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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of how close dh and dd are.

43 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 20:38

My dd was 5 when I met my now husband. 8 years later and they are best friends. They go shopping, for coffee etc. She calls him dad and absolutely loves him. She doesn’t see her biological dad.

He has has always said he wants to make sure she knows she’s loved by both of us so she doesn’t feel the need to seek love from boys/other people. This has resulted in her being confident in knowing what she wants/her worth etc.

They have a pamper evening 2ce a week where they both do face masks etc.

I absolutely love that they are close but I’m getting so jealous and it’s ridiculous. They went shopping this evening so she could buy her friends Xmas presents. I wasn’t allowed to come (she didn’t want me to). They are sat on the sofa both playing the same game on their phones while I’m sat on the other.

We never get any time together anymore because she’s always down stairs in the evenings. I don’t mind but it’s getting ridiculous. I feel invisible.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 08/12/2020 20:41

Awwww...i can understand it but any chance they were getting you a gift? My dd has rejected my dp who has always been so kind to her. That hurts too , so i think you are being a little bit unreasonable.

malificent7 · 08/12/2020 20:42

He sounds lovely btw...also girls love their dads.

RosesandPumpkins · 08/12/2020 20:46

In what ways do you carve out time for you and your DD?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 08/12/2020 20:47

Does he have his own children?

Make time just for you and your daughter.

Notglam · 08/12/2020 20:52

Your daughter is not in competition with you for your DHs attention.
This is a “you” problem/insecurity.

Speak to your husband about how you are feeling. Perhaps arrange a weekly date night, even if it’s just a movie in living room just you two.

She won’t be young forever. Make sure you are giving her your time and making plans with her too.

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2020 20:54

Don't say anything to her but perhaps ask your husband to start including you a bit more. Our girls were definitely daddy's girls but I was included in their lives. I think the only time I was definitely left out was when they went for my Christmas or birthday present ( I took them for daddy's presents).

pinkdragons · 08/12/2020 20:54

From the age of 13 I really went off my mum.
For a few years we were not close. I really pushed away from her - it was nothing she had done. She was caring and always been loving and tried to spend time with me. I think it was hormones on my part. Anyway, the only good thing to come out of it was a very close bond with my dad. We got on very well. Everything evened out towards my later teens.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/12/2020 20:55

I do understand why you're jealous. But it's better than the alternative. I think you should introduce a weekly date night, daddy daughter night, and mummy daughter night. But particularly the date night. I think its important for kids to know their parents have an additional adult relationship outside of the family bubble.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 20:56

Its all a bit crossed wires here OP. Their relationship sounds amazing but it also sounds as if you don't have one with your bloke or your daughter because they are a tight little unit.

How has that been allowed to happen?

You need to set time apart with your bloke - date night for example and also do something with your daughter which does not include him

yelyah22 · 08/12/2020 20:57

That's so lovely 😫 please try and work past this and see that the absolute best thing for your daughter is that she is so secure and confident in her being loved by a man who isn't her biological father that she's this close to him, when it sounds like her bio dad was useless.

I can see why it feels galling, but my mum made no secret of the fact she hated that I was closer to my dad and it just made teenage me resent her. Now I'm older we're very close but as a teen I just gravitated towards him more! She's your child and she adores you: you've had the best possible outcome as far as 'step' parenting goes. Make time to do things the two of you and try and foster that closet, but don't make it clear that you're jealous of the time they spend together. She sounds secure and happy and confident - keep it that way :)

yelyah22 · 08/12/2020 20:58

*closeness, oops.

insiwinsi · 08/12/2020 21:00

I agree with other posters, find some alone time with each of them, and with both of them.

Maybe talk with your partner about it, he might be able to have a gentle word with her, for you all to spend a bit more time together as a small family, and a bit more time with you one on one, if you have time.

Also maybe you need some new hobbies? Something to get excited about so you spend less time fretting about their relationship. Something just for you. Set up a new business, start a new hobby, sport or something that inspires you. It might be that you are not focussing on yourself enough.

