Not to have much sympathy!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my OH is complaining yet again of toothache. Now I know toothache is bloody awful but...

He hasn't been to the dentist in at least five years. He says he hates going and so doesn't.

His teeth are in a right mess generally.

So another night of disturbed sleep for us all (and waking the baby).

Guess I'm just shattered and should try to be more sympathetic?

I have tried to be understanding but when he's in so much pain and won't go it's frustrating for us all. I would offer to go with him to his appt but obviously I can't at the moment. He was like this when his back problems started - wouldn't get seen - and it was only when he stopped being able to wee that he sought any help. Then it was an emergency.
He's 44 going on 80. I just wish he'd help himself if that makes sense?

He has to do something about his phobia because of how it’s affecting you all.

It sounds like less of a phobia and more of a I don't want to and if it's the latter then I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Many posts on MN talk about how unattractive a manchild is, how wives shouldn't be responsible for everything for their DH etc - but suddenly when someone is in pain because of their own lack of action we are supposed to be sympathetic/empathetic to a situation created entirely themselves. There seems to be a feel of double standards to some of the reply's here just because there's pain involved. I bet if OP had posted "How do I get my DH to take his health seriously and take preventive steps to avoid problems (having been down that road with a bad back), the answers would be you don't, it's not your job!

My DH was like this and his teeth were a mess after 15 years of not seeing a dentist. I finally marched him to the dentist and he had a massive panic attack and ran out, and I realised the extent of his phobia (and all medical things). I felt awful.

He spoke to his GP who referred him for CBT and also to a specialist dentist who dealt with people with phobias. After an initial course of emergency treatment to get his teeth in shape and help him cope with managing the dentist, they recommended a private dentist who was good with phobia patients, but not much more expensive than NHS.

I hadn't realised how ashamed DH and deep rooted his fears were (traumatic experience as a child at the dentist) and was surprised and impressed how much support he was able to access.

I've told him, as has his physio, that he needs to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Err...he does fine with the dinner part but says he's "too busy" with work to eat breakfast or lunch!! Then if I remind him (I'm on mat leave currently) he says I'm nagging him! Same with the exercises he's supposed to be doing...

He won't pay for private treatment but tbf I understand that as we don't have much money.

Nobody likes going to the dentist but it's a necessity.

meh. I have a dentist phobia due to 2 bloody and painful and protracted extractions (2.5 hours, knee on the chest, blood everywhere followed by - I really should have sent you to the dental hospital for that)

I know it's silly but i can't face the dentist after that.

I went through a period of fear of the dentist and the longer I left it, the worse I felt. When I eventually went I felt so much better. The anaesthetics really really do work, and I’m someone who has had a tooth abscess and a root canal. I know it’s easy to say but making the appointment is the hardest step. If I were you I’d make it for him and explain to the dentist that he’s worried, they’ve seen it all before. Then you should take him there yourself, once he’s in it won’t be as bad as he’s expecting.

I went on to have some overdue work and teeth whitening and now love mine again

Have some sympathy for the poor sod. I do!

Sympathy tends to wear thin when the person affected makes it every one else’s problem and refuses to fix it....

It sounds like his refusal to fix a problem causes longer term pain and issues, and for more than just teeth.

Also suggest when he goes, that he take his phone and some headphones with eg a podcast, downloaded movie or some music, just to take his mind off things.

@Brefugee I think you just brought my phobia back....! Although tbf, it’s a good enough story to make me want to do whatever it takes to avoid extractions!

If he leaves it long enough the nerve will die, and he'll suffer no more pain. The tooth will gradually disintegrate.

what does a traumatic dental experience as a child entail

I have a severe dental phobia. I found a dentist that did IV sedation and started going fairly regularly, as you are completely unaware of whats going on although not completely out. I had to write down somewhere how I felt when I came out, relieved and painfree, so that the next time I was frightened to go I could read how easy it had been"! Perhaps this is the answer for your OH

Tooth aches the worst. I love going to the dentist never want tooth ache ever again. YANBU though he should call them.

My dentist is so lovely I've had a painless root canal done and a painless wisdom tooth extraction. Felt a bit of pulling but no pain (I used to be scared which is why I needed that doing) she numbed me so much my eye went funny and dry 😂😂

you are a bit of a bully

That's so mean! I think OP has the patience of a saint. Today must have been rotten for her, 3 kids, no sleep 😱

Of course a phobia is dreadful. But as adults, we have to well...be an adult. And if we have spouses and dependent children, we have to take their needs into account.

And do what he needs to manage his health.

YANBU he literally brought on himself. Why should he be whining and disrupting everyone else? I would be giving it STFU and tell him to sleep in the spare room.

To put this into context l have crap teeth and have dental phobia. I go to the dentist around every 6 months, floss, brush and mouthwash my teeth. If l didn’t go for 5 years they would be fucked

YANBU.
Zero sympathy from me.

Adults can/should make their own medical appointments to prevent/treat any ailments they have.

@VinylDetective

Dentist phobia is awful. A cervical smear isn’t painful, a visit to the dentist can be massively so, you can’t compare them.

Hello? Someone you don't know shoving something up your vagina and cranking it open can be like assault. Going to the dentist is not.

My OH was phobic about the dentist, which resulted in our first Christmas together being ruined because he had an abcess which resulted in my having to drive for 3/4 hr along unfamiliar country roads in the dark to take him to the nearest hospital as he was so unwell, and then to an emergency dental clinic for some treatment when he was so scared I had to stay in the room with him. He was in his 50s at the time. He then had to have more treatment when we were lucky enough to be referred to a clinic about 20 miles away where they gave him conscious sedation so he doesn't remember any of it. We finally managed to get him on the list of a local NHS dental practice where they were very understanding of his phobia and he is now able to go to the dentist on his own and to make his own appointments. It took a lot of understanding and support to get him to that stage and he now has very few of his own teeth left due to the lack of care when he was younger. I think dentists nowadays have much more training in understanding the needs of the phobic patient, and if you can get him to go in the first place it could be the first step to continuing dental care but that first step is so difficult to take. My OH was at the stage where he hasn't eaten or slept for 3 days because of the pain and it took that crisis to get him to have treatment in the first place. I do sympathise with you, but it is a very real and debilitating phobia.