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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DS gaming?

37 replies

GoHornets · 09/12/2020 19:15

Hi all,

DH and I have had recurrent arguments since he has been WFH about DS and gaming. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable given I don’t play video games myself and I’d really appreciate some input on appropriate rules from anyone who games or has come across similar issues with their DC.

DS is 5 years old and is a very happy and active little boy. He loves to play with trucks / Lego’s / bake / read / craft. I’m a SAHM and I encourage these activities as well as sports twice a week, but only if he enjoys them.

My DH is a gamer. He plays video games every single day for hours. As DS is getting older, DH keeps encouraging him to play video or phone games. At the moment its Pokemon go and mine craft but he keeps trying to get him play ‘harder’ games.

I’m not anti video games, I appreciate that DS enjoys them and it’s better for him to learn to enjoy them in moderation rather than completely abstain from playing. However I think that there should be some rules (he has to read his nightly reader book first and only play 30 mins a night, in addition to a cartoon). I also think whilst he should be allowed when he asks for them, he shouldn’t be actively encouraged to play video games when he’s happily playing with his siblings/ toys.

DH just won’t agree with these rules. As soon as DS gets in from school, he’s shoving a phone under his nose. If I take it away, he’ll put on YouTube videos of other peoples game play footage.

His reasons for encouraging DS are:

  • DS enjoys video games
  • if I restrict him, DS will get left behind his peers and struggle socially. At the moment he is a very sociable little boy with lots of friends and his friends are not / are barely gaming. However, DH insists this is because his friends’ parents are generally a decade older than us and don’t understand video games.
  • he feels all the activities I encourage (baking, crafting, tennis) are aligned to my interests and this is his only hobby to bond with DS over
  • he was allowed utterly unrestricted access to games as a child (PIL were disinterested, handed him a Pc and a credit card at 14 and never checked up on him) and he wants to replicate his childhood for DS.
  • I think I had a lovely childhood but honestly, I didn’t have a lot of material things. I think DH thinks I don’t understand because I never had games consoles etc.
  • this is the trickiest one. DH games for hours every day. His only social outlet / hobby is video games. I think when I say I don’t want DS to become obsessed with video games, he feels implicitly criticised. However, I do feel DH’s life has suffered as a result of his gaming habit. He doesn’t have any IRL friends, he’s developed chronic health conditions, mental health struggles, work problems etc and whilst he’s an adult who makes his own choices and I can’t control him, I don’t want my DS to be shoved down the same path.

I’m so confused and I don’t want this to become a constant bone of contention. I’d really appreciate some advice .

OP posts:
ChestnutStuffing · 09/12/2020 19:37

You are right. It sounds like your dh has a classic gaming addiction, and he is encouraging your son to go in the same direction. His justifications and explanations about the other kids and being left behind are kind of bizarre, it sounds like he is trying to convince himself.

I'd be tempted to point out that gaming hasn't given him a social life, quite the opposite. That might seem cruel, but to me this would be a serious issue.

Screen-time recommendations for that age group are pretty low, so you could start there. You could also start looking at some of the research into how gaming addiction works - that might give you some ideas of what else you might talk about with your dh.

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 19:39

@ChestnutStuffing thank you for responding. Some of DHs mental health issues include social anxiety and so he’s incredibly sensitive to criticism, which is why I can’t just come out and say look at the effect the gaming has had on you.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 19:40

Sorry, I mean I can’t say it easily/ lightly but I will definitely intervene if I have to for DS

OP posts:
BlueBelle36 · 09/12/2020 19:42

Do you think he’s developed chronic health conditions because of gaming? It does sound like you’re critical of his life and that’s something that needs to be addressed between you before you decide on anything for your son.

flaviaritt · 09/12/2020 19:44

He’s projecting his hobby onto his son. His son is 5 years old. He should be baking, reading, playing outside (the stuff you do with him). Tech will not support his development and can wait.

ChestnutStuffing · 09/12/2020 19:45

[quote GoHornets]@ChestnutStuffing thank you for responding. Some of DHs mental health issues include social anxiety and so he’s incredibly sensitive to criticism, which is why I can’t just come out and say look at the effect the gaming has had on you.[/quote]
Yes, that would be a difficult discussion and it's difficult for anyone to not be upset by that kind of statement. But I do think that his comments about social issues and his own experience show that there is some kind of weird gap in his thinking - it's more than just a parenting opinion for him, if that makes sense.

