AIBU about DS gaming?

[GoHornets]

Hi all,

DH and I have had recurrent arguments since he has been WFH about DS and gaming. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable given I don’t play video games myself and I’d really appreciate some input on appropriate rules from anyone who games or has come across similar issues with their DC.

DS is 5 years old and is a very happy and active little boy. He loves to play with trucks / Lego’s / bake / read / craft. I’m a SAHM and I encourage these activities as well as sports twice a week, but only if he enjoys them.

My DH is a gamer. He plays video games every single day for hours. As DS is getting older, DH keeps encouraging him to play video or phone games. At the moment its Pokemon go and mine craft but he keeps trying to get him play ‘harder’ games.

I’m not anti video games, I appreciate that DS enjoys them and it’s better for him to learn to enjoy them in moderation rather than completely abstain from playing. However I think that there should be some rules (he has to read his nightly reader book first and only play 30 mins a night, in addition to a cartoon). I also think whilst he should be allowed when he asks for them, he shouldn’t be actively encouraged to play video games when he’s happily playing with his siblings/ toys.

DH just won’t agree with these rules. As soon as DS gets in from school, he’s shoving a phone under his nose. If I take it away, he’ll put on YouTube videos of other peoples game play footage.

His reasons for encouraging DS are:

• DS enjoys video games
• if I restrict him, DS will get left behind his peers and struggle socially. At the moment he is a very sociable little boy with lots of friends and his friends are not / are barely gaming. However, DH insists this is because his friends’ parents are generally a decade older than us and don’t understand video games.
• he feels all the activities I encourage (baking, crafting, tennis) are aligned to my interests and this is his only hobby to bond with DS over
• he was allowed utterly unrestricted access to games as a child (PIL were disinterested, handed him a Pc and a credit card at 14 and never checked up on him) and he wants to replicate his childhood for DS.
• I think I had a lovely childhood but honestly, I didn’t have a lot of material things. I think DH thinks I don’t understand because I never had games consoles etc.
• this is the trickiest one. DH games for hours every day. His only social outlet / hobby is video games. I think when I say I don’t want DS to become obsessed with video games, he feels implicitly criticised. However, I do feel DH’s life has suffered as a result of his gaming habit. He doesn’t have any IRL friends, he’s developed chronic health conditions, mental health struggles, work problems etc and whilst he’s an adult who makes his own choices and I can’t control him, I don’t want my DS to be shoved down the same path.

I’m so confused and I don’t want this to become a constant bone of contention. I’d really appreciate some advice .

YANBU OP. My DS is almost 5 and he has a Kindle Fire tablet which he plays for 30-45 minutes on weekend days only. The games are all just kiddie age appropriate ones. I wouldn't let him have any more "game" time than that, TV is addictive enough.

My DH isn't a gamer - thank god. I personally find it really unattractive although several of my friends have gaming partners.

It's fine that your DH will want to share his hobby - but when it's age appropriate and in moderation.

I'd be impressed if a 5-year old could manage WoW!

We are a household of gamers, I absolutely see the value that gaming can add (managing a guild in WoW? Management skills, quick reflexes, tactical planning, resource management, etc. Communities in Pokemon Go? We've met tons of people that have become real friends, plus it got us outside and walking. Building on Minecraft? Creativity, spacial awareness, visualising projects and making them happen).

But at 5, I think he needs time to develop other skills first. I'd be more than happy for my future children to game but I'd want to make sure it didn't become an all-encompassing habit.

At the age of 5 he is alteady playing 2 games? ??girl put a stop to it right now. A 5yo doesnt need that! And your dh plays fo hours everyday? Not healthy. .. he is looking for a little partner to justify his addiction. And in 5years time you will find yourself with no one to talk to within your own home because all your dh and ds do... is game 🤔

@ScienceSensibility

You poor thing.

I would never be involved with a man obsessed with video games. He sounds like fifty types of loser. Do you really want to stay with him and watch him turn your son into another slack jawed zombie who can’t engage with anything except gaming.

What a waste of a life and I’m not surprised he has health problems. In your shoes I would be getting my child far away from him and fast.

He really isnt at all - he lovely, I think everything has just sort of snowballed in a horrible way. We got together in uni and were both pretty outgoing. Then most of my friends and I got onto competitive training contracts and DH didnt. He played more and more while we were at work, I didnt even realise just how much until I was on maternity leave.

I grew up with a really depressed mum and to an outsider she would have looked self detructive and a 'loser' but she just got stuck, shes an amazing person and means the world to me. I'm just worried between supporting DH on one hand and not failing DS on the other.

@Zofloramummy

I think *@GoHornets* that you have changed as a result of becoming a parent and your DH hasn’t.

