I think my friend might be a bit of a narc but can't work out if I'm just overthinking and there's a personality clash. We're currently on hols which always amplifies things.
She's the ceo of her own (v successful) company and does a v good job of it. Its entirely focused on changing people's behaviour so she's a bit of an expert at exploiting peoples fears, needs etc as well as persuasion. Has top ceos eating out of her hand etc. I admire what she's achieved.
However I feel she brings it into the friendship. We are on holiday currently and its like everything is being facilitated by her all the time. She insisted we set some 'ground rules' at the beginning which to me felt formal and awkward. She cannot take a suggestion from me without disagreeing and saying we should do something else. The day has to revolve around her needs. She constantly asks for favours or sort of just tells me what to do. I've started to close up around her and just feel quite defensive and powerless/ mildly pissed off, which i can't hide despite really trying to. She then points out that she would like me to change my 'tone', which makes me disengage even more (even though I'm trying super hard to be chirpy, as it seems if I'm not she gets anxious and kind of aggressively cheerful- will constantly interrupt what I'm saying with 'look at that amazing thing! Ooh I'm so happy!' Etc).
There was even tension before we went away - I shouldn't have ignored my feelings about it. I was more reluctant to go, as I had a huge tax bill, uncertain work situation next year (I'm a freelancer), and i obviously lose money going on hols. I also felt very nervous because of covid and thought everything would be closed etc. But she needed to use holiday up before the end of the year so she of course persuaded me it was going to be the best thing ever and made me feel guilty so I just said yes. She was also clearly taking it personally and I felt bad. I realise this is people pleasing on my part. I was a bit nervous of going with her as we lived together previously and I found the atmosphere odd and awkward then, with the only acceptable behaviour for me being to sort of pander to her if that makes sense. I think she has since realised I didnt really have a good time and feels jealous of the housemate I had after who I got along famously with.
The night before we left she called me after having been verbally attacked by her neighbour who called her manipulative. She is a strong feminist and felt he was being misogynist. I listened to her for ages sympathising and agreeing (he did sound v aggressive) and cheered her up while actually needing to pack. These sorts of altercations happen a lot, where she rubs people up the wrong way, then seems to recruit people to defend her etc. We then spent the whole weekend going over a four sentence email she kept redrafting to him over and over as she kept asking for feedback. In the end I said she should just send it so she can forget about it and she snapped about how traumatising it was etc. We had by that time spent hours and hours discussing, and I felt drained and like what I said was never enough. I would have had patience if it weren't for the fact that she has regularly censored me on things im stressed about - like asking me not to talk about being stressed about the covid situation because it stressed her out etc which I happily did and apologised for (I only mentioned it as I was unsure about going).
The last time I went away with her the whole train ride was helping her redraft a very angry text to her tenants (who were also friends) where I felt she was being really unreasonable. She had just told me she had never known how to show anger before (according to her therapist). The tone of the text was extremely angry, as was the email this weekend, and I could feel her getting defensive when I said it was harsh, but she kept asking and what am I supposed to do, keep lying?
She also told me on our intense 'ground rules' chat that she was feeling defensive as she was paranoid i'd rather be here with my boyfriend. I have avoided talking about him and have not even texted him at all as she had already told me she was 'triggered' by any happy couples at the moment and asked me not to talk about him when I started seeing him. This is the first person I've really liked and been treated decently by for a long time, and she's seen up close how much I've been through with my dad dying, ex getting cancer etc and instead of being happy for me it just feels like she makes it about her. She is currently jealous and angry at her sister for being pregnant.
She keeps going on dates and getting angry with people- one last year even ended in the guy shouting at her in the street, which is never OK, but I'm starting to feel like this might not always be a simple case of misogyny. She constantly challenges and censors you in conversation, but under a really chirpy veneer which makes you feel like you're being a grumpy shit for feeling annoyed.
Then on money she insists on paying everything equally to the penny, which is exhausting on hols - I always err on not counting pennies and instead just being generous with eachother (I'm pretty sure I'm always the one to pay more in this situation) but instead she insists on keeping receipts, doing a daily transfer etc, but regularly forgets when I've lent her money and took four days into the holiday to transfer me the money for booking her hotel and flight (she managed to get me to do all the admin for going) despite me saying it was my spending money and I'd like it before we go. She was waylaid by the neighbour drama and then the next morning was taken up with us both doing a wild goose chase to get her some medication before we went away as thered been some sort of f* up on that too. I eventually managed to get it sent to boots in Heathrow but it wasn't exactly a relaxing way to start the holiday).
Anyway I'm going on. You get the picture. Am I just nit picking here? The funny thing is she seems like the loveliest person when you meet, and she can definitely be a really supportive friend. I know she means well and would be mortified i feel all this so I feel guilty writing it out. She very often expresses how much she cares about me and I really think values my friendship, but for whatever reason she seems to be feeling insecure about it and defensive, which makes me feel defensive.
What would you do?