It makes it difficult to discuss the real issue though, which is what is appropriate for your son.

sunsalutations · 09/12/2020 19:48

If your DH is gaming for hours, you can take control of this situation and do the things you want with your DS. No need for discussion, just do it. Your DH may not notice if he's constantly gaming. Go out for walks to the park, baking, fun non-screen stuff and leave DH to it.

ToughLoveLDN · 09/12/2020 19:51

He’s 5. He doesn’t need to be playing video games at that age. I’m a gamer myself. I’d restrict to a few hours on the weekend.

If he plays every day it’s only going to get worse as he gets older and it doesn’t sound like your DH is gonna tell him to stop playing if he’s failing in school etc. I’d also worry about social development

Nappyvalley15 · 09/12/2020 19:51

You are right and should try to stand your ground. Your son is 5. He can get into games in a few years time. Now is the time for him to play with toys, etc.

Screens are so addictive so once he gets into them its hard to go back the other way.

Can you try to persuade DP to wait a few more years before forcing this hobby on him? There should be some recommendations you can dig out to support your position.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/12/2020 20:07

Please step up on this. My ex got DS into consoles from 3 onward. At 11 it's all he wants to do.. He literally never plays with toys, lego, art. A very occasional board game and some sport but that's it. It's going to be so much harder to undo that than if it had never got so bad (not all exes fault) as you say, it doesn't have to be a ban but limited. Would your DH consider stepping out if his comfort zone to explore other things with him? How about the card game pokemon?

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:08

Thank you everyone, I'll try and answer all the questions

@BlueBelle36 - i think partly. I appreciate its a bit of a chicken and egg situation as the excessive gaming, the anxiety, weight gain leading to health conditions are a cycle rather than a direct cause and effect relationship. I think the gaming is a sort of avoidant behaviour which indirectly causes him to be socially isolated/ suffer at work etc but he is touchy on the topic so I'm very hesitant to say anything which is taken as criticism.

OP posts:
EmilySpinach · 09/12/2020 20:10

YANBU and I don’t think you can tiptoe around the issue any longer. You’re describing really fundamental differences in your approaches to parenting and they aren’t going to go away.

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:15

@sunsalutations

If your DH is gaming for hours, you can take control of this situation and do the things you want with your DS. No need for discussion, just do it. Your DH may not notice if he's constantly gaming. Go out for walks to the park, baking, fun non-screen stuff and leave DH to it.
This was my approach before lockdown, and I do just pick up DS and head off with him a lot of the time. Now DH is WFH. His team has indicated they expect much more homeworking in the future, with perhaps one or two days in the month in the office so it is harder to intercept him. The bigger problem is DS is now constantly asking for games, so unless I spend the whole time when he is home engaging him with something more fun than video games, DS asks for video games and DH immediately gives DS his phone. It's tiring and stressful to have to be constantly entertaining DS, whereas previously we would 'hang out' and do our own thing (for eg him crafting at the table whilst I prepped food or something)
OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 09/12/2020 20:16

How old are your other dc? What kind of games is he pushing ds to play? At 5 my dd had a leap pad and played phonics based games and had a reading pen for audio books but that was it.

At 5 she wanted to watch cartoons not YouTube gamers although she enjoys those now I have to be careful as the innuendo and occasional swear word can be inappropriate. She is restricted in what I allow her to watch.

It isn’t easy ensuring children have a well rounded balanced childhood, I suspect you may well end up hurting your DH’s feelings but if it is to stand up for the well-being of your child then so be it.

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:17

@ToughLoveLDN

He’s 5. He doesn’t need to be playing video games at that age. I’m a gamer myself. I’d restrict to a few hours on the weekend.

If he plays every day it’s only going to get worse as he gets older and it doesn’t sound like your DH is gonna tell him to stop playing if he’s failing in school etc. I’d also worry about social development

Thank you, its very helpful to have perspective from a gamer. Would you suggest a longer playing time (like an hour) on a weekend might be better than shorter games more frequently during the week?
OP posts:
Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:19

@Zofloramummy

How old are your other dc? What kind of games is he pushing ds to play? At 5 my dd had a leap pad and played phonics based games and had a reading pen for audio books but that was it.

At 5 she wanted to watch cartoons not YouTube gamers although she enjoys those now I have to be careful as the innuendo and occasional swear word can be inappropriate. She is restricted in what I allow her to watch.

It isn’t easy ensuring children have a well rounded balanced childhood, I suspect you may well end up hurting your DH’s feelings but if it is to stand up for the well-being of your child then so be it.

