the other side.
I was once phobic to a toxic degree about the dentist (with good reason, my childhood dentist was labelled ‘the butcher’ and is now in prison for her crimes)
I would go into shock, break down in tears and fail to function just standing outside a dentist when I didn’t even have an appointment. I could just be walking down the street and see the sign for a dental practice and I’d lose it.
In turn my parents stopped pushing the issue and I simply didn’t go from about age 12. Problem solved so I though.
Then in my 20’s I started having toothache. Tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t shift. Tried every home remedy. I went to a and e and begged a doctor to help me as I wouldn’t see a dentist. I was put on a waiting list to be knocked out and have all my treatment done. That was a long list though and every few months i would be in agony again.
I contacted a new practice and explained my fears. The suggested that I just sit in the waiting room. No appointment, no treatment, simply hang out and talk to patients and dentists and nurses and receptionists. I sat 1 day a week for almost 3 months before I sat in the dentist chair. Even then I had headphones blaring music to drown the noise and my eyes were so tightly shut. The had to really rock my shoulders to tell me when they were finished. I needed a lot of work done. Gradually I turned the volume down on my headphones, I started opening my eyes. I began to unclench. I visited once a month for necessary treatment for about 6 months. After my treatment I would still go and sit in the waiting room just to keep my nerves at bay. The noises and sounds were becoming more familiar. Then 3 years ago I asked my dentist about getting veneers. I had long since been ashamed of my smile and while it was purely cosmetic and not at all needed, I was at a point in my life where I actually asked to sit in that chair.
I got my new teeth and while the road was long, it’s been so worth it.
If he’s truly phobic then show him some understanding, if he’s just being stubborn then kick his butt to get it seen to

vinyl detective I’ve had many dental problems over the years, crowns and other very invasive treatments, but I’d sooner go to a dentist than any smear tests!

@EarringsandLipstick This is what I think. It's about facing fears I think.
For example, I was terrified of going for my 12 week pregnancy scan with our daughter due to a long history of repeated miscarriage. I'd had a normal scan previously with another pregnancy -heartbeat and all looking fine - to be told at a later scan baby had died. Then I had another experience in which I miscarried very abruptly - I won't go into details but it was scary. Then further losses.
But ateotd I knew I had to do it.

Well, whether or not his phobia is reasonable, there’s no excuse for waking you and the baby and denying everyone a good night’s sleep.

Some one needs to go into another room if this continues.

Yabu I'm absolutely petrified of the dentist I'd soo Ed have a csection recovery then even ten minutes in the dentist chair

Sooner* not sooo Ed

Dentists are prolonged pain that you have to pay for and most times (in the case of avoiders) requires multiple visits. Suck it up , as advice is just plain nasty .

@AndcalloffChristmas Another night of very little sleep! We don't have a spare room and tbf he can't sleep on the sofa with his back issues. I'm just totally shattered and have the three kids to sort. Sorry for ranting!

YANBU to be frustrated he can't get this resolved, but you are a bit of a bully not to understand phobia of the dentist.

Have you tried to help, be supportive, or just told him he 'should' go?

Fear is real for some people.

Goodness me. Some people aren't able to tolerate penetration at all due to various agonising conditions, a smear CAN hurt, for some. I had my last one under a general anaesthetic, cannot use tampons etc . Regardless of how gentle or not the nurse is, it is not tolerable pain. Everyone's level of pain and general health is different, that isn't hard to grasp surely. Those with chronic pain often have elevated pain responses. Count yourself lucky if you don't.

I think you're absolutely right though OP, he simply must seek help to deal with it. I'd certainly pity him the pain and his anxiety but it's presumably only going to get even worse if he doesn't see a dentist, he could wind up very unwell. He can speak with a GP and take diazepam beforehand if needs be. He needs to sleep elsewhere IMO, if this is his course of action. Lack of sleep can be very affecting. If he refused to even take steps to overcome it and carried on making it something that affected my sleep or happiness I'd be livid, it's selfish.

My DH is phobic of dentists but his toothache got so bad he had to do something.
We found a private lady dentist who would have the assistant hold his hand when he was in the chair. I went with him the first time and he was OK After that he graduated to going on his own.

I’ve had many dental problems over the years, crowns and other very invasive treatments, but I’d sooner go to a dentist than any smear tests!

Totally agree.