AriesTheRam · 08/12/2020 21:01

Is a refreshing post to be honest after all the cocklodgers and bad partners you see on here normally.He sounds like a really good dad.

AIMD · 08/12/2020 21:02

I think you really need to be careful with how you manage and respond to the feelings your having.

Your post focused on being jealous of your daughter but the issue is with your and your partners relationship. That’s where you should focus your attention and speak to your partner about spending quality time together.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 08/12/2020 21:04

What is your relationship like with him? What sort of person is he? Why weren't you allowed to come when she bought presents for her friends? Who told you you couldn't come and why did you listen to them?

Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 21:06

I think I do need a hobby. I feel so lonely atm lol.

We have a daughter together and I have a son who has the same biological dad as dd. He’s a proper mummies boy but also is at the age where he doesn’t want to
Be around us lol we spend quite abit of time as a family on days out/walks etc.

It so hard with 3 kids to get the balance right between all of time, each one has such different needs.

I just feel abit meh. A few years ago the kids would go bed at 8 and then we would get every evening to ourselves. Now we get Zero time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 21:08

She said she didn’t want me to come.

He’s amazing. Honestly, he’s a wonderful father and husband. He works hard, cooks, cleans. Does the Dc homework.

Dd struggles with school and I have dyslexia so he helps her with her homework. Hes calm and never ever loses his temper/in a mood. Where as I lose my rag abit.

I have had mental health and sometimes I feel like I’m the bad moody parent :(

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 21:12

I think you sound like a nice family. You need time with your man with no children involved. Just 'you two together' time

CoronaIsShit · 08/12/2020 21:14

Sounds like you are being pushed outHmm. I’d be a tiny bit creeped out seeing as he’s not her father I’m sorry to say but that’s just me.

Your DP needs to make sure you are included. Why are you not having a face mask too? He should have insisted to DD that you came shopping too if you wanted to. You need to be a united front to her and he needs to be paying you attention as his partner too.

I went through a period of being jealous of DH and DD’s relationship too when she was younger but that was because my father left when I was 6 and I saw what I’d missed out on. It all just felt a bit weird as I’d never known that myself. Still get a pang occasionally now she’s an adult but I’m so happy that she’s got her Dad.

TonMoulin · 08/12/2020 21:15

I get you @Thedarksideofthemoon30.

And I agree you need to get a new balance where you have some 1-1 time with her too. It’s not about taking away anything from her and your DH. It’s about nurturing your relationship with your dd.

It seems that you also need to crave time for yourselves asa couple too!

HollowTalk · 08/12/2020 21:16

@AriesTheRam

Is a refreshing post to be honest after all the cocklodgers and bad partners you see on here normally.He sounds like a really good dad.
But a good dad wouldn't feel comfortable if his wife was left out of the family unit, would he?
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 21:17

Why would you be creeped out?! Would you rather they couldn’t stand each other? I think that’s a disgusting comment to make tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 21:17

I can’t stand doing face masks lol I have sensitive skin.

OP posts:
amber763 · 08/12/2020 21:18

I much preferred spending time with my dad at that age. I think your DH sounds like a great man. Sorry you feel left lonely though. Now me and my mum are the best of friends.

tinglymint · 08/12/2020 21:18

@CoronaIsShit

Sounds like you are being pushed outHmm. I’d be a tiny bit creeped out seeing as he’s not her father I’m sorry to say but that’s just me.

Your DP needs to make sure you are included. Why are you not having a face mask too? He should have insisted to DD that you came shopping too if you wanted to. You need to be a united front to her and he needs to be paying you attention as his partner too.

I went through a period of being jealous of DH and DD’s relationship too when she was younger but that was because my father left when I was 6 and I saw what I’d missed out on. It all just felt a bit weird as I’d never known that myself. Still get a pang occasionally now she’s an adult but I’m so happy that she’s got her Dad.

You'd be creeped out by a close relationship between a man and his step daughter of 8 years? Why?