So I dont mind those sorts of age appropriate games - DS plays 'hit the button' maths and some reading eggs and I'm happy with those as he doesnt get so obsessed with them.

The games are Pokemon Go, Minecraft and I'm embarassed to say world of warcraft, which I am aware isnt child appropriate at all.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 09/12/2020 20:20

As much as I dont think kids should be on video games. I also think you had a child with a man who's only hobby is playing videogames for hours every day and this has been an integral part of his childhood and life. What did you actually expect? Parents like to share their hobbies with their children, like you share yours.

ScienceSensibility · 09/12/2020 20:21

You poor thing.

I would never be involved with a man obsessed with video games. He sounds like fifty types of loser. Do you really want to stay with him and watch him turn your son into another slack jawed zombie who can’t engage with anything except gaming.

What a waste of a life and I’m not surprised he has health problems. In your shoes I would be getting my child far away from him and fast.

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:21

@Nappyvalley15

You are right and should try to stand your ground. Your son is 5. He can get into games in a few years time. Now is the time for him to play with toys, etc.

Screens are so addictive so once he gets into them its hard to go back the other way.

Can you try to persuade DP to wait a few more years before forcing this hobby on him? There should be some recommendations you can dig out to support your position.

These are exactly my concerns, @Nappyvalley15 and I've tried showing TED talks/ sharing studies but its as if DH thinks that is he concedes games can be harmful, he will have to face up to his own gaming / childhood, he just wont hear anything from me and insists that the recommendations I find are 'dated' and 'irrelevant'
OP posts:
Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:25

@Nottherealslimshady

As much as I dont think kids should be on video games. I also think you had a child with a man who's only hobby is playing videogames for hours every day and this has been an integral part of his childhood and life. What did you actually expect? Parents like to share their hobbies with their children, like you share yours.
To be honest, I dont think this is particularly constructive - before having kids I used to go clubbing most weekends, I wouldnt expect my 5 year old to share an age inappropriate hobby. I was also a smoker and quit when I found out I was pregnant. I thought that DH would modify his behaviour if needed for our child.
OP posts:
StormyInTheNorth · 09/12/2020 20:26

My DH is a gamer. I used to play a bit in my younger days so I think there are benefits like fine motor/reactions/reading the screen. DD will play animal crossing or fall guys, but it is limited to 1.5 hours spread over a week. That is extremely generous.
At 5 they can barely control the game pad without a lot of help so like to watch. DD will watch fall guys while DH plays for 20 mins it and she thinks it is great. Its like TV. I make sure I am there too.
What I think is your DH has clocked DS likes to watch daddy and is using it as a lazy way of entertaining your DS. It is unfair to have DS play harder games because he is only 5 and will end up watching while DH plays and virtually ignores DS.

Set a limit, OP and be there with them to ensure it is DS playing and not DH while DS is cheering on.

Gobbycop · 09/12/2020 20:28

The situation sounds utterly tragic.

Shoving a phone or screen under the nose of a 5 year old is just lazy as fuck.

How on earth does he have hours of free time each day to game? Does he work, cook, clean, parent?

Original poster
GoHornets · 09/12/2020 20:39

@HugeAckmansWife

Please step up on this. My ex got DS into consoles from 3 onward. At 11 it's all he wants to do.. He literally never plays with toys, lego, art. A very occasional board game and some sport but that's it. It's going to be so much harder to undo that than if it had never got so bad (not all exes fault) as you say, it doesn't have to be a ban but limited. Would your DH consider stepping out if his comfort zone to explore other things with him? How about the card game pokemon?
Thank you for sharing, I am really worried that my DS will go down the same route and I'll end up battling him on gaming without DHs support later.
OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 09/12/2020 20:48

I think @GoHornets that you have changed as a result of becoming a parent and your DH hasn’t.

He is unable to want what is best for the developing brain, emotional and social development of his child as he internalises any discussion as a criticism of his upbringing and behaviour. I can’t see a solution to this which doesn’t end in conflict as he seems to be set in concrete with his own opinion as infallible.

I suspect this issue will cause relationship problems between you in other ways too. He must be absent from many aspects of family life and time for you both as a couple when he is playing for hours at a time. That would make me feel resentful.

Maybe try sitting him down again and agreeing a screen time limit of weekends only, but if he won’t budge I would personally be reevaluating my relationship as he isn’t putting his own child’s best interests first.

Zofloramummy · 09/12/2020 20:49

Screen time for your dc that is! Not your DH (although he should be regulating his time too in my opinion).