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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of how close dh and dd are.

43 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 20:38

My dd was 5 when I met my now husband. 8 years later and they are best friends. They go shopping, for coffee etc. She calls him dad and absolutely loves him. She doesn’t see her biological dad.

He has has always said he wants to make sure she knows she’s loved by both of us so she doesn’t feel the need to seek love from boys/other people. This has resulted in her being confident in knowing what she wants/her worth etc.

They have a pamper evening 2ce a week where they both do face masks etc.

I absolutely love that they are close but I’m getting so jealous and it’s ridiculous. They went shopping this evening so she could buy her friends Xmas presents. I wasn’t allowed to come (she didn’t want me to). They are sat on the sofa both playing the same game on their phones while I’m sat on the other.

We never get any time together anymore because she’s always down stairs in the evenings. I don’t mind but it’s getting ridiculous. I feel invisible.

OP posts:

amber763 · 08/12/2020 21:19

@CoronaIsShit

Disgusting comment.

Original poster

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/12/2020 21:20

Tbh I was such a daddy’s girl at that age have many fond memories of spending the day with my dad. But my mum had mental health problems and he was my rock. I fear that it’s history repeating itself. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon as I feel like my tablets aren’t working as well anymore.

OP posts:

Luckyrabbitfoot · 08/12/2020 21:20

@CoronaIsShit

Sounds like you are being pushed out

. I’d be a tiny bit creeped out seeing as he’s not her father I’m sorry to say but that’s just me.

Your DP needs to make sure you are included. Why are you not having a face mask too? He should have insisted to DD that you came shopping too if you wanted to. You need to be a united front to her and he needs to be paying you attention as his partner too.

I went through a period of being jealous of DH and DD’s relationship too when she was younger but that was because my father left when I was 6 and I saw what I’d missed out on. It all just felt a bit weird as I’d never known that myself. Still get a pang occasionally now she’s an adult but I’m so happy that she’s got her Dad.

That says a lot more about you than the OP’s DH.

Griefmonster · 08/12/2020 21:27

@Thedarksideofthemoon30 Within Ch live OP, I think you are getting to the root of it now. You really must tread carefully and untangle your fears of history repeating and worry about a shift in relationship between you and your daughter and you and your DH. Take care

Suzi888 · 08/12/2020 21:27

I’m the ‘popular’ parent here. DH feels like you, I do try to include him, but he can get irritable quicker than me. Sometimes it’s me that wants a break, but DD won’t have any of it. I do everything a bit like your DH, do the homework, sort dinner, lunch, anything she needs, I think it’s natural she’s therefore going to come to me more...

I wouldn’t be happy about not being included in the shopping trip. That’s just giving in to her every whim imo.
Is there anything fun that you and DD can do together? You and DH also need private time.

MrsRogerLima · 08/12/2020 21:29

Op the problem is not your daughter. Your DH is not prioritising you and your relationship.

Please do not place the blame at your daughters door. It will do irreparable damage to your relationship. I speak from experience. My mum was jealous of me spending time with my dad.

The problem was my dad didn't want to spend time with her.

BigBaublesGalore · 08/12/2020 21:35

@tinglymint I think she's 13 as op said she met when dd was 5 and now it's 8 years later... still no need to be creeped out though

Op you're so lucky honestly and so is your dd, we are a blended family and it's so hard and I think most people find it hard... there was at thread on here the other day about whether people would give a shit if they didn't see their step children again and most people said they wouldn't care and in fact would be happy not to... I think your dp sounds amazing...

Maybe a hobby would be good for you and I was thinking a tv in dds room so she can have her own movie nights in there for when you and dp want some alone time

Ibizafun · 08/12/2020 21:41

You don’t realise how lucky you are. Would you rather they weren’t close, that he didn’t care so much because she isn’t biologically his, that she didn’t have any father who cared?

