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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being an unreasonable cow?

45 replies

mediciempire · 08/12/2020 17:06

So my ex and I divorced. We've both remarried. Our daughter's big birthday is coming up. He loves designer brands (so do I but I haven't really got the money for them nowadays) and said to me that it would be lovely to buy her a designer bag to always remind her of that birthday (I do not care if you think designer bags are a waste of money or think we're awful people for buying them). I agreed and we decided we'd buy her 1 designer bag priced at around £720. We agreed that we'd split the cost equally and do some smaller presents separately. He's obviously continued to research designer bags and come across a vintage one that he really wants to get her priced at about £1300. He mentioned it to me and I agreed that it was a bag she'd really love because she's mentioned it a lot before but we'd decided on the first one because we weren't sure as to how easy it would be to get the second. Now that he's found a seller, he has asked me to pay the £300 and for him to pay the grand. He has a really high paying job and knows that I don't always have the cash atm (have been saving for her presents for this birthday so I can afford the prices he has suggested). I agreed. Earlier today, his wife messaged me saying that it was unreasonable for me to let him pay this much for DD's birthday. She said that it was unfair for me to make him pay more for her bags than me. I can see why she might think that but I didn't ask him to go looking for the second bag and I suggested not getting both and just getting the one but he didn't want to do that. I don't really know what to do. Am I being horrible to say that I don't think it's that unfair because he was the one who wanted to buy 2?

OP posts:
ikltownofboothlehem · 08/12/2020 17:08

Tell her to talk to him about it. It was his idea and if she's got the hump she can have it with him.

Happyheartlovelife · 08/12/2020 17:09

Ignore

It’s nothing to do with her.

Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2020 17:10

Just tell her to speak to her husband about it

Muckish · 08/12/2020 17:11

I don't see why she's contacting you. She's married to him, they live together, the insanely expensive present was his idea (unless of course he's told her you forced him into it?)

Throckmorton · 08/12/2020 17:11

You are being totally reasonable. If she has a problem, she should talk to her husband about it.

sticksticks · 08/12/2020 17:12

It's none of her business and she needs to keep out of it. Is this your daughter's 21st?

MaskingForIt · 08/12/2020 17:12

But if you value designer bags and your daughter will love it, why wouldn’t you pay it? It’s good to get them into high-prices brands young. All young people like to have nice things.

flaviaritt · 08/12/2020 17:13

“Why are you talking to me about this? We’re not married.”

FestiveChristmasLights · 08/12/2020 17:13

Surely it’s for her to discuss with him and not you. Do you usually get involved with her about such things?

Prettybubblesintheair · 08/12/2020 17:14

Absolutely none of her business! I’d either contact your ex and ask him to speak to his wife or reply to her telling her to speak to him!

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/12/2020 17:14

No, YANBU
The new wife is being an interfering cow.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/12/2020 17:15

It's really not her place to contact you, you had an agreement with your daughters father if his wife doesn't like that agreement she needs to take it up with her husband, not you

TwinklyLightsandBaubles · 08/12/2020 17:17

YANBU

As others have said it has nothing to do with your ex’s wife. Does he know she has texted you about this?

It think it is great you are able to be on good terms with your ex about things like this for your daughter.

Changethetoner · 08/12/2020 17:17

You agreed the budget with your ex. He wants to spend more, but you don't/can't. It is therefore his CHOICE to buy a more expensive bag and make up the difference himself. If the new wife has a problem with what he spends his/their money on, that's her problem, not your's.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 17:19

I'm confused? Is she getting both the bags then? So he picked out one and you both paid half and now he has picked out another and you have to pay another £300 towards it? Is that right, or are you only getting the second bag and you're paying £300 towards that one?

If she is getting both and he is the one who picked them both out and sort of decided for you then he's been quite cheeky asking for money towards the 2nd bag at all! The wife needs to stay in her lane; she can talk to him about it.

If you're only getting the second bag and you're paying £300 then that's still fair. It's the price you had originally budgeted for the bag he picked out first time round and leaves you money to get s few other things. So the wife still needs to keep her mouth shut and talk to him!

Elieza · 08/12/2020 17:19

She shouldn’t have come to you.
She should have gone to him.

It’s a matter for the parents to decide in line with their own finances.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/12/2020 17:20

You agreed on a reasonable price. He wanted to spend more. He covered the difference. Absolutely fair. If she has a problem with how much her husband is spending then she needs to discuss that with him.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 17:24

I'm in a similar but different situation. For Christmas, I decided to get my boys hoverboard go-karts. They're about £400 each. My ex is on a lower wage than me and I wouldn't have even asked him for anything but I did show him what I was getting (we always discuss gifts just to make sure the boys get things we are sure they will love) and when I showed him he said "that's a lot for you to spend when you've already bought lego and clothes and comic books so I could put something towards it". He put £100 towards it. So I spent £700 and he spent £100. If my new partner sent him a message behind my back telling him he hadnt contributed enough then I would be livid. I chose the things, I chose all the other things I got, I'm in a better financial position. I'm impressed my ex offered anything towards it. He will still get s couple things separately. It would be absolutely not on for someone to message him telling him off.

Your ex-husband should hopefully feel the same, unless he is playing a different tune behind your back.

stayathomer · 08/12/2020 17:26

Oh god maybe they can't afford it?!Confused

pictish · 08/12/2020 17:26

You are not being unreasonable in the least. I would message back politely explaining that her dh took the decision to get his dd the second gift, that he proposed your contribution himself and that if she is unhappy about it she ought to raise it with him.

Aprilx · 08/12/2020 17:28

I either wouldn’t answer her at all or would tell her to talk to her husband as it was his idea.

flaviaritt · 08/12/2020 17:30

There’s every chance they can’t afford it and the ex is just trying to show off, or spoil his daughter when he doesn’t have the money to do so. But in fairness that isn’t the OP’s problem.

ikltownofboothlehem · 08/12/2020 17:32

It’s good to get them into high-prices brands young. All young people like to have nice things.

Not if they might not be in a position to afford it themselves. That's how debts spiral out of control - because they've been 'got into high price brands young'. A friend's niece racked up multi thousands of pounds debt because of stuff like this. She simply didn't believe she deserved anything less that the best, top brand, designer gear. NOT saying OP's daughter is like that but it can and does happen.

OP can't afford the extra right now - just what she had agreed. She's already said that. Should she get into debt because her daughter likes designer gear?

tallduckandhandsome · 08/12/2020 17:33

YANBU. Tell her 'it was ex who suggested a designer bag, I agreed to go halves on a £720 bag. It appears he now wants to get the £720 bag and a £1300 bag. I can't afford £1,000 (half of £2,000! I'm happy to pay half of £720, as originally agreed.'

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 08/12/2020 17:34

Forward her message to him & ask him why she's contacting you about this?

He's chosen to buy a more expensive bag than you agreed, he can afford it, his choices.

If she doesn't want him spending his/their money, that's between them.

Their issue, not yours!!