He is unable to want what is best for the developing brain, emotional and social development of his child as he internalises any discussion as a criticism of his upbringing and behaviour. I can’t see a solution to this which doesn’t end in conflict as he seems to be set in concrete with his own opinion as infallible.

I suspect this issue will cause relationship problems between you in other ways too. He must be absent from many aspects of family life and time for you both as a couple when he is playing for hours at a time. That would make me feel resentful.

Maybe try sitting him down again and agreeing a screen time limit of weekends only, but if he won’t budge I would personally be reevaluating my relationship as he isn’t putting his own child’s best interests first.

Honestly, he is absent from most parts of family life and it does hurt but its such a minefield of his mental health and upbringing that I skirt around the issue. It wont end in conflict, but it may trigger another episode of depression or anxiety and I just can't face it. Hes already medicated and tried a few therapies without much resolution so I'm quite scared to open up a can of worms.

I think I just need to know i'm not being unreasonable/ a luddite with DS and then a better strategy to steer him away from video games.

@yelyah22

I'd be impressed if a 5-year old could manage WoW!

We are a household of gamers, I absolutely see the value that gaming can add (managing a guild in WoW? Management skills, quick reflexes, tactical planning, resource management, etc. Communities in Pokemon Go? We've met tons of people that have become real friends, plus it got us outside and walking. Building on Minecraft? Creativity, spacial awareness, visualising projects and making them happen).

But at 5, I think he needs time to develop other skills first. I'd be more than happy for my future children to game but I'd want to make sure it didn't become an all-encompassing habit.

Haha, well he is mainly creating and dressing characters with DH, not quite raiding or anything. I definitely see the value too and I strongly believe that given DS will definitely be exposed to games its better to do it in a controlled way. Would you mind if i asked when your DC started playing, which games they started on and any rules you had?

I think like any hobby moderation is key. As long as he is not overly tired for school or it is causing a negative change in his attitude there is no issues. There seems to be a real snobbery towards gaming as a hobby.

Also, sorry GoHornets - I don't have children yet! I think Minecraft (with the chat facility turned off, I presume you can do that) would be good, Pokemon Go is fine too. Anything that's too accessible to other people would be a no I think, and strict boundaries on time and only if other things are done - so at 5, I think that would that you'd read a book and had at least 30 min outside/a walk/a good run around the house playing if it's raining etc before you got 30 min or so.

Then always followed by something calming - maybe child-friendly meditation podcast or hot milk and a cuddle with mum, as the blue light on screens can disrupt your sleep (which as an adult you can mitigate but for a little one I'd want to make sure you didn't over do it or give him chance to calm down after!).

You can also get blue light blocking glasses for kids, if you're worried about the effect of the screen - I use them and they're great, they help avoid any eye strain etc.

And I think the main thing would be that like anything else, if it affects behaviour, then it's a no for a set period of time. For example, my cousin wasn't allowed to play football for a while because he'd come home really riled up and angry if his team hadn't won, and they replaced it with going for family walks etc instead and to him (in an age appropriate way) about how if something is making you mad that it can be healthier not to do it, it's good to have a change, etc.

I love gaming. I'm also under no illusion it's ideal for little ones to be playing all day long, and I absolutely know it can have a negative effect on people (like lots of other things). But I think modelling positive habits and use now would be better than what happened to lots of people our generation whose parents didn't understand it and let them run free with their computers and didn't ever teach them moderation or safety.

For me the biggest concern is that you seem to be parenting two dc rather than there being two parents and one dc.
Your DH sounds more like a rescue project you have picked up rather than a co parent.
This isn't healthy for your actual dc.

I think you need to get real with your DH. You shouldn't tip toe around him so much. Gaming is not healthy for either of them and he could at least let your son live a normal life rather than drag him down with him. This is really dangerous. My kids game but we don't actively encourage them and we set limits on it. This sounds like it will.get out of control fast. If your husband was feeding him chocolate for dinner every night would.you accept that too ? You need to stand up for your son. Doesn't matter if your husband gets depressed of anxious. This issue is already causing you anxiety.

@GoHornets you say that it will trigger a depressive episode, that’s really unfair as this is a parenting issue that needs a full and frank discussion. As adults we sometimes have to deal with issues that we would rather not have to, but that’s life. I say this as a person who has experienced of years of anxiety and depression. I am well now and it was only when I faced up to my issues and got some help via counselling that I turned things around.

I used to be able to lose myself in a book for days, I’m also a knitter and cross stitcher. Before I had dd I spent all of my leisure time doing hobbies that I loved. I barely have time for any of it now, but I knew that was the choice I made when I became a parent. As dd has got older I have more time to myself and in a strange way I miss the days when all she wanted was to play with me. They fly by and before you know it it’s gone.