You need a reality check. It will probably change anyway when she’s a few years older.

rottiemum88 · 08/12/2020 21:44

Sounds like you are being pushed out. I’d be a tiny bit creeped out seeing as he’s not her father I’m sorry to say but that’s just me.

there's always one

insiwinsi · 08/12/2020 21:57

I think other people are right in that your DP needs to be a little more sensitive to your needs here. What is he like in your relationship?

Sounds like he could be the problem rather than your daughter. Definitely a chat is needed. Kids need to respect and enjoy both parents company. Sounds a bit like he could be unknowingly instigating a division between you. It's more important that you focus on your relationship with her, because, as he's not her natural dad, he may not be in the picture forever even if it seems like it now.

Maybe ask him to back off a bit, allow you the space to be the mum that you are.

Littleposh · 08/12/2020 21:58

Can you not join in with the face masks??

Bobblehatwobble · 08/12/2020 22:07

I have exactly the same relationship as you describe between your DD and DH. For the pp who said it was creepy you’re absolutely incorrect.
My mum was always bad tempered, wouldn’t listen and wanted things her way. My Dad was and is the calmest, kindest, nicest man alive.
My mum is still jealous of our relationship and it’s been 17 years - tbh it’s a reflection of how she behaves, she makes her own bed.
Just be happy your daughter has a great relationship with her Dad, most people would be proud that they’ve created such a strong blended family. It’s no easy feat!

MrsHugsxx · 08/12/2020 22:08

I think it's nice that they are so close and have a great relationship. I don't understand how you're not " allowed" to do things though. I understand the need for alone time with your husband as well, it's healthy to have that in a relationship. I think it's possible for them to still have their time together and for you to be a more active in involving yourself more.

Bumblebee1980a · 08/12/2020 22:23

As difficult as it might be do try and change your perception by being happy for your daughter. My step dad hated me, so much so, they completely excluded me from family life. I spent most of it in my bedroom. Sooo wish I had a dad like your DP.

You could try suggesting a date night with your husband, maybe start off with something you know that he would like to do and same for your daughter.

Also do try and find a hobby - not as easy as it sounds (I'm still trying to find one).

Take care

kierenthecommunity · 08/12/2020 23:07

I’d be a tiny bit creeped out seeing as he’s not her father I’m sorry to say but that’s just me

He IS her father though he’s been in her life since she was five and there’s no bio dad on the scene. Just because he didn’t provide the sperm it doesn’t mean he isn’t her father in every other sense

I hope it IS just you

StardewMelons · 08/12/2020 23:16

DH or not, I would need an evening to myself without children/teens hanging around all evening every night (personally). Depending on all the ages, there would be nothing wrong (especially through the week) telling them to go and occupy themselves for an hour or 2 before they need to sleep now and then. Sounds like you have a good DH, maybe he doesn't realise quite how being left out is making you feel.

Mittens030869 · 08/12/2020 23:45

* Why would you be creeped out?! Would you rather they couldn’t stand each other? I think that’s a disgusting comment to make tbh.*

I agree, OP, it was a nasty thing to say. What’s the issue with him being close to his DSD? It’s sad that this is the reaction some people automatically have about a stepdad wanting to form a bond with a DSD. (I know that some stepdads can be abusers, but there’s nothing in the thread to suggest there’s any reason to be ‘creeped out’. )

Bio dads can be creepy too, anyway, as can male family members and youth work.

OP, I really understand. My (adopted) DDs of 11 and 8 love doing things with their dad (my DH) and there have been times when I’ve felt left out. But it really isn’t a competition. You said yourself that your DS was a ‘mummy’s boy’, so it can work both ways.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/12/2020 23:59

What strikes me about this, is that from the title I thought you were jealous of how close they were because you want to spend more time with your daughter yourself, but it seems you actually want her out of the way more.
I think it's lovely they have such a close relationship, maybe make an effort to do things she likes, I'm pretty sure your DH doesn't love doing face masks, but values the time with his daughter.

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